Eric Holder Vows to Shave Mustache if Ferguson Cop Isn’t Indicted

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FERGUSON, MISSOURI – Attorney General Eric Holder made a surprise appearance Friday at a parking lot protest rally in downtown Ferguson. Arriving by limo, Holder jumped up on the flatbed truck that served as a makeshift stage and waved...
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Hillary Clinton Says Nazi Salute at Book Signing Was Just a Silly Joke

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MARTHA’S VINEYARD – At a crowded book signing yesterday former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was photographed doing a...
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MSNBC Anchor Compares President Obama to Jesus

MSNBC anchor Chris Matthews began his show Hardball last night celebrating the birthday of President Obama. Following is a transcript of that portion of the broadcast. CHRIS MATTHEWS: Tonight we pay tribute to our President, Barack Obama, on his 53rd birthday. Over the years I’ve been laughed at for my allegiance to my president....

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Vice President Biden Admits He Occasionally Takes Out Payday Loans

Vice President Joe Biden visited with Al Sharpton this morning on MSNBC where he spoke candidly about Hillary Clinton, his 2016 presidential aspirations and the financial hardships his family has faced since becoming the vice president. Following is a transcript of that discussion which will air this evening on Sharpton’s show, PoliticsNation, on MSNBC....

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Obama Stops to Sign Autographs at Grisly Los Angeles Crime Scene

INGLEWOOD – Police discovered a gruesome multiple homicide in the home of a Los Angeles school teacher yesterday. The mutilated bodies of five people were scattered throughout the three bedroom, split-level home. At least two of the victims had been decapitated. After a preliminary walk-through of the house with its blood spattered walls and...

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Al Qaeda Jihad Magazine Publishes Its First Swimsuit Issue

YEMEN – In an apparent attempt to escalate worldwide interest in the holy war against infidels, Inspire, al Qaeda’s Internet propaganda magazine, published its first swimsuit issue this week. In a teleconference call from an unknown location in Yemen, a spokesperson for the magazine, someone who called himself Larry, told reporters that Inspire’s swimsuit...

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John Kerry: In An Exceptional America I Wouldn’t Be Secretary of State

Just a day after returning from exhaustive diplomatic talks around the globe, John Kerry appeared on MSNBC’s PoliticsNation with host, Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of their discussion. AL SHARPTON: I want to welcome a guest to my own show on MSNBC, Secretary of the States, John Kerry. JOHN KERRY:  Thank you. It’s...

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Obama Sends Troops to Border After Learning Illegals Deny Climate Change

McALLEN, Texas - In a surprising turn of events this morning American soldiers began arriving at key crossing points along the Mexican/American border after President Obama ordered U.S. troops to control the influx of immigrants illegally entering the U.S. through Mexico.

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MSNBC Host Praises Obama’s Leadership as Country Implodes

At the start of his show Hardball on MSNBC this afternoon, host Chris Matthews took a moment to praise President Obama for his leadership in the midst of today’s turbulent political environment. Following is a transcript of that portion of his show that airs tonight on MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Before I get started today...

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Sharpton Asks Dick Cheney: ‘Is Obama a Bigger Pussy Than Jimmy Carter?’

This afternoon former Vice President Dick Cheney sat down with Al Sharpton for an exclusive interview on MSNBC. Their conversation will air tonight at 6:00 pm on Sharpton’s show, PoliticsNation. Following is a transcript of that interview. AL SHARPTON:  Today I welcome to my show the former vice president of America. Welcome to my...

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White House Admits Obama Listens to NSA Surveillance of American Citizens

WASHINGTON – During his final press briefing from behind the White House podium Wednesday, departing White House Press Secretary Jay Carney acknowledged that President Obama occasionally listens in on the phone calls of American citizens being monitored by the NSA. Carney said the president’s participation is sporadic and is strictly for amusement and educational...

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Hillary Clinton Dodges Gang Gunfire En-Route to Los Angeles Book Signing

LOS ANGELES – Upon arriving to the signing event for her new book “Hard Choices” at a Century City bookstore this morning, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and daughter Chelsea found themselves caught in the middle of a gang war and were forced to run with their heads down in an effort to...

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Biden Says Released Detainees More Focused on Climate Change Than Jihad

WASHINGTON – While speaking to seniors about shotgun ownership at the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement home in Bethesda this morning, Vice President Biden was interrupted several times with questions about President Obama releasing five Guantanamo detainees in exchange for American prisoner, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Each time the vice president brought the conversation back to the...

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Al Gore: ‘Global Warming Will Cause Millions of People’s Heads to Explode’

NEW YORK –  Former Vice President Al Gore issued a joint statement with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) this morning warning that unless drastic measures are taken this year to curb global warming, millions of people’s heads are going to explode. Speaking to U.N. delegates at the One World Economic Forum, Gore...

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Al Sharpton Urges Vladimir Putin To Take Obama Horseback Riding

This afternoon Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on MSNBC with Reverend Al Sharpton to discuss the turmoil in Ukraine. Following is a transcript of that interview which airs tomorrow night on MSNBC’s, PoliticsNation. AL SHARPTON:  My guest tonight is the leader of the Soviet’s Union, Battamier Prutin. He joins us via saturnite from Russia....

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MSNBC Commentators Fawn Over Michelle Obama’s Buttocks

In the final moments of taping his show on MSNBC today, Chris Matthews invited several of the network’s commentators to pay tribute to Michelle Obama. Following is a transcript of that discussion which will air tonight on MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS:  A couple of weeks ago the remarkable Michelle Obama celebrated her 50th birthday. I...

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Joe Biden Admits Taking Viagra Before Attending State of the Union Address

WASHINGTON – During Tuesday night’s State of the Union address Vice President Biden admitted to Speaker of the House John Boehner that he’d accidentally taken Viagra pills before arriving for the event. This morning, after giving a talk on shotgun ownership to seniors at a Bethesda nursing home, the vice president came clean when...

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Chris Christie’s Staff Blames Bridge Closing on Anti-Islam Video

TRENTON – This afternoon staff members loyal to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie alleged that the September closing of traffic lanes leading to the George Washington bridge was the result of a spontaneous reaction to an anti-Islam YouTube video. Although Gov. Christie has apologized for “unwittingly” misleading the public, calling the bridge closing “embarrassing...

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Obama Appoints Reverend Al Sharpton Global Warming Czar

WASHINGTON – During this morning’s White House briefing Jay Carney confirmed President Obama will appoint Al Sharpton to be the administration’s new Global Warming Czar. Carney said the president was astonished at the scientific brilliance Sharpton displayed when he explained man-made climate change earlier this week on MSNBC. “The president happened to tune into...

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Al Sharpton Slams Michelle Obama: ‘You Cock-Blocked the President!’

KAILUA, Hawaii – The White House was so impressed with Michelle Obama’s guest spot on Al Sharpton’s afternoon radio show a few weeks ago that the first lady agreed to appear on Sharpton’s MSNBC cable news show tonight. The interview was taped this morning in Hawaii where the Obama’s are vacationing for the holidays....

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Obama Welcomes America’s First Transgender Baby to White House

WASHINGTON – This afternoon top administration officials and celebrities joined President and Mrs. Obama in welcoming America’s first transgender baby to the White House. Eleven-month-old Hillary Rodham Carter is the youngest transgender to meet officially with a U.S. president. The president hosted a gender-neutral luncheon for the adorable transgender tot and its parents with...

Obama & Kerry

John Kerry Enters Rehab After White House Stages Botox Intervention

WASHINGTON – This morning the White House acknowledged that President Obama invited John Kerry to Thanksgiving dinner last week in order to stage an intervention. Earlier in the week Obama met with several members of his administration to discuss Secretary Kerry’s Botox usage. After a lengthy discussion, the decision to stage an intervention was...

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President Obama Awards Himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON – On Wednesday President Obama presented awards to seventeen honorees of the Presidential Medal of Freedom. The medal is the nation’s highest civilian honor, awarded for meritorious contributions to the security or national interests of the United States, to world peace, or to cultural or other significant public or private endeavors. After introducing...

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Biden: ‘Obama Doesn’t Lie. He’s an Articulate & Clean African American’

WASHINGTON – What was supposed to have been a friendly town hall meeting for Vice President Biden with senior citizens this morning escalated into a raucous shouting match over problems with the newly implemented Affordable Care Act. Biden’s appearance was initially slated to promote his passion for shotgun ownership by explaining the dangers of...

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Al Sharpton’s New Book Sells Over a Dozen Copies in Less Than a Month

NEW YORK – Reverend Al Sharpton’s new book, “The Rejected Stone: Al Sharpton and the Path to American Leadership” appears to be on an unshakable trajectory to success, according to its author. Since its release less than 30 days ago the revered civil rights leader’s long awaited memoir has already sold 18 copies. A...

Obama-Biden

Obama and Biden Caught Making Fun of Health Care Law on Hot Mic

WASHINGTON – To the dismay of democrats and republicans alike, a CNN cameraman with a live mic recorded President Obama and Vice President Biden cracking jokes about the new health care law as they sat together outside the White House yesterday. Following is a transcript of their conversation. BIDEN: (nudges Obama with his elbow)...

Biden:Putin

Joe Biden Denies Asking Vladimir Putin to be Running Mate in 2016

WASHINGTON – During his interview with Chris Matthews on MSNBC’s Hardball, Vice President Biden was asked about rumors circulating Washington that he asked Russian President Putin to be his running mate in the 2016 presidential race. Following is a transcript of that conversation. CHRIS MATTHEWS:  My guest tonight is the vice president of the...

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Alec Baldwin Shocks Dinner Guests, Calls New Baby ‘Dirty Little Whore’

NEW YORK – An intimate dinner party held at Alec Baldwin’s Manhattan home last night ended prematurely after Baldwin’s newborn baby daughter threw-up on his shirt. According to guests who attended the dinner, Baldwin’s alarming reaction towards his baby made them so uncomfortable they were forced to make a hasty departure before dinner was...

obama-putin

Obama Asks Putin for Help Passing Immigration Reform Through Congress

WASHINGTON – The White House confirmed today that President Obama has reached out to Russian President Vladimir Putin in his effort to get immigration reform passed in Congress this year. During an appearance on CBS This Morning, National Security Adviser Susan Rice said the administration has the utmost confidence the Russian president can muster...

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New York City Parents Elated About Morning-After Pill For 11-Year-Olds

“It’s just a wonderful feeling knowing my government cares enough about our children to provide them with the emergency birth control I didn’t have access to when I was in 6th grade.”     —  Linda “Sunny” Rothchild, NYC NEW YORK – New York City mayoral candidate, Christine Quinn, says she’s open to allowing middle-school girls...

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Obama Furious After Vladimir Putin Unfriends Him on Facebook

WASHINGTON – The turmoil that was generated between Russia and the United States after President Vladimir Putin granted asylum to Edward Snowden last month escalated even further when President Obama cancelled his private meeting with the Russian president before September’s G-20 conference of world economic leaders in St. Petersburg. But the delicate fragments of...

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Al Sharpton Asks George Zimmerman, ‘Do You Want to Shoot Me?’

In a bewildering turn of events that has rocked the world of cable news, George Zimmerman agreed to an interview with Reverend Al Sharpton on MSNBC. The following transcript of the no-holds-barred interview which airs tonight on Sharpton’s show, PoliticsNation, was leaked by an anonymous source inside MSNBC. AL SHARPTON:  George Zimmerman, you are my exclusive...

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Anthony Weiner Campaign Ad May Violate Obscenity Laws

WASHINGTON – Just hours after his campaign manager resigned Monday afternoon, New York City mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner released a controversial campaign ad that has television station managers up in arms, unsure whether airing the 60 second spot violates FCC regulations on decency. Sources from several TV stations say the campaign commercial begins with...

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President Obama’s Stunning Admission: ‘White Part of Me is Racist’

NEW YORK – During his appearance on ‘The View’ this morning, President Obama joked about the size of his ears (“My wife says she can hear the ocean in them!”), spoke earnestly about tackling global warming and showed heartfelt concern about violence in the Middle East. But when the conversation turned to the acquittal...

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President Obama and North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Un in Twitter Feud

WASHINGTON – Early this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un took to his Twitter account and began a rash of disparaging taunts directed at President Barack Obama. After a year of clownish bravado from the young dictator that included nuclear threats, few were surprised that he would attempt to provoke the president with denigrating...

Al Sharpton

Al Sharpton: The Obama Interview

WASHINGTON – Before embarking on his trip to Africa on Wednesday, President Obama stopped by NBC studios for what turned out to be a surprisingly candid interview with Reverend Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of that interview which will air on MSNBC tonight. AL SHARPTON:  I want to extend to your condolences a...

crock

Crocs – Shoes for People Who’ve Given Up

New York – The surprising results of a study just released by Columbia University shows that a vast majority of people who wear Crocs shoes lack enthusiasm, don’t look forward to anything, are unimaginative and don’t have anything worthwhile to say. The study also found that women who wear Crocs shoes routinely disregard shaving...

Joe Biden Knocks Toddler Unconscious During White House Easter Egg Hunt

Joe Biden Knocks Toddler Unconscious During White House Easter Egg Hunt

WASHINGTON – The fun and frolic of the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt was cut short Monday morning after a four year-old girl was knocked unconscious by Vice President Biden. The little girl has been identified as Brittany Rosa Parks Vanderbilt, the daughter of top Obama campaign donors, Brice and Zoe Vanderbilt. White...

NY Times Calls Obama Bicycle Photos ‘Rugged Masculinity Gone Wild!’

NY Times Calls Obama Bicycle Photos ‘Rugged Masculinity Gone Wild!’

NEW YORK – In an editorial earlier this week the New York Times gushed over photographs of President Obama riding his bicycle at Martha’s Vinyard, at one point exclaiming the president was “an example of rugged masculinity gone wild!” The newspaper derided critics of the president, even suggesting that John Boehner and Karl Rove...

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Sully Supreme Court Gay Marriage Hearings

WASHINGTON – Midway through the second day of Supreme Court arguments on same sex marriage, Chief Justice John Roberts surprised the courtroom when he asked if plaintiffs had given serious deliberation to the possible repercussions of sentencing tens of thousands of naive homosexuals to “a lifetime of abuse and scorn from mother-in-laws.” “What I...

Al Sharpton Educates Pope Francis on Race, Sissies and Prison Showers

Al Sharpton Educates Pope Francis on Race, Sissies and Prison Showers

VATICAN CITY – In a somewhat startling turn of events today, Reverend Al Sharpton managed to obtain approval from the Vatican to interview Pope Francis for PoliticsNation, the news show he hosts on MSNBC. Mr. Sharpton spoke with the new pope for several minutes inside the Papal Palace. Following is a transcript of their...

Al Gore Slams Vatican Over Use of Deadly Smoke Signals

Al Gore Slams Vatican Over Use of Deadly Smoke Signals

NASHVILLE – Former Vice President Al Gore lashed out at the Vatican this morning, calling the tradition of releasing smoke into the atmosphere during papal conclave voting “fundamentally negligent” and “grossly inappropriate.” He also questioned the morality behind using what he called the “ancient pagan ritual of carbon emissions worship” in order to advance...

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Sequester Cuts Force Obama to Kick Mother-in-Law Out of White House

WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that because of the automatic spending cuts known as sequestration, President Obama was forced to tell Michelle Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, she had to move out of the White House. Moments after his mother-in-law and her possessions disappeared through the gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave in...

Joe Biden: ‘It’s Just Easier to Blow Someone’s Brains Out with a Shotgun’

Joe Biden: ‘It’s Just Easier to Blow Someone’s Brains Out with a Shotgun’

WASHINGTON – While participating in an online forum on Facebook this week, Vice President Biden was asked whether law-abiding citizens would be left defenseless by federal bans on assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines. Mr. Biden looked into the camera and told the questioner that if she wanted to protect herself she should get a...

Beyonce rehearses State of the Union performance

White House Announces Beyonce to Perform at State of the Union Address

WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that pop star Beyonce accepted an invitation to perform at the State of the Union address on Tuesday. According to a post on President Obama’s Facebook page, when the president reaches the speaker’s rostrum in the house chamber to deliver his speech, Beyonce will descend from the...

I'll give up my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands

Obama: I’ll Give Up My Shotgun When They Pry it From My Cold Dead Hands

MINNEAPOLIS – The White House was still responding to questions yesterday morning about the photo released last week of President Obama firing his shotgun. When asked by reporters why the White House would circulate the photograph three days prior to Obama’s trip to Minnesota to give a speech on gun violence, Press Secretary Jay...

Joe Biden Calls Michelle Obama’s New Hairstyle Ghetto Chic

Joe Biden Calls Michelle Obama’s New Hairstyle Ghetto Chic

WASHINGTON – At last night’s White House State Dinner honoring former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry, Vice President Biden managed to ignite a bit of a firestorm during his address to the honoree and distinguished guests. After thanking Mayor Barry for his public service and congratulating him on his many accomplishments, the vice president strayed...

Inaugural Cheerleaders

The Addition of Cheerleaders at Obama Inauguration Fails to Boost TV Ratings

WASHINGTON – For the first time in the history of American presidential inaugurations, cheerleaders performed at the ceremonial swearing-in ceremony of the 57th Presidential Inauguration. Following Obama’s inauguration speech, the throng of jubilant spectators surrounding the stage in front of the U.S. Capitol were elated when the voluptuous cheerleaders were introduced by Chief Justice...

Hillary & Al

Al Sharpton Talks with Hillary Clinton about Benghazi, Blood Clots and Bill’s Penis

NEW YORK – In her first interview since stepping down as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton appeared on MSNBC’s Politics Nation with host Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of their conversation. AL SHARPTON:  I want to extend my welcome mat to the gracious Madam of the Secretaries, Hillary Ramrod Clinton. HILLARY:  Thank you,...

Al Gore

Al Gore Trapped in Blizzard En Route to Climate Fundraiser

CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snowbank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may...

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Chris Matthews Slams Undecided Voter on MSNBC

WASHINGTON – Chloe Sanders, a twenty year-old undecided voter from Baltimore, was visiting the D.C. area with her family when she was approached by MSNBC producers to appear on Hardball with Chris Matthews. Following is the transcript of her discussion with the host: CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Today I’m joined by undecided voter, Chloe Sanders. We’re...

PoliticsNation

Al Sharpton and Joe Biden Discuss Obama’s Ramrod Backbone

WASHINGTON – Following Tuesday night’s debate between President Obama and Mitt Romney, Vice President Joe Biden appeared on MSNBC’s ‘Politics Nation’ with host Al Sharpton. Following is the transcript of that interview: AL SHARPTON:  I extend a warm and hard welcome to my show Mr. Vice President of America. JOE BIDEN:  Well, I’m warm...

Filmmaker

CIA Operatives Waterboard Producer of Anti-Islam Movie

WASHINGTON – A high level source inside the White House alleges that last weekend CIA operatives waterboarded Nakoula Basseley Nakoulathe, the film producer of the anti-Islam movie the Obama administration blames for the recent violence in the Middle East. The source claims that late Saturday night President Obama had a lengthy phone conversation with...

Pick up the president

For $25 Obama Campaign Lets Donors Pick the President Up and Hold Him

WASHINGTON – In an effort to raise additional campaign cash the Obama administration has come up with an unusual way for supporters to help the president’s reelection bid. Anyone who donates $25 or more can pick up President Obama and hold him. Campaign staffers admit the president was wary of the idea at first,...

Joe Biden

Biden Says Department of Homeland Security Crawling with Lesbians

WASHINGTON – With the demonstrations and subsequent military coup in Egypt drawing the bulk of the media’s attention this week, reports that a senior official at the Department of Homeland Security had resigned Saturday amid accusations of employment discrimination and sexual harassment were overlooked by the majority of news agencies. The official, Suzanne Barr,...

Republican racial code book

Chris Matthews Unveils Photograph of Republican Racial Code Book

NEW YORK – This afternoon on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews, host Chris Matthews revealed a photograph of what he claims is the book that contains Republican racial code words. The photograph shows an old and worn leather bound book that appears to have several hundred pages. Matthews said the photograph was sent to...

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Todd Akin Pledges to Double Rapists’ Child Support Payments

ST. LOUIS – In an effort to gain support from Missouri voters who might be uneasy with his recent comments about rape and abortion, Congressman Todd Akin told a group of senior citizens at the One Way Ticket nursing home this afternoon that his first priority as a U. S. senator would be to...

Joe Biden Speaks at Michigan Mosque Wearing a Burqa

Joe Biden Speaks at Michigan Mosque Wearing a Burqa

DEARBORN, MI – After being under under the radar for the past several weeks, Vice President Biden spoke at the ‘Eye for an Eye’ mosque in Dearborn this afternoon dressed in a burqa. The vice president’s visit to commemorate the mosque’s twenty-fifth anniversary fit conveniently between his fundraiser this morning at the Forever Twilight...

Al Sharpton

Mitt Romney’s Rope-a-Dope with Reverend Al Sharpton

NEW YORK – With just days to go before the 2012 presidential election, Mitt Romney agreed to a question and answer session on MSNBC’s  Politics Nation with host, Reverend Al Sharpton. Following is a transcript of that interview: AL SHARPTON:  Thank you for joining us in this day of heated exchanges and profabricated dialogue...

reid.pelosi

Nancy Pelosi Says She Probably Won’t Watch Romney Sex Tape

WASHINGTON – House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi came to the defense of Senator Harry Reid on Monday over his comments about the existence of a Mitt Romney sex tape. Early last week Reid outraged many Republicans with his remarks that he’d been told the GOP presidential candidate didn’t pay taxes for 10 years, without...

Harry Reid: ‘Bain Investor Told Me There’s a Mitt Romney Sex Tape’

Harry Reid: ‘Bain Investor Told Me There’s a Mitt Romney Sex Tape’

WASHINGTON – In an interview with The Huffington Post, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said a Bain Capital investor told him that Mitt Romney wasn’t releasing his tax records because for ten years he didn’t pay a dime in taxes. This afternoon, less than 48 hours since the accusation, Senator Reid told The Daily...

Mayor Menino

Boston Mayor Claims Fight Against Chick-fil-A Prevented Homosexual Holocaust

BOSTON – According to members of his staff, when Mayor Thomas Menino was told that the president of Chick-Fil-A restaurants did not support gay marriage, he knew the citizens of Boston would expect him to act. Although the rest of the nation is slowly beginning to accept the idea of gay marriage, Boston is...

Joe Biden Visits Kids at Summer Camp, Trivializes Parents’ Success

Joe Biden Visits Kids at Summer Camp, Trivializes Parents’ Success

BALTIMORE – During a fundraising expedition in Maryland over the weekend, Vice President Biden stopped at a summer camp a few miles outside Baltimore and visited with dozens of kids aged 5 to 13-years-old. The children were visibly excited to share part of their afternoon with the vice president with many getting autographs and...

Barbara Walters Lands First Interview with 3-Month-Old Colorado Shooting Victim

Barbara Walters Lands First Interview with 3-Month-Old Colorado Shooting Victim

COLORADO – ABC News announced today that Barbara Walters has landed the first interview with the 3-month-old victim of last year’s tragic movie theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado. The baby was released from the hospital in good shape the day after the shootings with doctors saying the child’s injuries were not life threatening. The...

Obama Makes Surprise Appearance on The Jerry Springer Show

Obama Makes Surprise Appearance on The Jerry Springer Show

CINCINNATI – Before taking the stage Monday at the Cincinnati Music Hall ballroom, President Obama met backstage with supporters, including TV talk show host Jerry Springer. Afterwards, Springer called the president “truly exceptional” and gushed about his competence and intelligence. He questioned why anyone wouldn’t want four more years of an Obama administration and...

Obama Campaign Accuses Romney of Holding Up Boston Gas Station

Obama Campaign Accuses Romney of Holding Up Boston Gas Station

WASHINGTON – After a week of assertions that Mitt Romney committed a felony with regard to his leadership role at Bain Capital, the Obama campaign is now alleging he may have been involved in a spree of Boston gas station robberies in 1999. Though the campaign is careful not to directly state that Romney...

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NAACP Endorses Mitt Romney!

HOUSTON – This afternoon, just days after its members booed him as he addressed their convention, the NAACP announced their endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. After receiving the news Mr. Romney returned to the convention where hundreds of jubilant African Americans welcomed him with chants of Mitt! Mitt! Mitt! Mitt! The Republican candidate...

Michael Bloomberg

Mayor Bloomberg’s Impassioned Crusade for Mandatory Breastfeeding

NEW YORK – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that women who forgo the popular option of an abortion and instead choose to give birth will be aggressively persuaded by government officials to breastfeed their babies. The mayor has ordered hospitals to put baby formula under lock-down and to only provide it...

President Obama Vows to Repeal Health Care Law

President Obama Vows to Repeal Health Care Law

BEVERLY HILLS – At a fundraising dinner last night in the home of Kim Kardashian, President Obama made the surprising announcement that he’ll repeal the health care law if he’s re-elected. Initially Democratic strategists and pundits were startled to hear the news but within a short time the majority of them were appearing on...

Reverend Al Sharpton Grills Attorney General Eric Holder

Reverend Al Sharpton Grills Attorney General Eric Holder

WASHINGTON – Last night on PoliticsNation, MSNBC news anchor Reverend Al Sharpton grilled Attorney General Eric Holder on everything from Fast and Furious to racism. Following is a transcript of that interview: AL SHARPTON:  Welcome Mr. Secretary General of Defense. It’s a pleasure to sponsor you on my show. ERIC HOLDER:  Thank you. It’s...

Meteorologist Rosie O’Donnell Says Deadly Tornadoes Caused by Global Warming

Meteorologist Rosie O’Donnell Says Deadly Tornadoes Caused by Global Warming

NEW YORK – Internationally famous meteorologist and comedian, Rosie O’Donnell, has determined that global warming is the culprit behind last week’s deadly tornadoes. O’Donnell shared the results of her research during an interview on NPR this morning, confirming what other celebrity scientists have been warning about for quite some time. “Miss O’Donnell is in...

Cybill Shepherd Willing to Die Protesting the War On Women

Cybill Shepherd Willing to Die Protesting the War On Women

NEW YORK – A defiant Cybill Shepherd shocked “CBS This Morning” television viewers Friday when she announced she would not be wearing a bulletproof vest when she marches on Washington to protest the war on women. Stunned viewers sat open mouthed, some admitted weeping while others sought counsel from clergy. One woman has already...

New Black Panthers Use Zimmerman Bounty For Trip To Disney World

New Black Panthers Use Zimmerman Bounty For Trip To Disney World

SANFORD, FLA – After George Zimmerman was arrested in April of last year for the murder of Trayvon Martin, the New Black Panther Party placed a $10,000 bounty on his head. This afternoon the group announced they’ve retracted the bounty and will instead use the money for a trip to Disney World. Black Panther...

Al Sharpton Interviews Pilot of Navy Jet That Crashed Into Apartment Building

Al Sharpton Interviews Pilot of Navy Jet That Crashed Into Apartment Building

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – One of the two pilots of the Navy F-18 jet that crashed into a Virginia apartment building last April appeared on MSNBC’s Politics Nation with host Al Sharpton. The pilots were able to eject from the aircraft before it crashed into the apartment complex engulfing several buildings in flames. During...

Gingrich Raised Additional Campaign Cash with Yard Sale

Gingrich Raised Additional Campaign Cash with Yard Sale

McLEAN, VIRGINIA – In what appears to be a last ditch effort to resuscitate his presidential aspirations, Newt Gingrich announced that he will have a yard sale next weekend in order to raise additional revenue for his floundering political campaign. Sources inside the Gingrich camp have expressed concern that the Republican candidate’s refusal to...

Obama and Biden Celebrate ObamaCare Anniversary with Cupcakes

Obama and Biden Celebrate ObamaCare Anniversary with Cupcakes

WASHINGTON – On Friday afternoon Vice President Biden surprised President Obama with candle-lit cupcakes in celebration of the second anniversary of Obama’s signature healthcare law. The moment was captured in photographs taken by the vice president’s gardener who, along with a couple of interns and maintenance workers, were the sole occupants of the celebration....

Hillary Clinton Performs Hilarious Stroke Victim Impersonation at U.N.

Hillary Clinton Performs Hilarious Stroke Victim Impersonation at U.N.

NEW YORK – In a rare display of lighthearted spontaneity at a United Nation’s Women’s Rights conference last week, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed her impassioned speech with a comical “stroke victim” impersonation that triggered a raucous response from delegates and conference guests. Howling laughter permeated the General Assembly Hall during Mrs....

Vice President Biden Endorses Rick Santorum

Vice President Biden Endorses Rick Santorum

WASHINGTON – In a surprising turn of events today, Vice President Joe Biden announced that he is backing Republican candidate Rick Santorum in the 2012 presidential race. The Vice President said he will continue to serve his country as second in command while he campaigns for Santorum on weekends. He assured his democratic base...

Sandra Fluke:  I Was Having Sex When President Obama Called Me

Sandra Fluke: I Was Having Sex When President Obama Called Me

Just a week ago Georgetown University student Sandra Fluke was a normal thirty year-old law student grappling with the daily troubles of being a young woman in today’s complicated world. Sandra was pulling all-nighters cramming for exams, attending meetings for Law Students for Reproductive Justice, going to movies, partying with friends and somehow, finding...

Rick Santorum Performs Exorcism in Walmart Parking Lot

Rick Santorum Performs Exorcism in Walmart Parking Lot

CHICAGO – In February of 2012, following his speech to a group of supporters in the parking lot of a Walmart Super Center yesterday, former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum performed an exorcism on a woman in the back of a van. Santorum staff members confirmed the former senator liberated a woman from the...

Hope and Change for Real This Time

Hope and Change for Real This Time

CARRBORO, NC – The Obama administration announced yesterday that their 2012 Presidential campaign “Hope and Change – for Real This Time” is ready to roll. During a speech to a group of supporters outside a North Carolina Gap store, President Obama conceded a less than stellar start in his presidency before enthusiastically encouraging his...

Obama’s Approval Rating Rises After Joe Biden Emasculates Himself

Obama’s Approval Rating Rises After Joe Biden Emasculates Himself

CAMBRIDGE, Md. – During the speech he delivered at the annual House Democratic retreat in January, Vice President Joe Biden disclosed that he’d fervently warned President Obama against moving forward with the attack that killed Osama bin Laden. Biden told congressional members that President Obama ignored his exhortation and stoically ordered U.S. special forces...

Ahmadinejad Halts Iran’s Nuclear Plans After Madonna’s Super Bowl Performance

Ahmadinejad Halts Iran’s Nuclear Plans After Madonna’s Super Bowl Performance

Tehran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that he’s terminated all Iranian nuclear programs and said he will travel to Israel later in the week to meet with Prime Minister Netanyahu to discuss peace. The announcement was made from an orphanage in Mashhad where Ahmadinejad spent several hours hugging children and playing tag....

Baltimore Ravens Kicker Blames Missed Field Goal on Do-Nothing Congress

Baltimore Ravens Kicker Blames Missed Field Goal on Do-Nothing Congress

FOXBOROUGH, MASS – After missing what would have been a game-tying field goal in the waning seconds of the AFC Championship game, Baltimore Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff told reporters that his frustration and disappointment with the U.S. Congress was a contributing factor in his bungled kick. Several of Cundiff’s family members concurred that the...

World Celebrates Alec Baldwin’s Return to Twitter

World Celebrates Alec Baldwin’s Return to Twitter

When Alec Baldwin abandoned Twitter I think I was in a state of shock. I don’t even remember the first couple of weeks after it happened. You know what they say, denial ain’t no river in Egypt. But today when I heard he was back I cried happy tears. - Brittany Russell, Seattle, WA...

Rick Perry Says Romney Beat Poor Elderly Woman with a Polo Mallet

Rick Perry Says Romney Beat Poor Elderly Woman with a Polo Mallet

New Hampshire – After getting walloped in Tuesday’s New Hampshire Republican primary, Texas Governor Rick Perry lashed out at Mitt Romney during an interview on FOX news. Perry called Romney a vulture capitalist who devours companies and leaves behind the carcases of the workers. He also said Romney was an unethical person who wants...

Gingrich Campaign Denies Hiring Man to Stare at Mitt Romney During Debate

Gingrich Campaign Denies Hiring Man to Stare at Mitt Romney During Debate

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager denies that anyone on his staff paid a man to stare at Mitt Romney in an intimidating way during last night’s Republican debate in Manchester. But an anonymous source claims that a Gingrich campaign staffer gave a sinister looking man $137 and McDonald’s gift certificates to glare...

Jesus Christ Signs With Denver Broncos for $100 Million

Jesus Christ Signs With Denver Broncos for $100 Million

DENVER – The Denver Broncos announced today that they’ve signed Jesus Christ to a one year, $100 million contract to play an unspecified position on their football team. After Sunday’s win over the Chicago Bears, Broncos owner Pat Bowlen met with Mr. Christ over cocktails at a downtown Denver AppleBee’s where he persuaded the...

Thedailyrash.com

Macy’s Fires Another Santa Claus for Drinking on the Job

NEW YORK – Macy’s department store has fired yet another Santa Claus employee for being drunk at their Herald Square location in Manhattan, their fifth Santa termination since November 25th. A spokesperson for Macy’s said two other Santas have been suspended without pay for three days and another was issued a verbal warning, all...

Congressman Frank doing his Elmer Fudd "look"

Barney Frank In Salary Negotiations For Elmer Fudd Role

NEW YORK – DreamWorks Studios announced today that they are in the final stages of salary negotiations with former Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank for their new Looney Tunes Bugs Bunny movie. Frank is slated to play Elmer Fudd in the two-hundred million dollar, three hour movie. The congressman expressed interest in the role when...

Governor Rick Perry Patrols Border with Sniper Rifle

Governor Rick Perry Patrols Border with Sniper Rifle

TEXAS – In what some are calling a desperate attempt to garner support from the conservative base, Republican presidential candidate, Texas Governor Rick Perry, spent the weekend patrolling the Texas-Mexico border armed with a high powered rifle. At a town hall meeting on Friday, Perry told constituents that if they couldn’t depend on the...

Demi Moore Dumps Ashton Kutcher for Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

Demi Moore Dumps Ashton Kutcher for Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

HOLLYWOOD – In a startling turn of events last night, actress Demi Moore announced she’d filed for divorce from husband Ashton Kutcher because she is involved with someone new. Rumors began circulating around Hollywood yesterday after Moore tweeted a short but revealing message to her fans: am seeing special guy prepping for biracial backlash...

Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

NEW YORK – In an effort to cut down on the rapidly growing number of rapes occurring at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, organizers are encouraging sex workers to join the protests where they will be paid to help absorb the pent-up sexual frustrations of troubled revolutionaries who are unable to control their urges. Organizers...

Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who lives on disability benefits, said...

Two Women Say Herman Cain Beat Them Senseless with a Frozen Turkey

Two Women Say Herman Cain Beat Them Senseless with a Frozen Turkey

WASHINGTON – Yet another Herman Cain scandal has been unearthed by the Politico news organization. The website reports that two women, who ask to remain anonymous, have come forward and said that in the late nineties Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain, beat them senseless with a frozen turkey after they refused to accompany him...

Biden Warns Students: Without Jobs Bill You Could be Sodomized like Gaddafi

Biden Warns Students: Without Jobs Bill You Could be Sodomized like Gaddafi

INDIANAPOLIS – After inundating Americans last week with dire warnings that rapes and murders would escalate out of control unless Republicans agreed to pass Obama’s jobs bill, Vice President Biden told students at a junior high school in Indianapolis that the beating, sodomizing and killing of Moammar Gaddafi is the equivalent of what many...

podium

OBAMA RESIGNS!

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced today that President Barack Obama will step down as the President of the United States so that he can focus on winning the 2012 Democratic presidential nomination. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said the President plans to make an official announcement in a speech at Germany’s...

‘Occupy Antarctica’ Protester Carries On Despite -50 Degree Temperatures

‘Occupy Antarctica’ Protester Carries On Despite -50 Degree Temperatures

AMUNDSEN-SCOTT, ANTARCTICA – In the tradition of some of the most ardent revolutionaries throughout history, 32 year-old Steinar Skramstad isn’t allowing inconvenient circumstances to hinder his steadfast determination to lead the charge for change in Antarctica. Protesting by himself in mind numbing -50 degree temperatures outside his parents’ home, Steinar Skramstad’s lonely revolt against...

Thedailyrash.com

FBI Says Ron Paul Handed Out LSD to Occupy Wall Street Protesters

NEW YORK – According to a report released by the FBI this afternoon, during his presidential campaign run in 2011, former Texas Congressman Ron Paul visited the Occupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan where it’s alleged he handed out LSD tabs to protesters. A former spokesperson for the Ron Paul for President committee...

Middle-Aged Wall Street Protester Still Living With His Parents Middle-Aged Wall Street Protester Still Living With His Parents

CARRBORO, NC – Two weeks ago Bernard Angelopoulos was sitting in his dad’s favorite...

Obama Admits Killing Muslims More Fun Than He Expected Obama Admits Killing Muslims More Fun Than He Expected

WASHINGTON – During his visit with with Chris Matthews on MSNBC’s Hardball, President Obama...

Prison Executioner Grateful for Job Security Prison Executioner Grateful for Job Security

JACKSON, GEORGIA  – As family, friends and death penalty protesters mourned the execution of...

Charlie Sheen Debuts Kinder and Gentler Hairpiece at Emmy Awards Charlie Sheen Debuts Kinder and Gentler Hairpiece at Emmy Awards

LOS ANGELES – A clean and sober Charlie Sheen took to the stage Sunday...

A Second Shift Supervisor Contemplates Transfering to First Shift A Second Shift Supervisor Contemplates Transfering to First Shift

NEEDLES, CA – The announcement that a supervisor at a southern California glass eye...

Bill Clinton Accuses President Obama of Stealing Hillary’s iPad Bill Clinton Accuses President Obama of Stealing Hillary’s iPad

WASHINGTON – Reports of trouble brewing between President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary...

Joe Biden to Perform Dance Interpretation of Obama’s Job Speech Joe Biden to Perform Dance Interpretation of Obama’s Job Speech

WASHINGTON – White House press secretary Jay Carney announced today that Vice President Joe...

Black Caucus Wants Hangings by Tea Party Members to be a Hate Crime Black Caucus Wants Hangings by Tea Party Members to be a Hate Crime

WASHINGTON – Outraged by the growing number of black people being lynched by Tea...

New Jersey Suntan Legend Ignores Hurricane Irene Evacuation Order New Jersey Suntan Legend Ignores Hurricane Irene Evacuation Order

ATLANTIC CITY – Even as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie praised residents who evacuated...

Casey Anthony Reaches Out to Moammar Khadafi Casey Anthony Reaches Out to Moammar Khadafi

FLORIDA – At an unknown location in Florida the past several weeks, Casey Anthony...

Gerard Depardieu Accused of Defecating on City Bus Gerard Depardieu Accused of Defecating on City Bus

DUBLIN – Less than two years after he made national news for urinating on...

Jesse Jackson Busted for Looting in London Riots Jesse Jackson Busted for Looting in London Riots

LONDON – Because of his scandalous displays of civil disobedience during this city’s destructive...

2ic3a0yRoving Bands of Ducks Terrorize Chicago

CHICAGO – At a press conference today in Daley Plaza, Chicago Police Chief Garry...

Jimmy Carter Banned from Neighborhood Park Jimmy Carter Banned from Neighborhood Park

SCOTT DEPOT, WV – After dozens of complaints from residents of this small West...

Al Sharpton: America’s First Illiterate News Anchor Al Sharpton: America’s First Illiterate News Anchor

NEW YORK – In a move to build on its reputation for diversity and...

Osama bin Laden’s Dream of Owning Dairy Queen Franchise Thwarted Osama bin Laden’s Dream of Owning Dairy Queen Franchise Thwarted

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – After innumerable years of killing innocent people, dwelling in caves, riding...

Keith Olbermann Lands First Interview with Casey Anthony Keith Olbermann Lands First Interview with Casey Anthony

NEW YORK – Before the cancellation of his show on Al Gore’s television network...

More and More Unemployed Men Resorting to Prostitution More and More Unemployed Men Resorting to Prostitution

SCRANTON, PA – Eighteen months ago Brent Woods was working twelve hour days in...

Amy Winehouse’s Dad Begins His Singing Tour Day After Funeral Amy Winehouse’s Dad Begins His Singing Tour Day After Funeral

LONDON – Just two days before his singing debut at the infamous Blue Note...

Maury Povich Guest Claims Maria Shriver Bore His Child Maury Povich Guest Claims Maria Shriver Bore His Child

Yesterday on daytime television’s Maury, host Maury Povich informed his audience that his guest...

Kim Kardashian Sues Serena Williams Over Look-a-Like Ass Kim Kardashian Sues Serena Williams Over Look-a-Like Ass

BEVERLY HILLS – Reality TV star Kim Kardashian is up to her surgically enhanced...

weiner-crying1President Clinton Counsels Anthony Weiner

WASHINGTON – This morning an anonymous source gave the New York Times a recording...

School Principal’s Head Mysteriously Tattooed During Drunken Blackout School Principal’s Head Mysteriously Tattooed During Drunken Blackout

The last thing I remember is standing in my socks on the soggy bank...

Russell Crowe Champions Foreskin Russell Crowe Champions Foreskin

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – International movie star Russell Crowe has thrown down the gauntlet regarding...

Anthony Wiener Blames Lewd Twitter Pics on Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Anthony Wiener Blames Lewd Twitter Pics on Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece

NEW YORK – In a stunning turn of events earlier today, an enervated Anthony...

I’m Thirteen and I Have Gonorrhea Debuts on MTV I’m Thirteen and I Have Gonorrhea Debuts on MTV

BURBANK – The much anticipated debut of MTV’s I’m Thirteen and I Have Gonorrhea...

Elizabeth Taylor Challenged Charlie Sheen to Try and Out-Party Her Elizabeth Taylor Challenged Charlie Sheen to Try and Out-Party Her

BEVERLY HILLS – During a press conference several weeks before she passed away, a...

Prince Charles & Camilla Partied with Charlie Sheen on Eve of Royal Wedding Prince Charles & Camilla Partied with Charlie Sheen on Eve of Royal Wedding

LONDON – Buckingham Palace is buzzing today after news was leaked that Prince Charles...

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Toss Children Off Bridge in Uzbekistan Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Toss Children Off Bridge in Uzbekistan

UZBEKISTAN – A shocked group of citizens in the city of Tashkent told police...

Compton’s Drive-Thru Funeral Home a Source of Community Pride Compton’s Drive-Thru Funeral Home a Source of Community Pride

COMPTON, CALIFORNIA – When it comes to viewing the bodies of the dearly departed,...

Kobe Bryant’s Homosexual Slur Leaves Many Americans Despondent Kobe Bryant’s Homosexual Slur Leaves Many Americans Despondent

LOS ANGELES –  Toni Timberlake sat on the patio of his favorite West Hollywood...

Tyra Banks Brings Meatloaf to His Knees Tyra Banks Brings Meatloaf to His Knees

NEW YORK – In what has become her signature maneuver as an investigative journalist,...

Afghan Man Reschedules Stoning Wife to Avenge Koran Burning Afghan Man Reschedules Stoning Wife to Avenge Koran Burning

AFGHANISTAN – Last week Chaghcharan “Cha-Cha” Mahmoud was in his backyard choosing the stones...

Study Finds Use of Gang Signs by Middle Class Whites on the Rise Study Finds Use of Gang Signs by Middle Class Whites on the Rise

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY – A recent study by the Department of Sociology at Princeton...

Dayton Ohio Gets a New Police Chief Courtesy of Eric Holder Dayton Ohio Gets a New Police Chief Courtesy of Eric Holder

DAYTON, OHIO – The proud city of Dayton and its police department is celebrating...

joe-biden-ash-wednesday-forehead-obama1Vice President Biden Mocks Ash Wednesday at Press Conference

WASHINGTON – In what many are calling cruel and insensitive, Vice President Joe Biden...

Breathing Oprah’s Air at the Academy Awards Breathing Oprah’s Air at the Academy Awards

Celebrities go crazy at the Academy Awards in an effort to breath the same...

Moammar Khadafi Seeks Asylum in Alabama Moammar Khadafi Seeks Asylum in Alabama

CRAWDAD, ALABAMA – As war planes flew over Libya’s capital of Tripoli and military...

New York City Passes Law to Begin Executing Smokers New York City Passes Law to Begin Executing Smokers

NEW YORK CITY – After the mayor and city council of New York City...

Excess Fecal Weight Almost Destroyed My Marriage Excess Fecal Weight Almost Destroyed My Marriage

NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA – Until recently, excessive fecal weight had rarely been considered a culprit...

Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors

GARDEN GROVE, CALIFORNIA – Ned Cockburn says he’s always been an obsessed NFL fanatic....

Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies

BEVERLY HILLS – In an effort to raise money for future legal fees, Charlie...

Jay Cutler’s Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports Show Jay Cutler’s Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports Show

CHICAGO – After a bruising loss to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC...

‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ Debuts on NBC ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ Debuts on NBC

HOLLYWOOD – In a vigorous effort to compete with Dancing with the Stars, Skating...

Conan O’Brien Commercials Cause Sober Man to Drink Conan O’Brien Commercials Cause Sober Man to Drink

PHOENIX – After two decades of sustained sobriety, Kurt Kammerdiener leapt off the proverbial...

Joe Biden Doubtful Sarah Palin Acted Alone in Arizona Shootings Joe Biden Doubtful Sarah Palin Acted Alone in Arizona Shootings

SLIDEL, LOUISIANA – Inside the sparsely populated community room of the Peaceful Twilight Convalescent...

Hugh Hefner’s 26 Year-Old Wife: ‘I Love it When Hef Gums Me!’ Hugh Hefner’s 26 Year-Old Wife: ‘I Love it When Hef Gums Me!’

BEVERLY HILLS – On New Year’s Eve Playboy Enterprises CEO, eighty-six year-old Hugh Hefner,...

Jesse Jackson “Forgot” About His Illegitimate Child Last Christmas Jesse Jackson “Forgot” About His Illegitimate Child Last Christmas

CHICAGO – In what is becoming an annual event, Tyra Banks hosted The Tyra...

Military Recruiting Centers Bulging with Eager Gay Enlistees Military Recruiting Centers Bulging with Eager Gay Enlistees

San Francisco – Ever since he was a little boy, Toni Johanson dreamed of...

After Giving Birth to Twins, Celine Dion Sells Afterbirth on Ebay After Giving Birth to Twins, Celine Dion Sells Afterbirth on Ebay

LAS VEGAS – In a heartwarming goodwill gesture to millions of fans around the...

Wesley Snipes Meets His New Cellmate Wesley Snipes Meets His New Cellmate

BRADFORD, PA – After finally giving up on appealing his tax evasion conviction, Wesley...

America’s Vaginas Glisten in Mayonnaise – Kardashian Style! America’s Vaginas Glisten in Mayonnaise – Kardashian Style!

LOS ANGELES – Is it a crime if your vagina doesn’t shine? For tens...

Emails Reveal Comedian Carrot Top a Secret CIA Experiment Emails Reveal Comedian Carrot Top a Secret CIA Experiment

WASHINGTON – The Obama administration has been slow to respond to recent controversial government...

Michael Moore “Pretty Sure” He Experienced Erection During TSA Pat-Down Michael Moore “Pretty Sure” He Experienced Erection During TSA Pat-Down

NEW YORK – Not everyone is complaining about the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) “pat-down”...

San Francisco Allows Happy Meals After McDonald’s OK’s Back Room Fisting San Francisco Allows Happy Meals After McDonald’s OK’s Back Room Fisting

SAN FRANCISCO – Representatives for the McDonald’s Corporation met with members of the San...

Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Arrested, Held Without Bail Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Arrested, Held Without Bail

NEW YORK – Charlie Sheen’s publicist told reporters today that Charlie was a victim...

Obama Chastises First Lady Over Unsightly Panty Lines Obama Chastises First Lady Over Unsightly Panty Lines

WASHINGTON – In a rare display of harsh criticism, President Obama lambasted First Lady...

Moss Man Claims Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Drove Him Insane Moss Man Claims Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece Drove Him Insane

HILLSBORO, OREGON – Gregory “Moss Man” Liascos was arraigned today at Hillsboro County courthouse...

After Years of Agonizing Struggle, Lisa Rinna Deflates Her Lips After Years of Agonizing Struggle, Lisa Rinna Deflates Her Lips

HOLLYWOOD – Lisa Rinna is lounging on the sofa in her Hollywood Hills bungalow...

Jimmy Carter Declares ‘I Can Bench Press 350 pounds!’ Jimmy Carter Declares ‘I Can Bench Press 350 pounds!’

NEW YORK – Determined to sculpt an image of himself that contradicts historical record,...

Bob Woodward’s New Book Reveals Obama’s Secret Family Bob Woodward’s New Book Reveals Obama’s Secret Family

WASHINGTON – Bob Woodward’s last book, the highly successful “Obama’s Wars,” has become a...

Stephen Colbert: Is This the House Judiciary Committee or an Oil Painting? Stephen Colbert: Is This the House Judiciary Committee or an Oil Painting?

WASHINGTON –  In a congressional hearing room filled with reporters, photographers and members of...

Dan Rather Found Wandering the Desert in a Blanket Dan Rather Found Wandering the Desert in a Blanket

MOUNT NEBO, JORDAN – Jordanian officials say they discovered American newsman Dan Rather wandering...

Koran Burning Pastor & Ground Zero Imam to Appear on Wife-Swap Koran Burning Pastor & Ground Zero Imam to Appear on Wife-Swap

WASHINGTON – Vice President Joe Biden announced this morning that Florida Pastor Terry Jones...

Large Naked Pedophile Picnics Outside Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant Large Naked Pedophile Picnics Outside Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant

BEAVERTON, OREGON – Rod Sterling has been the assistant manager of Beaverton’s Chuck E....

Ground Zero Mosque to Include Jihad Fantasy Camp for Kids Ground Zero Mosque to Include Jihad Fantasy Camp for Kids

NEW YORK – In what the New York Times is calling “a bear-hug of...

Coach Jimmy Johnson Working Overtime to Enlarge Your Penis Coach Jimmy Johnson Working Overtime to Enlarge Your Penis

MIAMI, FLORIDA – Former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson is a man with a mission....

Obama: You Could Be Burning In The Flames of Hell! Obama: You Could Be Burning In The Flames of Hell!

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama chided a reporter this afternoon in the Rose Garden...

Doctors Warn Frank Sinatra Jr. He’s Going to Explode Doctors Warn Frank Sinatra Jr. He’s Going to Explode

ATLANTIC CITY – According to his friends and relatives, Frank Sinatra Jr. is getting...

In Her Bid to Remain Speaker of the House, Pelosi Switches Parties In Her Bid to Remain Speaker of the House, Pelosi Switches Parties

WASHINGTON – After weeks of Internet rumors of her impending retirement if Democrats lose...

Chaz Bono Suspected of Being Mafia Crime Boss Chaz Bono Suspected of Being Mafia Crime Boss

LAS VEGAS – A confidential source says the FBI is investigating Chaz Bono, daughter...

mel-gibson-Mel Gibson Tells Tyra Banks: ‘Some of My Best Friends Are Niggers’

NEW YORK – In an exclusive interview on 60 Minutes Sunday night, Hollywood superstar...

PH2008090202003Vice President Biden Assaults Elderly Woman

MADISON, WISCONSIN –  Secret Service agents forcibly removed Vice President Joe Biden from a...

buseyObama Fires Petraeus, Gary Busey to Lead War in Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – After firing Stanley McChrystal and announcing at a White House press conference...

riot-at-un-conferenceDeath Toll Climbs as Los Angeles Celebrates Lakers

LOS ANGELES – As the bodies pile up at the city morgue and inner...

al-goreAl Gore Addicted to Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE – Tipper Gore broke her silence this week and opened up about...

20090707_obamabiden_560x375Obama: Blame for Oil Spill Falls On Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, DC – During his appearance last night on the Joy Behar Show, President...

helen-thomasHelen Thomas Confesses to Tyra Banks: ‘I Made Out With Hitler’

WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking revelation during her 2010 appearance on 60 Minutes,...

travoltaBIG280706_411x600John Travolta Urinates Outside at Disney World

ORLANDO, FLORIDA – A Disney World spokesperson announced this afternoon that actor John Travolta...

gardener57-Eleven Offers Prostate Exam with Slurpee and Chili Dog Purchase

DALLAS – Top executives at 7-Eleven announced today that the company plans to implement...

2476844639_d7c7007d13Obama Picks Personal Injury Lawyer for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced this morning that President Obama has changed...

IMG_0136_smallFamily Refused to Allow Gulf Oil Spill Ruin Beach Vacation

GULF OF MEXICO – After a fun filled day of snorkeling and water skiing...

shakira_reuters_227649gArizona Police Waterboard Shakira

PHOENIX, ARIZONA – Phoenix Police Chief Jack Harris confirmed today that Phoenix police officers...

Naomi-CampbellNaomi Campbell Beats Herself Unconscious at New York Airport

NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell was arrested at JFK International Airport Thursday night by...

slide_6268_83104_largeA Drunk Joe Biden Rambles Incoherently at White House Picnic

WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Joe Biden issued a press statement today from his...

Cockroaches1Oprah’s Childhood Cockroach Friends Found Alive in Mississippi

KOSCIUSKO, MISSISSIPPI – For many years Oprah Winfrey has told the story of being...

fred-phelps1Westboro Baptist Church Reverend Resigns as Ricky Martin Fan Club Director

TOPEKA, KANSAS – The pews of the Westboro Baptist Church sat empty last Easter...

A happy Kucinich leaves Air Force OneMaury Povich Irrigates Dennis Kucinich’s Colon

WASHINGTON, DC – Senior White House officials have confirmed that President Obama’s invitation to...

KSM "before" make-overKhalid Sheikh Mohammed to Appear on Extreme Jihadist Make-Over

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – As Nancy Lilt struggled to wash the matted hair of...

Slaughter in Libya, Nightmare in Japan, Obama Goes Golfing Slaughter in Libya, Nightmare in Japan, Obama Goes Golfing

WASHINGTON – When told that the potential of a meltdown at Japanese nuclear plants...

DogDog The Bounty Hunter Accidentally Chews Off His Own Arm

HONOLULU, HAWAII – When Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on The Tyra Banks Show yesterday,...

1038blog_louisLouis Farrakhan Claims His UFO Abductors Were Jewish

CHICAGO –  During a week of reprimanding “white Christians that pray for President Barack...

Vladimir Putin photo shootHarlequin Romance Replaces Fabio with Vladimir Putin

TORONTO, CANADA – Last week Harlequin Enterprises shocked the world of Romance novels when...

madmanMan Kills Facebook Friend Over Mundane, Day in the Life Comments

SEATTLE – Talbert Wilcox pleaded not guilty in a Seattle Municipal Court yesterday to...

fat-kidMichelle Obama Proposes Slaughtering Obese Children

LAS VEGAS – This weekend First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at a gathering of...

Thedailyrash.comDavid Caruso Explains Sideways Stance: “I Always Face Mecca”

LOS ANGELES – Last week when David Caruso appeared on The Tyra Banks Show,...

30030434-30030435-largeGary Coleman Claimed Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts Stalked Him

PAYSON, UTAH – Before he died, a lawyer for Gary Coleman filed stalking charges...

bourbon-streetNew Orleans Wins Super Bowl! Bourbon Street Awash in Blood and Vomit

NEW ORLEANS, LA – The New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts yesterday in...

Groupie_WannabeGroupies Cause Security Problems at Bill O’Reilly-Glenn Beck Show

LOS ANGELES – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck looked at each other and smiled...