FOXBOROUGH, MASS – After missing what would have been a game-tying field goal in the waning seconds of the AFC Championship game, Baltimore Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff told reporters that his frustration and disappointment with the U.S. Congress was a contributing factor in his bungled kick. Several of Cundiff’s...
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When Alec Baldwin abandoned Twitter I think I was in a state of shock. I don’t even remember the first couple of weeks after it happened. You know what they say, denial ain’t no river in Egypt. But today when I heard he was back I cried happy tears....
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New Hampshire – After getting walloped in Tuesday’s New Hampshire Republican primary, Texas Governor Rick Perry lashed out at Mitt Romney during an interview on FOX news. Perry called Romney a vulture capitalist who devours companies and leaves behind the carcases of the workers. He also said Romney was...
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NEW HAMPSHIRE – Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager denies that he or anyone on his staff paid a man to stare at Mitt Romney in an intimidating way during the Republican debate in Manchester. But an anonymous source told the Daily Rash that someone from the Gingrich campaign gave a...
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DENVER – The Denver Broncos announced today that they’ve signed Jesus Christ to a one year, $100 million contract to play an unspecified position on their football team. After Sunday’s win over the Chicago Bears, Broncos owner Pat Bowlen met with Mr. Christ over cocktails at a downtown Denver...
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NEW YORK – Macy’s department store has fired yet another Santa Claus employee for being drunk at their Herald Square location in Manhattan, their fifth Santa termination since November 25th. A spokesperson for Macy’s said that two other Santas have been suspended without pay for three days and another...
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NEW YORK – DreamWorks Studios announced today that they are in the final stages of salary negotiations with Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank for their new Looney Tunes Bugs Bunny movie. Frank is slated to play Elmer Fudd in the five hundred million dollar, two part, six hour movie epic....
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TEXAS – In what some are calling a desperate attempt to garner support from the conservative base, Republican presidential candidate, Texas Governor Rick Perry, spent the weekend patrolling the Texas-Mexico border armed with a high powered rifle. At a town hall meeting on Friday, Perry told constituents that if...
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HOLLYWOOD – In a startling turn of events last night, actress Demi Moore announced she’d filed for divorce from husband Ashton Kutcher because she is involved with someone new. Rumors began circulating around Hollywood yesterday after Moore tweeted a short but revealing message to her fans: am seeing special...
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NEW YORK – In an effort to cut down on the rapidly growing number of rapes occurring at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, organizers are encouraging sex workers to join the protests where they will be paid to help absorb the pent-up sexual frustrations of troubled revolutionaries who are unable...
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NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who...
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WASHINGTON – Yet another Herman Cain scandal has been unearthed by the Politico news organization. Their website is reporting that two women who ask to remain anonymous have come forward and said that in the late nineties Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain beat them senseless with a frozen turkey...
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INDIANAPOLIS – After inundating Americans last week with dire warnings that rapes and murders would escalate out of control unless republicans agreed to pass Obama’s jobs bill, Vice President Biden told students at a junior high school in Indianapolis that the beating, sodomizing and killing of Moammar Gaddafi is...
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WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced today that President Barack Obama will step down as the President of the United States of America so that he can focus on winning the 2012 Democratic Presidential Nomination. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said the President plans to make an...
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WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced today that President Barack Obama will step down as the President of...
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AMUNDSEN-SCOTT, ANTARCTICA – In the tradition of some of the most ardent revolutionaries throughout history, 32 year-old Steinar Skramstad...
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NEW YORK – In between fundraisers for his presidential campaign, Texas Congressman Ron Paul found the time to make...
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CARRBORO, NC – Two weeks ago Bernard Angelopoulos was sitting in his dad’s favorite recliner watching VH1′s ‘Celebrity Rehab’...
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WASHINGTON – During an interview yesterday with Chris Matthews on MSNBC’s Hardball, President Obama responded to the host’s hard...
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JACKSON, GEORGIA – As family, friends and death penalty protesters mourned the execution of convicted murderer Troy Davis, prison...
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LOS ANGELES – A clean and sober Charlie Sheen took to the stage Sunday night at the 2011 Emmy...
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NEEDLES, CA – The speculation that a supervisor at a glass eye factory is contemplating transferring from the second...
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WASHINGTON – Reports of trouble brewing between President Obama and Hillary Clinton have been spreading like wild fire from...
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WASHINGTON – White House press secretary Jay Carney announced today that Vice President Joe Biden will be performing a...
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WASHINGTON – Outraged by the growing number of black people being lynched by Tea Party members of Congress, the...
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ATLANTIC CITY – Even as New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie praised residents who evacuated in response to the overblown...
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FLORIDA – At an unknown location in Florida the past several weeks, Casey Anthony lay awake at night wishing,...
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ORLANDO, FLORIDA – A Disney World spokesperson announced this afternoon that actor John Travolta was asked to leave the amusement park on Memorial Day after he jumped into the water of a theme ride and proceeded to urinate. When the incident occurred, holiday revelers ran towards Disney security team members and parents attempted to...
NEW YORK – After being arrested at JFK International Airport Thursday night, Port Authority Police handcuffed Naomi Campbell to her hospital bed at an undisclosed medical facility in New York City. Miss Campbell is being charged with aggravated assault, verbal intimidation and disorderly conduct. Criminal defense attorney Nigel Nottingham represents Miss Campbell. He assured...
KOSCIUSKO, MISSISSIPPI – Although scientists claim that it is impossible, Oprah Winfrey producers announced today that her childhood friends, Melinda and Sandy, two cockroaches she befriended while living in poverty as a child, were found alive last week in Mississippi. Cecil Baker lives down the street from the house where Oprah was raised in...
HONOLULU, HAWAII – When Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on the Tyra Banks Show yesterday, it was several minutes into the interview before Tyra noticed he only had one arm. Even then, she was unaware that Chapman had been in possession of both arms until just a few days before the taping. Duane “Dog” Chapman...
Helen Thomas Tells Tyra Banks “I made out with Adolf Hitler”WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking revelation, veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas appeared...
A Drunk Joe Biden Rambles Incoherently at White House PicnicWASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Joe Biden issued a press statement today from his...
Maury Povich Irrigates Dennis Kucinich’s ColonWASHINGTON, DC – Senior White House officials have confirmed that President Obama’s invitation to...
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to Appear on Extreme Jihadist Make-OverGUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – As Nancy Lilt washed the hair of detainee Momar Khalic...
