DALLAS – Top executives at 7-Eleven announced today that the company plans to implement prostate examinations into its ever growing menu of services. Speaking to a large group of 7-Eleven employees, senior director of sales Gilbert Mann expressed his excitement about adding prostate exams in five million 7-Eleven stores by August. The response from employees was mixed. While many expressed surprise, others sighed with resignation amongst a smattering of applause from the executives attending the meeting.
Gilbert Mann explained that 7-Eleven is doing its part to help combat the staggering costs of health care in the U.S. He said that 7-Eleven will not be doing PSA testing (prostate specific antigen) because it requires drawing blood from the customer. Instead, the company will focus solely on digital rectal examinations.
“We were brainstorming to try and figure out a way to lower the monthly costs of our rubber glove orders. Because we sell hot food items the law requires that all employees wear rubber gloves. An associate happened to mention a news article about the singer Meatloaf getting a prostate exam during our surprise inspection at one of our 7-Eleven stores. I was watching an employee serve a steaming plate of nachos to a customer after he’d just changed the oil on a Subaru. That’s when the light bulb lit up above my head and I yelled out Prostate Exams!, scaring the living daylights out of customers and employees alike!”
“There has been some consternation with a few of our clerks about performing rectal examinations. Since we don’t have the space in most of our locations, examinations will temporarily be conducted in utility closets or out back near the dumpsters. After our clerks attend training sessions, most of them accept the prostate exam as a public service for their customers, friends and neighbors. For the more difficult clerks we offer counseling from a reputable motivational speaker.”
The American Medical Association issued a statement this morning railing against allowing convenience store clerks to perform prostate examinations on their customers. Mr. Mann acknowledged the concern.
He composed himself and straightened his tie.
“We will not be making a diagnosis or giving medical advice. If a clerk feels a lump or something out of the ordinary during their rummaging, they’ll politely suggest to the customer that they see a real doctor sometime soon. It’s a public service more than anything else. And I am confident that it is a service that will become very popular in less reputable neighborhoods where people don’t always have access to affordable health care.”
Bashaarat Hussein has worked at 7-Eleven in Downey, California for eighteen years. He said he’s always liked his job and never had problems with his employers, before now. Mr. Hussein is working with counselors to overcome his reluctance to digging around inside a strange man’s rectum.
“I do not wish to offend my bosses, but I am having very difficult time adjusting to new policies. I am a proud man and I do not want to go into the utility closet with other men. What will I tell my sons?”
Gilbert Mann said he is confident Mr. Hussein will work through his conflicts and doubts he’ll want to miss being a part of the 7-Eleven of the future.
“Imagine driving up to your local 7-Eleven with your family. Your car receives a fill up and lube job while your wife and daughter take advantage of our gynecological services. Your little boy can enjoy a delicious chili dog while we spay or neuter your adorable family pet. As your elderly father puts his sparkling mint-fresh dentures, that have just been cleaned and polished, back into his smiling mouth, you get a thumbs-up sign about your prostate exam results. Then the whole family ends their visit suckin’ on delicious, ice cold Slurpees!”