DALLAS – Top executives at 7-Eleven announced today that the company will implement prostate examinations into its ever growing menu of services. Speaking to a large group of 7-Eleven employees, senior director of sales Gilbert Mann expressed his excitement about adding prostate examinations in five million 7-Eleven stores by August. The response from employees was mixed. While many expressed surprise with dropped jaws and wide eyes, others sighed with resignation amongst a smattering of applause from other executives attending the meeting.
Gilbert Mann explained that 7-Eleven is doing its part to help combat the staggering costs of health care in the U.S. He said that 7-Eleven will not be doing PSA testing (prostate specific antigen) because it requires drawing blood from the customer. Instead, the company will focus solely on digital rectal examinations.
“We were brainstorming to try and figure out a way to lower the monthly costs of our rubber glove orders. Because we sell hot food items behind the counter, the law requires that all employees wear rubber gloves when handling food. One of my associates happened to mention reading an article in The Daily Rash about the singer Meatloaf getting a prostate exam. During a surprise inspection at one of our 7-Eleven stores the following day, I was watching an employee serve a steaming plate of nachos to a customer after he’d just changed the oil on a customer’s Subaru. That’s when the light bulb lit up above my head and I yelled out Prostate Exams!, scaring the living daylights out of customers and employees alike!”
Mr. Mann said that there would be a $3 service charge for the exams that would help cover the costs for training and psychological counseling.
“There has been some consternation with a few of our clerks about performing rectal examinations. Since we don’t have the space in most of our locations, examinations will temporarily be conducted in utility closets or out back near the dumpsters. After our clerks attend training sessions, most of them accept the prostate exam as a public service for their customers, friends and neighbors. For the more difficult clerks we offer counseling from a reputable motivational speaker.”
The American Medical Association issued a statement this morning railing against allowing convenience store clerks to perform prostate examinations on their customers. Mr. Mann acknowledged the concern.
“Hey! Let’s not make a cancer diagnosis out of a benign polyp, OK?” Mr. Mann laughed loudly and slapped his knee. “Sorry, but I’ve been waiting to use that line for two weeks!”
He composed himself and straightened his tie.
“We will not be making a diagnosis or giving medical advice. If a clerk feels a lump or something out of the ordinary during their rummaging, they’ll politely suggest to the customer that they see a real doctor sometime soon. It’s a public service more than anything else. And I am confident that it is a service that will become very popular in less reputable neighborhoods where people don’t always have access to affordable health care.”
One clerk having a difficult time with the new policy is Bashaarat Hussein. Mr. Hussein has worked at 7-Eleven in Downey, California for eighteen years. He said he’s always liked his job and never had problems with his employers, before now. Mr. Hussein is working with counselors to overcome his reluctance to digging around inside a strange man’s rectum.
“I do not wish to offend my bosses, but I am having very difficult time adjusting to the new policies. I am a proud man and I do not want to go into the utility closet and examine men. I do not know what I will do. What will I tell my sons?”
Gilbert Mann told The Daily Rash that he is confident Mr. Hussein will work through his conflicts. He said he doubts Hussein will want to miss being a part of the 7-Eleven of the future.
“Imagine driving up to your local 7-Eleven with your family. Your car receives a fill up and lube job while your wife and daughter take advantage of our gynecological services. While your little boy enjoys a delicious chili dog, your lovable family pet is being spayed or neutered. As your elderly father puts his sparkling mint-fresh dentures, that have just been cleaned and polished, back into his smiling mouth, you get a thumbs-up sign about your prostate exam results! And everyone finishes the visit with a delicious ice cold Slurpee!”
Gilbert Mann folded his arms and smiled.
“And it’s all performed by a Syrian refugee!”
