Man Found Guilty of Stupidity Gets Thirteen Years
Gary Neil Holstein photographed in his hotel room by police
NEEDLES, CA. – Mary Jane Wilson runs the YOU ARE HERE motel in the dust laden town of Needles, California. Mrs. Wilson runs a clean establishment that caters mostly to truckers and folks down on their luck. For $29.99, a tired traveler can get a room with a bed, a bathroom and cable television with 732 channels. This past July, Wilson added a free wireless Internet connection. If Gary Neil Holstein would have spent his time on a computer terminal instead of his motel room phone, he could have saved himself a lot of trouble with the law.
Gary Holstein spent five days in room number 4 of the YOU ARE HERE motel in October. During that time he rang up $5000 worth of 900-number calls on his hotel room phone.
“We don’t monitor the phones since most the folks who stay here don’t know anybody to call.” Said Mrs. Wilson. “When I got the motel phone bill I almost fell out of my bean bag chair! My husband heard me scream and he came a runnin’ while he was loading the double barrel. I had to dive behind our entertainment center because he’d been drinking and I didn’t want my face shattered by the blast of that double barrel.”
Needles Police Chief, Dannon Malone, told The Daily Rash that when he heard what Gary Holstein had done, he was forced to make an example of him.
“For the love of Jesus! In this day and age of computers and free pornography on the Internet, why would a young man in his prime want to dial those stupid numbers and talk to… well hell, let’s be honest… ya don’t really know what you’re talking to on those 900 numbers now do ya?” Chief Malone paused to light a cigar.
“Years ago a fella came through town who kind of scared folks because he was… well, he had a rather startling facial deformity. I came upon him one night at Parkers Liquor Mart when he was buying a twelve pack of beer. I tipped my hat and he nodded. When I saw him in the parking lot I grabbed him from behind and I punched him in the kidneys several times. He dropped to his knees and I laid into the back of his head with my flashlight. He was a fighter and it took about a dozen blows to render him unconscious. Fact is, he almost died that night. Luckily Doc Porter was able to resuscitate him and keep me from having to answer some mighty tough questions!” Chief Malone laughed a big belly laugh, coughed up some phlegm and spit on the gravel.
“Anyways, when that facial deformity man finally regained consciousness he was given a warning, and a stern warning at that. Since he was able to walk we suggested that he immediately leave our town and never return.” Chief Malone thought for a moment. “He might have been an alright person. Maybe he never done nobody any harm or been in any trouble. The fact is, and I’m the first to admit that it ain’t fair, but the fact is….the man’s deformities scared the folks in Needles. He had to go.”
Chief Malone re-lit his cigar.
“Look around ya!” He waved his arm towards the town. “This town is already weird enough. The folks that live here are about as strange as you’re gonna find in any one place. Just read some of those travel books. If they ain’t saying how much there isn’t to do here or how much dust there is, they’re writing about our residents. About their lack of social skills or how uneasy they can make you feel. Even I have to drive out to Barstow every three or four weeks just to shake my head and align my ball bearings.”
As the Chief drifted off in thought, a paper boy rode up on his bike and threw a newspaper, hitting Chief Malone in the head. The Chief watched the paper boy ride off, bent over and picked up the paper and then puffed on his cigar,
“See what I mean? And that kid’s one of our brighter ones!”
A Needles jury found Gary Neil Holstein guilty of Stupidity. Judge Carter Wilson sentenced Holstein to one day in jail for every dollar he owed the YOU ARE HERE motel that he was not able to pay. Since $162 of Holstein’s two hundred dollars was used towards his five day stay at the motel, he was sentenced to thirteen and a half years in prison.
When The Daily Rash asked Holstein how he felt about his predicament, he thought for a moment and then sighed.
“Hell, I don’t know what to think about anything these days. I just found out the woman I spent all that time on the phone with is a fifty seven year old double amputee who weighs four hundred pounds and has six kids!”
He looked back over his shoulder as he was led away.
“I figure it’s gonna take about thirteen years to get that out of my head.”
