Gary Busey Wants to Discipline Your Children
MALIBU, CALIFORNIA – For the rest of his life, actor, musician and activist, Gary Busey, wants to discipline children. Last year the Associated Press reported that for several months, Busey experienced an uneasy feeling growing inside him. As the feeling intensified, he became aware of dramatic changes in himself.
“I didn’t know what the feelings were about for quite some time,” Busey recalled. “As they grew, I became more and more uneasy. I eventually became so uneasy that I had a friend lock me in the cellar of his home in Missouri. I sat in that cellar for almost five days with nothing but containers of pure rain water, Wheat Thin crackers and a big hunk of boiled ham. We’d cleared out the cellar beforehand, except for an old stained mattress on the floor. I was completely naked except for a white headband. I sat in the dark and trembled with indescribable fear and trepidation.”
After he’d finished off the last of his hunk of ham, Busey said that he came to understand the metamorphosis he’d been experiencing.
“I clearly saw that my purpose in life from that moment on was to discipline children.”
Busey began to realize his purpose with small steps. At first he offered his services to family members and friends.
“It took a few months for my friends to understand that I had been given a gift. When I screamed obscenities into the face of their four year old daughter, they weren’t evolved enough to see the beauty behind it. I even had a close family member threaten to take his six year old son and run away from me. Out of compassion I informed him that I would be forced to rip out his endocrine system unless he gave me another chance. He came to understand the magical gift I’d been given”
For the past year, Gary Busey has been disciplining children all over the country. 
His services are so in demand that he’s had to lease a private jet and he travels with a personal secretary. Variety recently speculated that Busey is making far more money disciplining children than he ever did acting.
“I’m not going to divulge how much money I’m taking in, but I will say, when you find your true calling… the money flows to you effortlessly.”
Busey’s methods are unorthodox to say the least. He’s been known to get so close into the face of a young child when he yells at them that sometimes their little noses have dozens of razor-like cuts from his large sharp teeth.
Yet in less than a year, Busey’s services have become the new it thing in Hollywood. His clients include Nicole Kidman, Demi Moore, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. There are rumors that Donald Sutherland had Busey discipline his forty two year old celebrity son Keifer.
“If you haven’t had your kids disciplined by Gary Busey, then you’re not going to get work in Hollywood!” remarked a movie business insider, on condition of anonymity. “I know couples who will lie when they’re at industry parties, telling others that Busey’s disciplined their kids. It’s nuts! But you’re nobody in this town if Busey hasn’t disciplined your kids.”
Recent Busey convert, Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman Guitierrez, better known around the world as the OctoMom, told The Daily Rash that Busey really does have a gift when it comes to disciplining children.
“It was my Mother’s idea to have Gary discipline my seven and eight year olds several months ago. The results were so amazing that we’re going to have him discipline the twelve babies next month!”
The Daily Rash caught up with Busey client, actress Ann Heche, and asked her to explain Busey’s methods and their results.
“I have no idea what that man does!” She laughed gingerly and sipped a diet soda. “All I know is, my eight year old has become the most well behaved child! After his sessions with Gary, he really seems to be at peace with himself. He’s quiet and he’s comfortable just sitting in a chair…for hours on end” She sipped her diet drink and then her eyes lit up.
“Before Gary, my kid would cry sometimes. Sometimes he screamed! Every now and then he even threw his toys. Since we hired Gary, my son has become an angel. When we have a dinner party we can just put him in a room all by himself and we never hear a noise from him. It’s almost like he doesn’t exist. It is just amazing!”
At this writing there is an eight month waiting period for parents reserving Gary Busey’s services. Although his rates begin at $1,000 an hour, if you’re anybody in Hollywood… Gary Busey is disciplining your kids.
