Lil Wayne Attacked by Marauding Band of Graffiti Artists
Lil Wayne leaving hospital
LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters today that his detectives are diligently pursuing the graffiti taggers who held Rap Artist Lil Wayne down, covering him in unattractive graffiti “tags.”
Lil Wayne’s publicist told The Daily Rash that Lil Wayne is completely innocent of any wrong doing and that he believes that the graffiti taggers were just jealous rappers who wanted Lil Wayne to pay for his success. The publicist then received a phone call and changed his story.
“Lil Wayne believes the criminals were white republicans.”
The publicist told The Daily Rash that new accusations from “Elite” black Americans will prompt Lil Wayne to seek legal council.
“We’ve just been contacted by the Reverend Jesse Jackson, the Reverend Al Sharpton and members of the Congressional Black Caucus. Even though Lil Wayne was not conscious during his assault, accusations of a politically motivated race crime by these prominent members of the black community are being taken seriously. Lil Wayne’s lawyers are now planning to sue organizations affiliated with white people who might be republicans.”
During his press conference, Lil Wayne admitted to drinking large amounts of Purple Drank, a drink popular in the Hip-hop community that contains prescription strength cough syrup, Sprite and Jolly Rancher candies. He then reenacted what he believed may have happened to him (by the savage marauders) for onlookers and journalists. While smoking a blunt, Lil Wayne lay down and held his hand to his head like a gun -
“I be pretty sure that I was held at gunpoint like that….”
Several minutes later it was apparent that Lil Wayne had fallen asleep.
Journalists and hangers-on attempted to wake Lil Wayne without success. Someone began to read some of the graffiti on Lil Wayne’s body and found an abundance of grammatical errors. Using magic markers, several people began to correct the misspellings and punctuation errors. But what started as a heartfelt gesture to “clean up” Lil Wayne quickly morphed into an onslaught of friends and strangers writing their own messages on his body. Within minutes, what seemed like hundreds of people gathered over the dormant body of Lil Wayne with pens, magic markers, pen knives and box cutters. As grammatical corrections were being made, others took advantage of the opportunity to write their own tags on Lil Wayne. Some wrote notes to friends and family members who’d recently been gunned down. Others wrote heartfelt poems to Rap icons such as Biggie Smalls and other murdered overweight Rappers. Still others penned emotional tributes to the late Michael Jackson. While the majority of the tags were stick figures and scrawled initials, one hooded tagger drew a portrait of murdered rapper Tupac Shakur with angel wings… holding a semi-automatic weapon in one hand and a bloody machete in the other. In a cartoon bubble above the portrait was written Rest in Peece Brave Warier.
When the police eventually arrived, the flock of taggers seemed to evaporate into the night as if sucked away by a large vacuum. Lil Wayne was then transported back to his hospital room where his stomach was pumped and a local cleaning company pressure washed his body.
Due for sentencing in early 2010 on unrelated weapons charges, Lil Wayne is expected to spend a year in prison.
