Another Obama Speech Writer Dies From Exhaustion
Washington, DC – The White House announced today that another Obama speechwriter has died from exhaustion. Anderson
Bartholomew Andersen Jr. was found lying on the floor of his Washington, DC office. District of Columbia M.E. spokesperson, David Ogden Russell, read a statement to reporters:
“Anderson Bartholomew Andersen Jr. was found by janitorial people lying beside his desk in his office. CSI members arrived within minutes of being notified and found that Mr. Andersen was indeed dead. It seems as if the cause of death is exhaustion.”
Speaking to The Daily Rash on condition of anonymity, a janitorial person from the office building said there was never a time when Mr. Andersen was not working diligently.
“He was typing at his desk at five AM when I arrived to work and typing when I left work at five PM. I’ve talked to other janitorial employees and they all confirm that Mr. Andersen was always in his office typing. When I would go in to empty his waste paper basket he would become very angry. He told me that I should focus on my own hope! Then he told me that the key to everything in life was hope! He would look up at me with wide eyes and scream FOCUS ON HOPE! and then start typing again in a very agitated manner.”
Mr. Andersen’s family has made a public statement through their attorney:
“We hope that his contribution to President Obama will at some point be acknowledged and appreciated.”
The Daily Rash spoke with Mrs. Andersen at the Washington D.C. morgue as her husband’s body approached on a conveyor belt. “My God! How many are there?” Mrs. Andersen cried as a conveyor belt filled with dead speech writers circled the room like an airport baggage claim.
An unidentified man screamed out in anguish, “THEY ARE DYING LIKE FLIES! FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, SOMEBODY STOP THIS MADNESS!!“
The man was wrestled to the ground by secret service agents, handcuffed and then abruptly led away.
The wife of a another dead speech writer came running through the room screaming hysterically, “My God! Stop torturing these men! For the love of decency, please...stop the speeches!”
Family members began chanting-
Stop the speeches!
Stop the speeches!
Stop the speeches!
The conveyor belts stopped running and a hush fell over the bereaved group.
A trumpet began to play the Star Spangled Banner. People put their hands over their hearts and began to sing along.
Vice President Joe Biden entered from the restroom areas carrying several boxes of assorted donuts. Assistants followed him pushing carts filled with coffee, chocolate milk and more donuts. After embracing many of the grief stricken family members, Vice President Biden went behind a podium his assistants had rolled in, and he began to speak.
“I know you all feel pain. The kind of pain you feel is not worthy of my consideration.” He paused, first looking towards the heavens, followed by a solemn and heartfelt look at the bereaved.
“And I am aware that you all have questions and you want answers!”
He stared intently while holding his thumb-curled fist out in front of him.
“But, I’m not here to answer your questions! And I’m not here to give you any answers!”
The Vice President nodded his head, seeming to acknowledge the confusion in the small crowd.
“I’ll be honest with you! I cannot explain what gave these brave men drifting by us on this conveyor belt the courage to do what they have done!”
The Vice President waved his arm towards the many dead speech writers.
“It’s the age old question isn’t it? And I’m not going to try and answer it tonight. But what I am going to do ….”
Vice President Biden smiled as tables were wheeled in front of him.
“…Is celebrate the lives of these remarkable heroes of The United States of America!! Hit it!”
BORN IN THE USA by Bruce Springsteen began to blast from ceiling speakers. The room filled with bunting and hundreds of balloons. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders appeared and began dancing to the music with the family members.
The Vice President returned to the podium as the music volume lowered.
“I just want to let everyone here know that on behalf of the President of the United States we are giving all of you $100 gift certificates from Starbucks, Bed Bath and Beyond…..”
The crowed began cheering in anticipation….
“And a Free Dinner for Four at AppleBees!”
The crowd went insane as Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen was cranked up!
Vice President Biden went out into the small crowd to share donuts and hot chocolate. He danced for several minutes with elderly female family members before leaving.
