Gary Coleman Claims Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts Stalked Him
Photo Gary Coleman snapped of Mick Jagger & Charlie Watts
PAYSON, UTAH – A lawyer for Gary Coleman filed stalking charges against Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts early today at the Payson County Courthouse. According to affidavits, Coleman is seeking a restraining order against Jagger and Watts. He also seeks five million dollars for pain and suffering. His lawyer made a statement after filing the charges.
“On behalf of Gary Coleman and his wife, I have filed charges today against Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts for stalking, intimidation and harassment. We are also seeking five million dollars to alleviate the pain and suffering inflicted on the Colemans.”
A spokesperson for Mr. Jagger told The Daily Rash that Mick Jagger is innocent of all charges and had planned to counter-sue until he found out that Gary Coleman is broke.
“Mick Jagger has no intention of wasting his time suing Gary Coleman because Gary Coleman not only doesn’t have any money, but we’ve found out his Sears charge card was suspended because he did not keep up payments on a microwave oven he purchased six months ago. Mick Jagger is the kind of man who would be more than happy to pay the $26.22 that Gary Coleman still owes, but Mr. Coleman would have to cease and desist his bogus claim against our client before that becomes a consideration.”
Payson Police Sgt Andy Johns spoke to The Daily Rash about the charges against Mr. Jagger.
“Gary Coleman ran into the station last week dressed as a rabbi. He said that Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts of The Rolling Stones were stalking him. We were skeptical at first, as you might imagine. He showed us a photograph he’d taken when he was hiding, disguised as a rabbi at a badminton tournament. The photo clearly shows Mr. Mick Jagger and his drummer looking for somebody. Of course at this point in the investigation, we cannot determine if that somebody was indeed Gary Coleman.”
Coleman originally moved to Payson, Utah after he read that singer/songwriter Jewel was born there. He admits he was disheartened when he found out she hadn’t lived there since she was a toddler.
Coleman outside a Sears store
In an interview with Jive magazine last year, Gary Coleman described his emotions upon arriving in Payson. “When I was told Jewel didn’t live here anymore my first response was ‘What’choo talkin’ ’bout’?’ My second response was to get really angry, and I ended up punching a sixth grade girl at the mall.”
The Daily Rash spoke on the phone with Charlie Watts earlier today. Mr. Watts, who turns sixty-nine in June, expressed how confusing the whole tale is to him.
“Mick and I brought our families to Payson to visit the birthplace of singer/songwriter Jewel. I don’t know who the small man is who is suing us, but I can assure you we never stalked him. At my age, I don’t even know if I’m capable of stalking.”
He was asked about the photograph that appears to show him and Mick Jagger looking for something or somebody, with quite somber looks on their faces.
“That photograph? Oh, that was just Mick and me looking for some change that had fallen out of our pockets. That’s all that was!” he said, laughing nervously. It then sounded as if he dropped the phone. He got back on and began dialing, not realizing that The Daily Rash was still on the line. He was breathing heavy and it sounded like he whimpered before the phone went dead.
Coleman in his late 19th century cowboy disguise
Clyde Oxley is a neighbor of Gary Coleman. He told The Daily Rash that he believes Coleman, and that he plans to testify on his behalf at the trial.
“All I know is, I’m watching the badminton tournament and I look over…and there’s Gary dressed like a rabbi! He squeezed in between the spectators and sat down beside me, telling me under his breath to call him rabbi.”
Mr. Oxley looked around him suspiciously and continued.
“He asked me if Mick Jagger was behind us. I thought ole Gary had lost it again! But when I looked back, there was Mick Jagger! I couldn’t believe it! When I told Gary that Mick was indeed behind us he panicked and began to run.”
Several people claim to have seen what appeared to be Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts chasing a small black rabbi through town. But at this writing, no new evidence has been obtained.
