Katie Couric to Undergo On-Air Pap Smear
NEW YORK – CBS anchor Katie Couric announced today that in February she will have a pap smear “live” on the CBS Evening News. She has asked the FCC for permission to show explicit graphics of the medical procedure so that people can see and experience exactly what is involved and what women must endure.
Couric made headlines in March of 2000 when she had an on-air colonoscopy. Her husband had died eight years earlier from colon cancer and Couric said that by having a colonoscopy on live television she hoped she would save lives. Then in October of 2005, Couric had an on-air mammogram, once again hoping she might save human lives.
This February Miss Couric is hoping her on-air pap smear will lift the ratings of her failing evening news program and endear her to someone who might be watching. Constantly in third place behind NBC and ABC news, CBS News is betting that graphic footage of Couric’s pap smear will garner them a first place finish in the ratings that week. Couric also hopes to help save human lives.
“We feel that many people will be very interested in watching Katie undergo a pap smear on live television. And we’re not going to pussy foot around!” Remarked CBS producer Ron Kleptomanning. “Believe you me, when folks get a glimpse of the Viewer Warning announcements we’re going to start showing next week, there won’t be any doubt that something worth seeing is coming to CBS news.”
Publicist Sally Randolf told The Daily Rash that Couric is prepared to allow the camera crew full access to the medical procedure.
“We’ve discussed this at length and Katie is determined to make this moment something that will go down in history as an act of a courageous woman, willing to sacrifice any integrity she might have left to help others. ” Randolf crossed her legs. “I was quite surprised that Katie was so forceful about giving the cameras unlimited access to the procedure. One of our producers mentioned that there were ways to insure the show could be informative and educational, while at the same time guarding Katie’s privacy. Katie threw her diet coke can against the wall and began shouting “I want it in their face!”
Randolf took a drink of water and pulled her skirt tight around her legs.
“Of course, nobody can spread news like Katie.” She choked on her water. “I mean, make news.”
An ABC source, who spoke to The Daily Rash on condition of anonymity, said that Charles Gibson timed his retirement from ABC News to precede the sensation of Couric’s pap smear.
“Gibson was already contemplating retirement when he heard about Couric’s on-air pap smear. Supposedly Gibson told a staff member that he had no plans to watch the career he worked so hard at … disappear between the legs of Katie Couric.”
NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be on vacation that week. NBC announced that Geraldo Rivera will guest host for Williams the night of Couric’s on-air pap smear. Rumors that Rivera has offered to allow himself to be water boarded one hundred and sixty two times in thirty minutes have not been verified.
A confidential, yet reliable source from ABC news said that Diane Sawyer, who replaced Charlie Gibson on World News Tonight, is attempting to get pregnant. The source said that Sawyers wants to get pregnant soon because she plans to get an abortion, on live television, the same night that Couric has her pap smear.
The source told The Daily Rash that even though Sawyers is sixty four years old, she is just as fertile as any fifty-five to fifty-eight year old woman.
“Diane is well aware of the dangers of having a child in her mid-sixties. She will speak with doctors, live on television, about the dangers and complications of a pregnancy late in life. She will fret about the decision and then conclude that an abortion is the right course of action. The very next night she will have the abortion in front of a television audience at the same time that Couric is receiving her pap smear and Geraldo Rivera is being water boarded.”
