Scott Brown Tells John Edwards to Stop Calling His Daughter
SNOW CAMP, N.C. – Staffers for Senator-elect Scott Brown confirmed today that former Senator John Edwards has been attempting to contact Mr. Brown’s oldest daughter Ayla. Sources inside the Senator’s inner circle say that Senator Brown has been very patient with John Edwards even though Mr. Edwards calls up to seventy times a day.
“He’s been calling and yesterday he somehow found Ayla’s email address. I’ve been told that he sends her an email every fifteen to twenty minutes,” remarked Debbie Frayson, a school friend of Ayla Brown.
“I don’t know how long Senator Brown’s going to be able to keep his cool. Someone told me today that John Edwards sent Ayla that photo of her Dad posing in Cosmopolitan….but Edwards had photo-shopped his own face on the photo!”
A spokesperson for Edwards said that Scott Brown is the one who opened the door to a potential courtship between his daughter and former Senator Edwards.
“Come on!” barked the spokesperson. “Is there anyone in America who did not hear Scott Brown tell the world that his daughters were available?”
Senator elect Brown mentioned his daughters Arianna and Ayla in his victory speech the evening of the election for Ted Kennedy’s vacant senate seat.
“And just in case anyone who’s watching throughout the country, they’re both available. No, no. No. Only kidding, only kidding. Arianna’s, definitely not available. But Ayla is!” Brown remarked, to laughter from his constituents and his family, including his two daughters.
Scott Brown with his daughters Ayla and Arianna
“Maybe some people thought it was a joke,” Edwards’ spokesperson said, “but John Edwards took the declaration to heart. So if anyone needs to clear things up, I believe it should be Senator Brown. Including a personal apology to Senator Edwards.”
The spokesperson dabbed his brow with a handkerchief and continued.
“After a sleepless night battling inner conflict, Mr. Edwards realized that it would be in everybody’s best interest for everything to be out in the open with his impending relationship with Ayla Brown. So he left his wife Elizabeth to pursue Ayla without deceit or mischief. John has learned from his past mistakes and has absolutely no intention of repeating them!”
Elizabeth Edwards calling a Square Dance
Recent reports indicate that John and Elizabeth Edwards have indeed separated. Brittany Rayshorwksi, a classmate of Ayla Brown spoke to The Daily Rash yesterday after basketball practice.
“You know, it was like, so out there when we heard that John Edwards was courting Ayla!” Brittany checked her phone for messages. “And that thing with the Cosmo picture of her Dad, with Edward’s head on the body was just so….God, I don’t know what it was!” She shuddered as she giggled. “I mean, like it’s a naked picture of John Edwards, but it’s really her dad’s body?” Brittany grimaced and jumped out of her chair.
“I have got to take a shower!” She picked up her basketball. “There is no way I’m going to be able to sleep tonight. No Way!”
Anonymous reports are surfacing on the Internet that say Edwards offered Ayla and her basketball teammates use of his personal basketball court at his home in North Carolina. Mrs. Edward’s publicist Gale Carnegie issued a statement to the press this morning:
“Elizabeth Edwards is a huge fan of collegiate sports. Especially for young women. But because she has already leased the indoor court to a square dancing group, she sadly must deny Senator Edward’s request to use the court to court young female college basketball players.”
The Daily Rash attempted to contact Elizabeth Edwards but was told she was at a photo shoot for People, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Vanity Fair, McCall and Readers Digest magazines.
“Mrs. Edwards is aware that people are interested in her break-up with Mr. Edwards. She is going to be busy the next several months with television appearances, photo shoots and radio interviews. Elizabeth Edwards is also considering running for office if enough people give her lots and lots of money,” said her publicist Gale Carnegie.
Rielle Hunter with the baby she bred with John Edwards
John Edwards released a statement today through his publicist:
“I have every intention of courting Ayla Brown the old fashioned way. When my Daddy was working his fingers to the bone in the mill, he told me that one day I would meet the woman of my dreams. He said that when that happens I should act like a man and ask her father for permission to see her socially. So today I am asking Scott Brown, man to man, if I can escort his fine daughter to Disney World next week. I also want to introduce her to the out of wedlock daughter I sired with Rielle Hunter. I await Mr. Brown’s response with bated breath.”
John Edwards was spotted Saturday afternoon as he was leaving a Super Cuts in Durham, N.C. The source said Edwards smiled and jumped into a waiting AMC Pacer that slowly drove away. The Daily Rash has since learned that Edwards is representing a man who slipped on a banana peel inside a building owned by Donald Trump.
