Obama Appoints Baghdad Bob as Temporary Press Secretary
WASHINGTON, DC – Senior White House officials confirmed today that the administration wants to appoint former Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Said al-Sahhaf, as temporary Press Secretary. Better known throughout the world as Baghdad Bob, Mr. Al-Sahhaf has not officially accepted the temporary position. A spokesperson for Baghdad Bob told The Daily Rash that he is holding out for a higher salary.
“Mr. Bob feels that his services warrant considerably higher sums of cash than are currently on the table. There is nobody better in the world when it comes to keeping a straight face while speaking directly into a camera and lying. He is a professional and deserves professional monetary compensation.”
A senior White House source told The Daily Rash that President Obama needs to diffuse the current wave of criticism and negativity towards himself and his administration. When asked about the future of current press secretary Robert Gibbs, the source rushed to quell any negative speculations.
“Secretary Gibbs is and always will be President Obama’s press secretary. It’s just that the present affairs of the day need to be cordoned off with a level of propaganda and misdirection that is beyond even the expertise of Mr. Gibbs. After Baghdad Bob performs his magic, Robert Gibbs will once again grace the podium in the White House to confuse and distract the press pool.”
Baghdad Bob is best known for his daily briefings in Baghdad during the start of the Iraq war. As American forces converged on the city, Baghdad Bob constantly assured the world that Iraq was winning and that Americans were being crushed. With American tanks just yards away from where he held his press conference, Baghdad Bob informed the world that Americans were committing suicide by the hundreds at the gate of the city.
Vice President Joe Biden told The Daily Rash that he thinks Baghdad Bob is just the man to turn things around for the administration.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love Robert Gibbs. I don’t care how far you search or how deep you dig, I assure you that you will not find a better human being, a more resourceful press secretary or a more dedicated democrat.” He turned the pages of his notes. “But we’re not in normal times right now. The president has dismal approval ratings. With this Massachusetts massacre we’ve had to accept the death of the health care bill, the death of cap and trade and the brutal and inhuman torturing of our dear president’s image. When it gets this bad, you gotta go to the big guns. I think Mr. Baghdad is the right person at the right time….to fight the Right!”
The Vice President then excused himself as he was late for his babysitting duties with the Obama children.
A White House insider said the administration plans to use Baghdad Bob for a month or two, or until the American people settle down a little bit.
“The administration feels that Baghdad Bob can diffuse some of that nasty sentiment out there, steering it away from the president and into that surreal void that Baghdad Bob is so masterful at. Everyday Mr. Bob will tell the American people how wonderful things are and how happy they should be. If someone asks a question about anything negative, Mr. Bob will ignore it and bring the conversation back to happiness and happy things. His first priority will be to emphasize the fulfillment everyone feels with the President.”
In 2003, as American soldiers inched closer in Iraq, Baghdad Bob escalated his message to the world:
“They’re coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks!”
“God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis!”
“There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!”
“I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have
started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We
will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly.”
“I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad!”
“They are nowhere near the airport ..they are lost in the desert…they can not read a compass…they are retarded.”
Late last week on MSNBC’s Hardball, Howard Dean told Chris Mathews that Massachusetts voters who are for the public option in the health care bill, voted for Scott Brown because they want the health care bill passed.
(Scott Brown ran against the health care bill)
On Sunday, Robert Gibbs told Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday:
“Seventy percent of the voters in Massachusetts want him (Scott Brown) to work with Democrats on health care reform….only 28 percent (of Scott Brown voters) want to stop health care reform from happening.”
A key democratic strategist spoke to The Daily Rash on condition of anonymity.
“When key Democrats tell you that people voted against their candidate who wants what they want, and voted for the republican candidate who wants to destroy what they want….it looks like Baghdad Bob might be exactly what the administration needs right now.”
Rahm Emanuel spent this past weekend at Disney World with Baghdad Bob and his family, hoping to secure a financial agreement.
