Groupies Cause Security Problems at Bill O’Reilly-Glenn Beck Show
LOS ANGELES – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck looked at each other and smiled as screams drowned out their attempts to speak at Tuesday’s Bold Fresh tour de force in Tampa. Bras and underpants sailed through the air, landing sporadically on stage as the two men attempted to calm the audience. A young woman wearing a mini-skirt and thigh-high boots ran past security, grabbing onto Bill O’Reilly. She sobbed hysterically as security carried her off stage. Glenn Beck winked at O’Reilly as women screamed “I love you Glenn!”
The Bold Fresh Tour is taking the country by storm. Fox news hosts Bill O’Reilly and Glen Beck are crisscrossing the nation in a whirlwind set of double-bill talk-fests that are selling out minutes after tickets go on sale. Phil Ayers runs the box office at the Los Angeles Coliseum where Bold Fresh has sold out a three day run this week-end.
“We had to hire extra staff to handle the deluge of phone calls!” said Mr. Ayers during his lunch break yesterday. “Anybody who is somebody is going to be here. Lord, the excitement this event is generating is palpable. We knew we were part of something special when Barbra Streisand called to reserve tickets for all three events. I told her we had two tickets in the bleachers on Sunday but that was it!”
Mr. Ayers took a bite of his organic alfalfa sandwich, washing it down with Brazilian rainwater.
“Let’s put it this way, Streisand unloaded on me!” He laughed as he motioned for workers to pick up their pace. “But what am I going to do? These tickets are gone minutes after they go on sale. Rosie O’Donnell didn’t even waste time calling! The day the tickets were on sale she was standing at the front of the line when we opened the box office.”
Carl Marks runs security for the Coliseum. He told The Daily Rash that he was forced to triple his normal security fleet.
“This place has been nuts and we haven’t even had a show yet!”
He spit orders into his walkie-talkie.
“The biggest problem is the women. Man! I have never seen so many beautiful women in my life! Just gorgeous! I have to keep cracking the whip so my crew stays focused. Years ago I worked security for a company that handled Bon Jovi, Motley Crue, all the big hair bands. This O’Reilly and Beck thing makes those days seem like amateur hour! I can’t imagine what the shows are going to be like. We’ve got chicks hiding in restroom stalls. One of our guys found a girl hiding in a garbage can!”
Heidi Fleiss was working her blackberry from a bleacher seat where she kept tabs on her girls. Having recently completed another rehab stay, Heidi said she felt invigorated with her new found sobriety and vows only to hire girls who are clean, sober and dedicated to a healthy lifestyle. “Just like Beck and O’Reilly!”
Because of overwhelming ticket sales, the Bold Fresh Tour in New York has been moved from Madison Square Garden to Shea Stadium. NY concert promoter Paul Alinski told The Daily Rash that it’s the ticket scalpers who are raking in the big bucks.
“Bold Fresh is bigger than the Beatles in ’65! We’ve heard rumors that scalpers are getting $10,000 for front row tickets! That’s insane!” He paused to sign some papers.
Gene Simmons hopes to score
“My phone hasn’t stopped ringing for a week. The VIP list alone is a veritable who’s who of A-list celebrities. Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Madonna, Alec Baldwin, Janet Jackson and RuPaul. I’ve never seen anything this big in all my years as a promoter. O’Reilly and Beck are the Beatles of the new millennium!”
Gene Simmons of KISS plans to attend a Los Angeles show. Known for unabashed tales of his own groupie experiences, Simmons told a local radio station that he might take a stab at some of the groupies O’Reilly and Beck turn away. Simmons acknowledged that the years have diminished the number and quality of groupies in his life, but he’s hoping his new cosmetic surgery and the sheer exuberance that O’Reilly and Beck instill in women might rekindle the bygone days of his rock-and-roll excesses.
Famed for her 60′s and 70′s plaster molds of famous musicians’ manhood, Cynthia the Plaster Caster has been following the Bold Fresh Tour from the start. She told The Daily Rash that she came out of retirement just for this tour.
“It started all those years ago with Jimi Hendrix and will hopefully culminate with O’Reilly and Glenn Beck. I can then say with utmost sincerity: Venimus, Vidimus, Vicimus!”
