Michelle Obama Proposes Slaughtering Obese Children
WASHINGTON – First Lady Michelle Obama spoke over the weekend at a gathering of physicians and nutritionists at a forum about childhood obesity. The First Lady wore a sleeveless garment that allowed her toned arms to mesmerize awestruck attendees. As the First Lady regaled her guests, a physically fit waitstaff in black tie served healthy hors d’oeuvres and United Nations Approved spring water. The conference was alive and festive with Brazilian guitar music and slender belly dancers. Before she took the podium, Mrs. Obama danced with Alec Baldwin and afterward, beat him in an arm wrestling contest to the great delight of many.
In January, President Obama announced that his wife was going to tackle childhood obesity in America. Mrs. Obama has since said that her passion in life is to abolish childhood obesity, that she was willing to face the hard questions that might be raised with such a delicate subject. At the time, a democratic strategist told The Daily Rash that Mrs. Obama was determined to be successful in her quest.
“There is no doubt in my mind that the First Lady has the wherewithal to fight and conquer what may be the most disgusting trend in America today…childhood obesity.”
When Mrs. Obama took the podium, she spoke eloquently about the necessity of nutrition and exercise in the lives of American children. She spoke compassionately about young people who over-eat to avoid dealing with problems. And she spoke earnestly about her resolve to implement healthy lifestyle choices in all public schools. It was when she began to speak about the morbidly obese that Mrs. Obama’s tone changed. 
“She became angry, and justifiably so!” remarked Jasper Cunningham, a dietitian who attended the White House meeting. “I don’t know how many hours a week I waste trying to convince extra large children to eat properly! It’s maddening! They don’t care what you say, they don’t care what they look like…” Jasper sighed heavily before finishing.
“Sure, slaughtering them seems harsh. But if you take the time to really think it through, it’s actually more humane to extinguish the poor souls than prolong their agony isn’t it? Let’s be honest, it’s just going to get worse, and that’s not good for anybody.”
The Daily Rash spoke with people on the streets of Chicago recently, to get their opinion of Mrs. Obama’s proposal.
“I think it’s a grand idea!” chortled Arthur Kingsdale, of Oak Park. “When I see those really fat kids, it ruins my day. Just recently we had a wonderfully pleasant sunny day and I was in a grand mood! But then I saw a really fat kid eating a cheeseburger, just standing on the street stuffing it into his mouth. My day was ruined!” Mr. Kingsdale paused. “Hell, I’m retired now, if they need somebody to pull the plug or switch or trigger…whatever, I’ll volunteer!”
Mrs. Obama applauds obesity vote
Mrs. Gary Tincher, of Evanston, IL was worried. “I am just so terrified that they’re going to kill my grandson! He’s six years old and he already weighs 237 pounds! I know that he’s way too fat and I tell his mother that, but she let’s him eat whenever and whatever he wants! All I’m saying is, it’s not his fault! If you slaughter anybody, you should slaughter his mother, not the innocent child!”
Mrs. Tincher told The Daily Rash that she would vote for the slaughter of obese children’s parents, if it would help curb childhood obesity.
“I’m fine with them slaughtering the parents. I just think it’s a bit harsh to kill children. Nothing against Mrs. Obama. I just love her!”
Ava Braun, a spokesperson for Mrs. Obama, told The Daily Rash that parents need not be afraid that their child will be slaughtered by the United States government anytime soon.
“Oh Lord!” Miss Braun shouted, almost choking with laughter. “Let me reassure all the parents out there, you don’t have anything to worry about! Even if this bill passes, it will be several years before we actually slaughter a child. There’s so much legal tape involved that it’s going to be quite some time before our first kill.”
Miss Braun puffed on her cigarette.
“You’ve got a solid two years, at least, to trim the fat off your kid. And let’s be honest, if they can’t lose the weight in two years, what would be the purpose of keeping them alive?”
Miss Braun stamped out her cigarette.
“I used to have a fat cousin growing up. It was just horrifying when I had to hang out with her. And then, after all the degradation I had to endure, she ends up committing suicide in college!” Miss Braun endured a coughing fit.
“Mrs. Obama realized what we all know deep inside. These people want to die. As a society we have a duty to allow anyone who wants to die, to die. We also have a duty to those who want to die, but aren’t aware of it. A fat child wants to die! Let’s allow the government do what we might be hesitant to do ourselves.”
