Harlequin Romance Replaces Fabio with Vladimir Putin
TORONTO, CANADA – Last week Harlequin Enterprises shocked the world of Romance novels when they announced that they were not renewing their long standing contract with Italian model Fabio. When word began to spread that Fabio was finished, the Romance novel world began to tremble. Conventions around the globe were in chaos as writers, book sellers and consumers alike feared the news might wreak havoc in the world they love and cherish. But when it was announced that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin would be replacing Fabio, the feared chaos erupted into a mass panic that set the Romance novel world on fire.
Katie Ramsey heads the Cincinnati chapter of Romance Lovers Unite (RLU) that boasts more than ten thousand members (twenty-six of them men). Cincinnati’s RLU chapter is not just respected by thousands of other Romance novel clubs around the U.S., but it is looked upon as the purveyor of etiquette that millions demand from Romance themed novels.
“I’m not going to tell you that when I heard that Fabio was being replaced by that Russian guy, that I wasn’t knocked out of my socks! I’m not going to tell you that I didn’t run into the washroom and weep hysterically. But when I saw some of his pictures, I began to calm down a bit.”
Katie sipped her diet cola and dabbed her brow.
“Now, I’m not going to give away my age, but just let me say, a half-naked fifty-something Russian on a horse can definitely twirl my whirl….if you understand my meaning!”
Katie laughed and then became bashful. She hid her eyes with her hand and then apologized.
“I’m easily flustered. Please forgive me.”
The Daily Rash spoke with several members of Cincinnati’s RLU club. The overwhelming consensus? A cautious interest in what Prime Minister Putin might do for the Romance industry.
“I read that he used to be in the KGB,” whispered Alice Rosehaugh. “You have to be sneaky and mischievous to be in that organization. I’ve read about those kinds of men. It’s very hard, if not impossible, to guess what they’re thinking!”
Alice shuffled off into the crowd of fellow Romance lovers.
“I saw the picture of him on that horse,” shared Barb Washbash, “and I wasn’t really that impressed. But when I heard that he used to be in the KGB, well, let’s just say that my curiosity was piqued.” Mrs. Washbash leaned in and whispered, “That means he stimulated my interest, so to speak. I read a lot, so my vocabulary is quite expansive…as are Mr. Putin’s biceps!”
Mrs. Washbash turned crimson red and shuffled away into the crowd of Romance lovers.
Laura Jardina told The Daily Rash that she felt pride when she saw that Vladimir Putin was the new cover model.
“I think it’s wonderful that we’ve let Russia participate in Romance. My husband has been laughing at their athletes in the Olympics and I think it’s the least we can do. You know, to put their muscular bald leader on the covers of our books, shirtless on a stallion….” Mrs. Jardina blushed and turned away.
“I like bald men. My husband was bald before he died…but he wasn’t Russian,” Peggy Russell confided.
“I’ve always had a thing for foreign men on horseback. Especially with heavy accents. I really like that a lot!” blushed Jill Cosby, before turning away.
“Russian men are kind of like those women on Star Trek. Remember those green women? My husband used to love those green women,” remarked Sandy Donaldson.
“My wife Beatrice began reading Romance novels twenty five years ago,” Greg Stanton mused, as he nibbled on a cracker and sipped wine. “I used to give her a hard time until I read one of her books. I’m not ashamed to admit that I love them as much as she does. And I salute Harlequin for having the guts to dump Fabio and get some real men! I mean, who are we kidding? Fabio? Just a pretty boy with muscles! With Putin we’re talking manhood. The real kind!”
Greg gulped his wine.
“At least we know that he’s knocked some skulls together. Probably killed a few guys with his bare hands. That’s what men do. Maybe my wife will be OK with that from now on.”
Greg reached out to shake Newt Walberg’s hand.
“I have to agree with Greg,” barked New as he swigged his drink.
“Don’t get me wrong! I’ve never read one of those books! But that Russian guy is at least believable! I was wary of Fabio when he started doing those butter commercials.” Newt ordered another scotch and lit a cigarette.
“I saw Last Tango in Paris with Brando.”
Newt puffed on his cigarette.
“So, I know what butter is used for.”
Newt grabbed Greg by the arm and pulled him into the crowd.
