Louis Farrakhan Claims His Alien UFO Abductors Were Jewish
CHICAGO - During a week of reprimanding “white Christians that pray for President Barack Obama to die,” Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan also said he’d been abducted by a space ship.
On Wednesday, after admonishing “white people that want to assassinate President Barack Obama,” Minister Louis Farrakhan rode in his limousine, accompanied by several intimidating black men in suits and sunglasses, to Walmart. Once there, they dined on Subway sandwiches and discussed Minister Farrakhan’s Fez hat. When dinner was finished, Minister Farrakhan spoke to black Walmart employees about their eventual demise at the hands of white Christians. He let several black people touch his Fez hat before he and his intimidating men in suits and sunglasses walked across the street to a 7-Eleven, where Minister Farrakhan purchased a Slurpee.
Fez hat
A former intimidating black man in a suit and sunglasses spoke to The Daily Rash, on conditions of anonymity. His conditions entailed legal documents promising never to mention his name, along with agreeing to pay his wife a large sum of money in the event of his accidental violent death.
“Minister Farrakhan really hates white people. I mean like, he really hates them!”
The former intimidating black man in a suit with sunglasses said that was all he had to say, and then ran out the back door.
Louis Farrakhan has claimed that he was abducted in the 1980′s by a vessel he described as “a huge wheel-like plane.” He said it was while on board the ship that he heard the voice of deceased former Nation of Islam leader, Elijah Muhammad. This week Minister Farrakhan revealed that he was abducted by yet another unidentified flying object (UFO).
A woman who says she was once a close confidante of Farrakhan’s, spoke to The Daily Rash on condition of anonymity.
“I know some folks who saw him get abducted that first time. They said it was a big wheel-like plane and it had a lot of lights. Some say it blew what sounded like a foghorn.”
The woman nervously lit a cigarette around the fake mustache she was wearing as a disguise.
UFO
“But what I’ve heard is… this last time he was abducted, it wasn’t the same ship. Somebody told me that this ship was shaped like a matzo ball.”
Louis Farrakhan grew up playing the violin. In his early twenties he’d begun a career as a musician and made recordings singing Calypso music under the name of “The Charmer.” After he became a member of The Nation of Islam, leader Elijah Muhammad ordered his musician disciples to stop performing music.
A former member of the group spoke with The Daily Rash, on condition of anonymity. He wore a paper grocery bag over his head and large clown shoes as a disguise.
“He ordered us to stop playing music! Farrakhan did as he was told, but I was still sneaking weekend gigs under an assumed name. I felt guilty until I found out that our Honorable Elijah Muhammad had twenty-one kids by eight different women! He was always telling us about the importance of faithfulness in marriage… and he’s got an entire harem! So I accepted a job with Sammy Davis Jr. and hit the road!”
He adjusted his grocery bag.
“I wasn’t that worried… until Sammy converted to Judaism!” 
He laughed convulsively and walked out of the room… the echoes of his large clown shoes bouncing off the walls of the hallway.
Anonymous sources inside Nation of Islam told The Daily Rash that Minister Farrakhan said his abduction this time was a harrowing experience.
“Filled with white devils and crew members who resembled Jewish actors.”
“He was forced to eat strange ethnic meals and listen to arguments about money.”
“He was probed by a man who resembled Don Rickles!”
“He said that a woman resembling Joan Rivers sat in the seat where Lt. Uhura sat on Star Trek.”
In a recent Ebony magazine interview, Minister Farrakhan briefly recalled his abduction on the Jew Ship.
“The captain was a man who looked like Judd Hirsch. There was constant bickering, so much so that Judd Hirsch kept yelling at the others to stop arguing. Then Benjamin Netanyahu took away my Fez hat, forcing a Yarmulke on my head that was much too big. He made me sing If I were a rich man with Woody Allen while Barbra Streisand took all the money from my wallet.”
After several late night visits from well dressed men wearing sunglasses, The Daily Rash decided to take the weekend off. Monday’s edition of The Daily Rash will be issued from our new facilities in an undisclosed place, really far away. A place that’s literally impossible to get to without a military clearance.
