AFGHANISTAN – Last week Chaghcharan “Cha-Cha” Mahmoud was in his backyard choosing the stones that he would use to kill his wife. The previous day Cha-Cha had been told by his brothers and several local men that his wife had smiled when she thanked the man at the fruit stand for giving her a free walnut with her purchase. After flying into a blind rage, Chaghcharan was calmed by his family and friends with tea, cigarettes, a foot massage and a delicious Clark Bar. After his wife returned from milking a goat Chaghcharan confronted her about her flirtatious behavior at the fruit stand. After admitting that she had thanked the vendor but denying that she’d smiled while doing so, Cha-Cha called her a lying slut and informed her that she would be stoned to death the following day after she made him breakfast.
But just a few minutes after Cha-Cha and his family and neighbors had begun pummeling Mrs. Mahmoud with rocks, the unbearable news that an American had burned a Koran brought the stoning to a temporary halt. As community members reacted to the Koran desecration news with hysterical sobbing and agonizing groans, Cha-Cha recognized that it was more important at that moment to kill defenseless strangers than to end the life of his promiscuous wife. As word spread that large packs of local men were headed to the city of Kandahar to butcher innocents, Cha-Cha’s son pleaded with his father to allow him to continue stoning his mother. Cha-Cha smiled and told his son that he would be expected to help maim and hopefully behead foreign humanitarian workers who had nothing to do with the burning of a Koran in America.
“We were eager to stone Mrs. Mahmoud to death but news of a Koran being burned in the United States made our blood boil,” recalled a rock wielding second cousin of Cha-Cha’s. “We drove as fast as we could to find women and children to rape and decapitate. There wasn’t time to finish the stoning when there were infidels lurking among us.”
News of the Koran burning was delivered by Afghanistan’s U.S. backed President Hamid Karzai. Upon hearing the unbearable announcement from their leader, Afghans frothing with rage scrambled to gather rocks and clubs as they ventured out to indiscriminately slaughter U.N. aid workers who’d been giving them free medical care and food.
After the men left her, a discombobulated Mrs. Mahmoud picked herself up, dusted herself off and staggered back into the dilapidated shelter she called home. Her husband had built it several years ago with the aid of a friend who’d been kind enough to help beat his sister to death. Mrs. Mahmoud knew that her husband would expect her to have beaten the dust from the rug on the floor while he was away cutting throats and before he returned to resume stoning her.
A neighbor speaking on condition of anonymity said that Mrs. Mahmoud was grateful to Koran burning Pastor Terry Jones in Florida because his actions allowed her to live a few days longer. Word is that the pastor is not aware of Mrs. Mahmoud’s gratitude but his followers are sure that he will be pleased that she was temporarily saved, even though hundreds, even thousands may have been butchered because of his actions.
After a tranquil night of rest after returning home, Cha-Cha and his son consumed the breakfast his wife had made for them and then smoked cigarettes and compared stories of bludgeoning and maiming with fellow villagers. Cha-Cha and the rest of the men waited until Mrs. Mahmoud finished washing the breakfast dishes and cleaning up before they resumed stoning her. Later in the day they beat a camel and sang songs praising Allah.
Upon hearing the news that a fatwa had been issued against him, Pastor Terry Jones retired from his ministry at the Dove World Outreach Center, changed his name to Bob and relocated to Needles, California where he and his wife invested in a Der Wienerschnitzel hotdog franchise.