LAS VEGAS – In a heartwarming goodwill gesture to millions of fans around the world, singer Celine Dion placed the placenta from the birth of her twin boys in 2010 for auction on Ebay. Dion and her husband said the money they receive for the much sought after uterus discharge will be used to build the twins an Olympic sized swimming pool and to help pay for a family trip to Disney World. Dion’s publicist told reporters that Celine is confident her afterbirth has magical healing qualities, but stopped short of guaranteeing that it could make life any easier for the new owner.
Andy Wallace of Reno, Nevada bid ten thousand dollars for the afterbirth before watching his offer quickly drown in higher bids.
“I was willing to use my entire savings for Miss Dion’s afterbirth. I wanted to give part of it to my mom for her birthday and then I was going to keep the rest in a cooler beside my nightstand. But now I’m not going to have the chance to do that. Life’s a bitch ain’t it?”
Arthur Rhodes spent two days bidding on the placenta. He’d planned on giving it to his nine year-old daughter for Christmas. When the bidding surpassed his sixty thousand dollar limit, Rhodes was forced to pull out.
“After I bid sixty grand, I was sure the afterbirth was mine. When I called my wife and told her that we were about to become the owners of Celine Dion’s placenta and fetal membranes, both of us began bawling like little babies. It was an incredible moment of bonding until somebody bid sixty-five thousand dollars. If that wasn’t bad enough, my wife had told our nine year-old daughter I was bringing home Celine Dion’s afterbirth. I was so ashamed to have to tell her that I didn’t have any placenta when I walked in the door. I can only imagine the depths of her disappointment. And now my little girl won’t look at me and she calls me the F word. It’s very painful.”
Celin Dion and her elderly husband invited reporters into the delivery room just seconds after the twins were born. Nurses fought to get through the onslaught of television cameras and microphones to clean the mother and new babies off. In her rush to be photographed, Celine was prepared to pose with the new children before they were washed, but hospital officials said it would be a health hazard. After Dion and the babies were rinsed and disinfected the flashbulbs began popping.
The next day Celine and her aging husband welcomed television crews from thirty-six countries into their home for photos and questions. At one point the new babies were discovered missing as Celine answered questions from the press. The twins were found a few minutes later on top of a cabinet in the kitchen. A cameraman for Access Hollywood said that Celine was unaware of the whereabouts of her babies until someone asked about them.
With a winning bid of $125,000, Mark Embry of Indianapolis became the envy of Celine Dion fans around the world. Mr. Embry said he’d recently inherited money after his grandmother died.
“My grandmother had recently left me $125,000 in her will. When I saw that Celine Dion was selling her afterbirth on Ebay, well, let’s just say there wasn’t any doubt where my inheritance was going.”
Mark Embry traveled to Las Vegas to retrieve the afterbirth, but he only spent a few minutes with his newly acquired celebrity placenta.
“After I held it for a few minutes, I looked at Miss Dion and said that I wanted to give her the afterbirth, as a token of my appreciation for her beautiful music all these years.”
Celine Dion happily accepted her placenta back and as a token of her appreciation she gave Embry an 8×10 autographed photo along with some tube socks and several cartons of menthol cigarettes.
After she purchased her Disney World tickets and confirmed the down payment on the new pool with her contractor, Celine Dion violently pounded her chest for several seconds before discarding her afterbirth in a trash receptacle.