Tehran – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that he’s terminated all Iranian nuclear programs and said he will travel to Israel later in the week to meet with Prime Minister Netanyahu to discuss peace. The announcement was made from an orphanage in Mashhad where Ahmadinejad spent several hours hugging children and playing tag. Several times during his statement he paused to fight back tears, smiling at the orphans as he regained his composure. When the surprising announcement went public Iranian citizens wept with joy and danced in the streets. Sources close to the diminutive president claim that it was Madonna’s spectacular Super Bowl performance that sparked the sudden change in the Iranian leader.
“Many of us saw a profound change in our president’s demeanor after he watched Madonna’s sensational Super Bowl halftime presentation,” said a man who attended Ahmadinejad’s annual Super Bowl party. “After watching the captivating, awe-inspiring performance, President Ahmadinejad politely excused himself and locked himself in another room for many minutes. When he returned to the festivities he carried with him balloons, a bag of marshmallows and a kazoo. After passing around the party favors he played a rousing rendition of Madonna’s ‘Holiday’ on his kazoo and we all danced. Then President Ahmadinejad said that he had an important phone call to make to Israel and urged us to enjoy the remainder of the America Super Bowl game.”
“President Ahmadinejad found the Super Bowl halftime performance riveting,” said another guest. “He was just so happy. There was a look in his eyes that we had never seen before, as if he were bursting with love and joy. It was a magical moment that appeared to have been generated by the extraordinary brilliance of American artist Madonna.”
Like the awestruck Iranian president, millions around the world were left stupefied by Madonna’s breathtaking performance. The bewildering parade of talent on display boggled the mind. A whirlwind of dancers and singers, jugglers, ventriloquists, tight rope walkers, dogs jumping through hoops of fire and men spinning on their heads left the world spellbound. As Madonna carefully and methodically squatted, walked down several steps, turned around in high heels and even kicked her leg, thousands of other gifted performers lurched, gyrated, jumped, bent over, walked on their hands and performed somersaults. At one point several writhing men dangled Madonna upside down by her leg as she continued to lip sync in very close time with the recorded music.
Eyewitnesses claim that although Ahmadinejad was mesmerized by the staggering array of simultaneous performances during the halftime extravaganza, Madonna’s grand finale appeared to stir something so deep in the Iranian president that he experienced what many are calling an epiphany.
Another guest said the president appeared dumbstruck during the dazzling halftime show.
“As he watched dancers and rappers gyrating with midgets as cheerleaders and Roman soldiers soared weightlessly through the air alongside a variety of performance animals, President Ahmadinejad trembled with unabashed excitement,” the guest recalled. “But it was the chill-generating WORLD PEACE message at the conclusion of the remarkable performance that rocked the dictator to his core. That’s when he changed his mind about slaughtering Jews.”
When asked about the news of Ahmadinejad’s transformation, Madonna told reporters in a Cockney accent that she is pleased that her God-given talents were able to create peace between Iran and Israel. She added that HBO will be rebroadcasting the performance on Pay-Per-View sometime this summer.