WASHINGTON – During an appearance on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews, Al Gore revealed that prior to divorcing his wife Tipper he was ordained a Catholic priest. He added that he plans to spend the rest of his life listening to confessions “before the impending global warming apocalypse kills everyone on the planet.”
A surprised Chris Matthews asked the former vice president why he chose the priesthood.
“I can’t really explain why,” Gore replied. “I guess a big part of it is that I really love wearing the priest suit and listening to people tell me their secrets. I first experienced it a few years ago in a very poor South American village. Tipper and I traveled there to convince people that they would die in ten years if they didn’t give us money to stop global warming. Since nobody in the village had a dime to spare I decided to spend the two days I had left to act out a fantasy I’d always had — to be a priest and listen to confessions.”
Mr. Gore paused and then smiled.
“I’ll tell you, after three or four confessions I was hooked. I mean, I couldn’t stop! I must have heard a hundred confessions that first day and even more the next. Tipper was so irritated that she went home early.”
When the Daily Rash contacted the Archdiocese of New York we were told that Al Gore is not a priest, that he could not be ordained by the church since he’d been married and, most importantly, he isn’t a Catholic. “The priesthood is not a whim, but a calling from God!” a church representative exclaimed before hanging up the phone.
“I told the church that I hadn’t had sex with Tipper since 1987,” Gore told Matthews. “That’s over twenty years! If there isn’t a statute of limitations on this issue, then there damn well should be. I feel vilified by the Archdiocese and feel that I am being persecuted by right wing zealots who are obviously religiously biased.”
Although he is not officially a Catholic priest, the former vice president regularly wears his black suit and white collar when he travels to third world countries to hear confessions. Although he attended Vanderbilt University Divinity School in the seventies, Gore told Chris Matthews he never intended to become a minister.
“My actions actually have nothing to do with religion. I mean, I’m not only not a Catholic, but I don’t really even know what those people believe in. I just feel I have been called, by whom I don’t know, to hear confessions and build an ark to save as many people as I can when the world is engulfed by water in ten years. I feel it in the very essence of my being. I feel it in my bones. I feel it!”
Al Gore has won an Emmy award, a Grammy award, an Academy award and the Nobel Peace Prize. Sources close to the former vice president say that he’s been humbled by the accolades and that now he “just wants to give to others.”
Mr. Gore said his ark is going to be financed with funds from anonymous democratic entertainers, artists and socialites. A portion of the ark project is going to be built by former ACORN associates, since they have a lot more time on their hands these days. A large donation has been received from Planned Parenthood. Gore told Chris Matthews that he is not using any of the estimated $100 million dollars that he has earned from his global warming initiatives.
“That would be a blatant conflict of interest,” he hissed.
On condition of secrecy, the Daily Rash recently joined Mr. Gore on an excursion to a small third world village for a three day “marathon” of confessions.
“It’s so much more gratifying to hear confessions from people who have no money and live in areas without much law enforcement. You want to talk about raw honesty?” Mr. Gore exclaimed wide eyed and jittery, seeming to be engulfed in unadulterated joy.
“I spend a few hours listening to this stuff and I get so wound up I have to take a break just to clear my head. It’s not like in Washington with the typical I had an affair or I took money from a lobbyist, crap. No, this stuff is so juicy that I have a hard time sleeping at night. I just want to get up early and hear some more.”
Mr. Gore said the fear of the world coming to an end from global warming has really had an effect on those who come to him for confession.
“After I inform them they are going to die soon from drowning or starving to death, absolutely nothing is held back. It’s truly amazing.”
The former vice president cut the interview short because he was anxious to hear more confessions. The Daily Rash obtained a flier that the Gore staff has begun handing out when visiting third world countries:
Admittance on the ark is guaranteed if one confesses honestly, openly and thoroughly.