NEW YORK – Former Vice President Al Gore issued a joint statement with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) this morning warning that unless drastic measures are taken this year to curb global warming, millions of people’s heads are going to explode. Speaking to U.N. delegates at the One World Economic Forum, Gore said the cumulative effects of drought, famine, global civil wars and eroding national monuments will spark what scientists call “homocranialcombustible” – or in layman’s terms, exploding human heads.
“The calamitous effects of global warming will soon begin making people’s heads explode,” Gore told reporters afterward. “The scientific community has yet to discover exactly how this is going to happen but make no mistake, regardless of what the deniers say, it’s going to happen unless we act.”
After the announcement Gore boarded a private helicopter that transported him to South Hampton, Long Island where he lunched with Barbra Streisand, Dan Rather and Jerry Springer. A few hours later he helicoptered back to mid-town Manhattan where he spoke with Rachel Maddow on MSNBC.
RACHEL MADDOW: I want to welcome to my show the former vice president, former senator, Nobel Peace Prize recipient, Oscar and Grammy winner and NY Times best selling author, Al Gore.
AL GORE: (touching his heart) A pleasure to be with you, Rachel.
RACHEL MADDOW: That’s a heck of a resume.
AL GORE: Oh gosh, I’m not any better than the insignificant guy on the street, Rachel.
RACHEL MADDOW: Mr. Vice President, is it true?
AL GORE: That I’m single, wealthy and available?
AL GORE: Unfortunately, Rachel, it’s true. If we don’t act immediately the world will be engulfed in exploding heads along with the expected famine, World War III and higher intensity allergy symptoms.
RACHEL MADDOW: But why are our heads going to explode, Mr. Vice President?
AL GORE: Oh, Rachel, it’s such a convoluted mixture of everything from CO2 and carbon to industrial waste and bovine flatulence. It would take me weeks to decipher the scientific theorems in a way that you might per chance be able to understand.
RACHEL MADDOW: What can I do to ensure my head won’t explode?
AL GORE: Rachel, unless we raise the trillions of dollars that’s needed to combat this deadly and horrific symptom of climate change, there’s nothing you can do.
RACHEL MADDOW: That’s just horrible, Mr. Vice President.
AL GORE: Don’t you know it.
RACHEL MADDOW: (digging around in her purse) Could I give you some money right now? To do my part?
AL GORE: (whips out a duffel bag) Of course Rachel. And I sure hope everyone on your staff can give me their money too.
(MSNBC staff members crowd around Al Gore throwing money into his duffel bag)
RACHEL MADDOW: (Into TV camera) I want everyone watching to dig deep into your wallets, look for coins in the cushions of your couch, anything. If you won’t do it to keep your own head from exploding, do it for your child, your aging parents or frightened transgenders who don’t want to die.
AL GORE: (Grimacing as he tries to squeeze the full duffel bag closed) Rachel, I want to thank you and your staff for this money and I want to remind your audience to give. (looks into camera) Because if we don’t immediately raise the money we need, your head is going to explode. I want all you parents out there to think about this: What’s it going to do to the psyche of your little child when one minute they’re sitting at the dinner table picking at their green beans, and the next minute they’re wiping the brains of their mother off their little face?
RACHEL MADDOW: (gasping) It’s just too awful to think about, President Gore.
AL GORE: (Still struggling to close overstuffed duffel bag) It sure is, Rachel.
After having lunch at a Beverly Hills restaurant with George Clooney and Oprah, President Obama spoke to reporters about the devastating climate change news as he played Go Fish with Rev. Al Sharpton on board Air Force One.
“Don’t listen to the deniers,” the president warned. “The science is settled. There is no doubt whatsoever in the minds of the world’s greatest climate change experts that human heads will begin spontaneously exploding if we don’t spend trillions of dollars to battle the horrific consequences of man made global warming.”
A reporter asked if the president was worried about his daughters.
“Oh sure. But I’m also worried about the young women out there who look like they could be my daughters.”
Speaking to seniors about the advantages of shotgun ownership at the Dark Tunnel of Eternity nursing home in West Virginia, Vice President Biden was asked about global warming induced head explosions.
“Look folks, ya’ll are the lucky ones,” Biden said. “Most of you are gonna be dead before global warming can make your head explode. But God love ya, think about your grandchildren. Even if their little heads aren’t among the first to explode, there could still be horrific consequences. What happens when they’re sitting in the classroom studying gender issues and another student’s head explodes? Do you think searing fragments of skull flying through the air like shrapnel ain’t gonna cause some gruesome damage? Even if the skull fragments don’t blind your grand kids, imagine how unattractive they’ll be for the rest of their lives. Now c’mon, get out your wallets and donate. For Christ’s sake, do it for the kids.”