Al Gore Postpones Copenhagen to Hear Tiger Woods Confess

JUNIPER ISLAND, FL – Over the weekend, Vice President Al Gore postponed a lucrative trip to Copenhagen so he might convince golf impresario Tiger Woods to confess to him. Gore told reporters that at this point in his life, a confession from Tiger Woods would be “even more important” to him than the global apocalypse he is currently milking.

“Saving millions, if not billions of people from drowning in the next ten years is so important to me. It has become my mission, if you will. It has become my purpose, my reason for breathing…and even other things too.” He sipped from his bottle United Nations Approved mineral water.

“But if I could somehow convince Tiger Woods to confess to me, well…to be honest with you, the impending doom of Mother Earth can wait a few days. I mean, in all candor, aren’t we all just standing in a long line waiting to be engulfed in the proverbial flames of the inevitable abyss?”

He paused to look at notes.

“Periodically, one must endeavor to embrace something that will provide a temporary reprieve from the horrific agony and torture the future brings. I for one happen to find my solace when I am dressed as a priest, listening to the confessions of people overwrought with guilt and shame.”

Earlier this year TheDailyRash reported that Al Gore was traveling the world dressed as a Priest and listening to confessions, mostly in impoverished third world countries from people who don’t speak English. The Daily Rash caught up with Al Gore at an AppleBee’s restaurant in Juniper Island, Florida. Over Pina Coladas and all-you-can-eat boiled shrimp, the Vice President spoke about his “fever” to get Tiger Woods to confess to him.

“I’ve heard confessions from every impoverished, malnourished third world peasant on the planet. I stopped counting how many countries I’ve been to forty countries ago. It’s a fever! This confession thing is worse than heroin! Once it gets in your blood, you gotta have it.”

The AppleBee waitress came by and Mr. Gore ordered several more platters of boiled shrimp and another round of Pina Coladas. He stopped her as she was walking away and asked if she could procure a pan of corn bread. When she said the restaurant didn’t make cornbread, Mr. Gore pulled a five dollar bill from his wallet and put it in her apron. He winked and said that he would bet she could find some corn bread.

“I have no idea where I could find corn bread. You probably better take this back.” The waitress handed Mr. Gore his five dollar bill. As she walked away, Mr. Gore put the bill back into his wallet and sighed. “Poor creature…she hasn’t a clue she’ll be dead in a few years.” He shoved more shrimp into his mouth as a waiter served more Pina Coladas.

Mr. Gore told The Daily Rash about his mission to hear Tiger Woods confess to him.

“In all honesty? Most of the time I haven’t a clue what these impoverished third world people are telling me. At first I was fine with that. When they would start to cry and writhe in guilt and shame, that was enough for me. The look in their eyes when they thought I could redeem them made it all worthwhile. Even though I didn’t understand what they said, I didn’t care! I just got off on the fact that they thought by telling me their sins, that everything would be OK. I really liked that!”

As more shrimp arrived, Mr. Gore seemed to be getting restless.

“I really need to hear the confession of somebody who speaks English!”

The Vice President shifted in his chair.

“But I’m having a problem with this whole Tiger Woods fiasco. I mean, I’m walking around dressed like a Catholic priest and I just read that he’s a freakin’ Buddhist! I don’t think they even do the confession thing. They’re into that whole meditation and acceptance stuff. Once you get somebody accepting things, you aren’t going to be able to control them.”

He slurped his Pina Colada.

“I think the problem is going to be that wife of his. She ain’t Tipper, that’s for sure! She’s more like Hillary…”

The Vice President stopped chewing and stared into space. He then grabbed his cell phone and ran out of the restaurant.

Mr. Gore left for Copenhagen before The Daily Rash could ask how the building of his ark was going.

12/09/2009

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