NASHVILLE – Former Vice President Al Gore lashed out at the Vatican this morning, calling the tradition of releasing smoke into the atmosphere during papal conclave voting “fundamentally negligent” and “grossly inappropriate.” He also questioned the morality behind using what he called the “ancient pagan ritual of carbon emissions worship” in order to advance “a religious empire built on a foundation of animal sacrifice.”
News of Gore’s papal pat down galvanized global warming groups around the nation. Orion Delaney Neijurk, a member of the Vermont activist organization, Gentle Caress Anarchy (GCA), said his group already has revolutionaries on flights to Vatican City.
“Before Mr. Gore had finished excoriating the Vatican’s deadly CO2 emissions our subversives had begun packing, chomping at the bit to protest in Rome,” he gushed. “Each time the church releases a billowing cloud of noxious smoke it accelerates the evaporation of yet another iceberg, which diminishes another polar bear’s chances of survival and adds another 12 to 18 inches of water to the impending floods Mr. Gore has predicted for Manhattan. Of course the unpleasant irony is, some of those bloated, dead bodies floating in the Big Apple will be Catholics.”
Al Gore spoke to reporters in a conference call from his limousine en-route to his private jet hanger.
“Most people are not aware that the Vatican’s toxic smoke is chemically enhanced in order to achieve its white or black color,” he educated the reporters. “In other words, every plume released is guaranteed to punch another gaping hole in our fragile ozone. Heck, why stop at smoke signals? Why not build a coal plant beside the Vatican and fire that baby up? How about herding a couple of thousand cows with intestinal issues into St. Peter’s Square and let them group-fart tons of deadly methane into our vulnerable atmosphere?”
Mr. Gore ran out of breath and then suffered through a wheezing coughing fit before he continued.
“The new pope should immediately put a halt to the church’s antiquated tradition of using environmentally damaging smoke signals. Last night I burned the proverbial midnight oil, alone in my 10,000 square foot home, brainstorming sustainable alternatives for the Vatican that embrace tolerance and diversity along with being environmentally friendly.”
“Rather than blasting the environment with toxic smoke signals, I’ve called on the Vatican to consider employing a disabled, transgendered African American to wave biodegradable flags to signal the important results of papal conclave voting. Just think of the powerful message of inclusion that would send to the world. This morning I instructed my people to send an email detailing my idea to Pope Francis’ people, along with my heartfelt congratulations on his colossal victory in the battle for the ring of power. It’s refreshing when the spoils are heaped upon the person with the most popular votes.”
The Vatican has yet to respond to Al Gore’s suggestions.