YEMEN – In an apparent attempt to escalate worldwide interest in the holy war against infidels, Inspire, al Qaeda’s Internet propaganda magazine, published its first swimsuit issue this week. In a teleconference call from an unknown location in Yemen, a spokesperson for the magazine, someone who called himself Larry, told reporters that Inspire’s swimsuit issue had created such a buzz with jihadists around the globe that the website crashed several times from the overwhelming number of visitors.
“We’ve been swamped with thousands of emails from militants around the world,” Larry gushed. “Men in caves with Internet access are going crazy looking at our swimsuit models. In just a few days we’ve already received enough donations to purchase ad space on the Huffington Post. It’s a very exciting time. There’s a feeling in the air of impending bloodshed and carnage. It’s beautiful. Praise Allah.”
“We have no doubt our swimsuit issue will succeed in attracting new recruits, young and old, chomping at the bit to slaughter non-believing women and children around the world. Nothing stimulates a man to maim and kill like the allure of a beautiful woman. Our magazine’s readers are very excited to gaze at our lovely swimsuit models in-between enjoying articles on decapitation and disemboweling techniques. And our upcoming pocket sized swimsuit calender will help to arouse a jihadists’ cravings before annihilating a busload of school children or beheading elderly nursing home residents.”
The star of Inspire’s swimsuit issue is a woman who goes by the name Crimson Rainbow. Inspire writes that she’s the sister of a jihadist who lives in a cave in the mountains of Afghanistan. The stunning model says she took her name from a story her father read to her as a child about a girl named Crimson Rainbow who honored her family by blowing herself up on a Carnival Cruise ship, spraying the severed limbs of the slaughtered non-believing passengers into the ocean. Crimson’s stunning beauty has already garnered offers from top modeling agencies around the world. And according to her publicist, Charlie Sheen has been sending Crimson late night text messages of a romantic nature.
The popularity of Inspire’s racy photographs has sparked concern from feminists in the United States. Women’s right’s activist and recent California state senate candidate, Sandra Fluke, lashed out at the magazine this morning at a rally against white male privilege in the parking lot of a Santa Monica grocery store.
“I want to send a message out to my Muslim sisters,” Fluke shouted to demonstrators. “Are you going to allow the very same men who deny you access to birth control treat you like a piece of raw meat on their magazine covers? You tell your jihadist it’s a two way street, fella. If you wanna crawl on my body like a maggot on a piece of tainted meat, you better provide me free birth control, abortions and equal pay in the boardroom. Only then will shenanigans be a possible consideration in the bedroom.”
“Oh gosh, to be that young and pretty with your whole life in front of you, it’s just so exciting isn’t it?” Pelosi told host, Al Sharpton. “I’m just so happy to see my Muslim sisters feeling good about themselves and their bodies. To imagine what their faces look like brings me a spark of hope. Because I imagine them smiling. I imagine a sparkle in their eyes. I imagine them happy. Just like the refugee, baby Jesus.”