NEW YORK – In a move to build on its reputation for diversity and equality, MSNBC placed civil rights activist and opportunist Al Sharpton at the helm of his own news show in 2011. In a surprising moment of candor last month, MSNBC president Phil Griffin confirmed that the African American host of PoliticsNation at 6 pm is indeed illiterate.
“We are proud to have, not just an illiterate, but an illiterate black man,” Griffin said in a teleconference with reporters. “What other network can claim a distinction of that caliber? The only way we could top that is if he were also a Muslim quadriplegic who’d been date raped at an Ivy League school.”
During his appearance yesterday on the Maury Povich Show, Reverend Sharpton shared his feelings about his position at MSNBC.
MAURY POVICH: Reverend Sharpton, how’s it feel to be a big time newscaster?
AL SHARPTON: In all actuality and in all seriousness, I’m not a newscaster as much as I’m a news commentator. But there are those in the Republican party that would not have it that way, Maury.
AL SHARPTON: Generals don’t like it either. Hell, a military general at a Tea Party said that African Americans shouldn’t be able to vote!
MAURY POVICH: What??
AL SHARPTON: That’s America, Maury. Generals are comfortable enspousing racist commitments at public gatherings.
MAURY POVICH: Well you tell us his name right now and we’ll expose him on national television, Reverend.
AL SHARPTON: And guess what else?
MAURY POVICH: What?
AL SHARPTON: One day, right outside my office, a white man exposed himself to a woman of color.
MAURY POVICH: Oh Lord.
AL SHARPTON: When I called the police they said because I was in a black neighborhood they were going to take their time getting there, if they came at all. Then the white cop cussed me.
MAURY POVICH: Let’s get back to that general, Reverend.
AL SHARPTON: The general welfare of African Americans is being pulled out from under them like a tattered rug. I’m very disappointed that it took so long for a black man to be in my position.
MAURY POVICH: Your position?
AL SHARPTON: I mean the position of refusing to be used to endorse corporate welfare policies in the age of Aquarius. I mean that I will not and I do not adhere to principles that have nothing to do with me or mine or even yours, Maury.
MAURY POVICH: I’m told you’re able to read some of the words on your teleprompter. So you aren’t completely illiterate?
MAURY POVICH: Not illegitimate, illiterate.
AL SHARPTON: Do I look like I’m wearing a diaper? (Looking down) I don’t see any diaper.
MAURY POVICH: (sighing heavily) Illiterate, not incontinent.
AL SHARPTON: It’s just like Obama’s birth certificate. I will not heed to Tea Party bigots accusing me of being legitimate. Not only did I have a father, but he even lived with us for a while. How can I be legitimate if my daddy lived with me?
MAURY POVICH: Many people are probably not aware that you were ordained a pentecostal minister when you were ten.
AL SHARPTON: Yes I was. But I wonder if that could happen in today’s society? Just last week I professionally witnessed a rich white man clubbing a poor black child on Park Avenue.
MAURY POVICH: Oh no!
AL SHARPTON: It happens all the time. When a rich white man clubs a poor black child nobody cares, but when a black man clubs a white child it’s front page news.
MAURY POVICH: That’s shocking.
AL SHARPTON: It’s abomable! That’s why I’m takin’ it to the streets to stop the laissez-faire maladjustments.
AL SHARPTON: Sure I’m going to march. I march all the time! Maybe I’ll have a march tomorrow. Maybe I’ll have two marches tomorrow to keep the unenfranchised from sitting in the back of the bus.
MAURY POVICH: People are being forced to sit in the back of the bus?
AL SHARPTON: You better believe it. The other day an African American woman of color told me she was forced against her will to sit in the back of a bus. I assured her I would be marching soon. A lot sooner than others are going to, I guarantee you that.
MAURY POVICH: You gave your first sermon at the age of four and were ordained at the age of ten. You’ve been a tour manager for James Brown, an FBI informant, Tawana Brawley hoax master, anti-Semite, you’ve even instigated riots that ended in death. And on top of all of that you owe the IRS millions.
AL SHARPTON: The IRS would like for me to owe them money. They love to take money from black people and give it to the rich white people of the privileged.
MAURY POVICH: You’ve said you will be compared to Martin Luther King.
MAURY POVICH: You used to be a fat, unkempt slob in a sweatsuit, now look at you – a svelte Dapper Dan in Armani. Would you say you’ve matured after the decades of manipulation and deception.
AL SHARPTON: Decreption?! I moved a big couch across the room last week all by myself! How’s that for decreption?
MAURY POVICH: Deception, not decrepit. You’ve manipulated and deceived people for years.
AL SHARPTON: Thank you.
MAURY POVICH: OK, I think that wraps it up. Thank you for joining us today Reverend Al Sharpton.
AL SHARPTON: The Tea Party is losing steam, Maury. People need to refuse to acknowledge their malfeasance and ways and means. I’ll march! You know I’ll march, Maury!
MAURY POVICH: Of course you will, Reverend.