VATICAN CITY – In a somewhat startling turn of events today, Reverend Al Sharpton managed to obtain approval from the Vatican to interview Pope Francis for PoliticsNation, the news show he hosts on MSNBC. Mr. Sharpton spoke with the new pope for several minutes inside the Papal Palace. Following is a transcript of their conversation:
AL SHARPTON: Welcome to my news show on MSNBC where I host, Mr. Pope.
POPE FRANCIS: Thank you, sir.
AL SHARPTON: You may call me Reverend.
POPE: Oh, you are a servant of the Lord?
AL SHARPTON: No defense, Mr. Pope, but in America it’s not polite to call an African American a servant.
POPE: People from all over the world serve Jesus Christ, my son.
AL SHARPTON: Well I can assure you, African Americans are paid a lot less for it than everyone else.
POPE: I see.
AL SHARPTON: As is the habit of popes down through the millenials, you were betoken to pick a new name to go with your erection. You chose yours from Saint Francis the Sissy.
POPE: Yes, I chose the name Francis in honor of St. Francis of Assisi.
AL SHARPTON: Is it true he was a fry cook?
POPE: I don’t know about that. He did found the Order of Friars Minor, more often called the Franciscans.
AL SHARPTON: Today it’s called San Francisco, the capital of California.
POPE: (Nods in a kindly manner)
AL SHARPTON: My producers tell me you have an open spine for gay marriage.
POPE: I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.
AL SHARPTON: Is it not true that when you played for the Argentine Cardinals you supported civilian unions?
POPE: As a Cardinal I recommended the church respect Argentina’s civil union laws, but I do not support gay marriage.
AL SHARPTON: Many in today’s modern world say gay rights are the civil rights issue of our time. Do you believe gay rights are more important than the rights of African Americans?
POPE: There are many gay African Americans are there not?
AL SHARPTON: There could be. Are you imprying that a gay African American’s rights trumpet the rights of normal African Americans?
POPE: Jesus teaches us that everyone is a child of God. I do not doubt you are aware of this since you are a Reverend.
AL SHARPTON: Well, I don’t really know much about that. I mainly got in the business for the cash.
POPE: I see.
POPE: It’s a tremendous honor to be chosen and I pray for the wisdom to understand and carry out God’s will for me.
AL SHARPTON: I’ll bet the other nominees are pretty pissed off, huh? Once you get a whiff of that cushion on the seat of power it’s like a drug, you gotta have more. I smelled it with my own nose when I was a presdinential canondate.
POPE: You were a candidate for president of the United States?
AL SHARPTON: Yup, sure was.
POPE: Oh my.
AL SHARPTON: You have announced that for the Holy Tuesday Massacre you will give a sermon at a prison where you plan to wash and kiss the feet of 12 jailhouse ingrates.
POPE: Yes, I will celebrate the Holy Thursday Mass at the juvenile detention center at Casal del Marmo.
AL SHARPTON: Just to give you a heads up, Pope, kissing prisoners and massaging their feet in the showers might be sending the wrong kind of message.
POPE: Washing of the feet is to commemorate Jesus’ gesture of humility towards his apostles on the night before he died.
AL SHARPTON: I know from personalized experiences about the humidity in prison showers. And with a name like Francis you’re only asking for trouble. Just don’t be bending over to pick up any soap, if you know what I’m sayin’.
AL SHARPTON: We have time for the final question at the end of my interview. Do you predicate a time when the paper concave will nominate a transgender to be the King of the Popes?
POPE: If it be God’s will, my son.
AL SHARPTON: That’s a pretty good answer, Pope. On behalf of African Americans and MSNBC where I host my own news show, I thank you for guesting and taking the hard questions. And don’t forget to like me on my Facebook page.
POPE FRANCIS: You will be in my prayers, Reverend.
AL SHARPTON: (looks into camera) This is African American news anchor with his own show on MSNBC, Reverend Al Sharpton, saying goodnight from inside the Vatigan where I just interviewed a pope.