WASHINGTON – This afternoon top administration officials and celebrities joined President and Mrs. Obama in welcoming America’s first transgender baby to the White House. Eleven-month-old Hillary Rodham Carter is the youngest transgender to meet officially with a U.S. president. The president hosted a gender-neutral luncheon for the adorable transgender tot and its parents with an array of celebrity guests that included rapper Pitbull, 97-year-old actor Kirk Douglas, Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski and Barbra Streisand.
Until a few weeks ago, Hillary Carter was William Jefferson “Billy” Carter, a strikingly handsome little boy with a passion for colorful clothing, expensive skin and haircare products and an insatiable penchant for Mediterranean seafood dishes. But Hillary’s parents say their daughter was susceptible to pangs of discontent and irritability living as a boy.
“Billy wasn’t happy,” his dad lamented. “When I tried to get him to watch sports with me or even throw a ball back and forth, he never showed the slightest bit of interest. He just let the ball bounce off his head,” he laughed. “When I realized he was the only boy in the neighborhood who watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I put two and two together.”
Chloe and Connor Carter said that over time they became concerned their son may not like himself.
“When Billy was about six-months old we noticed he would sometimes cry when he looked down towards his penis. At first we laughed about it,” Chloe smiled, “We even joked that our baby was worried his penis would be really tiny like his father’s. But his crying spells became more frequent so we took him to a child psychologist. When the doctor showed him photos of a variety of penises and Billy reacted the same way to large penises as he did with his own, we knew it wasn’t size he was concerned with.”
“After a litany of tests the doctor concluded that Billy was angry he’d been born a boy,” Mr. Carter sighed. “So we decided it was in his best interests to allow the woman in him to flourish, unencumbered by society’s cookie-cutter rules and antiquated prejudices.”
“Studies I’ve conducted have demonstrated babies have an innate understanding of the world even before they can talk. Their natural instincts are vibrantly perceptive before being dulled and stymied by the bigotry and intolerance of society. There’s no doubt in my mind that little Billy became aware of his white male privilege and, frankly, it repulsed him. Is it any wonder that, in an effort to escape from living as a white male after the horrors of white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, he’s chosen to live as a woman?”
At the luncheon President Obama said a few words before proposing a toast to little Hillary.
“Is it irony that only days after the passing of Nelson Mandela we gather to break bread with a young woman at the beginning of her daunting battle to make the world a better place?” President Obama gazed lovingly at the tiny baby. “Might this precious, courageous little transgender be the next Nelson Mandela or Barack Obama?”
President Obama paused a moment to compose himself.
“I feel I’m in the presence of a remarkable human being … and today I’m not talking about myself,” the president smiled. “I’m referring to a plucky little warrior called Hillary. The courage of this young child is breathtaking. To stand up for who you are isn’t easy in today’s toxic environment of intolerance and bigotry. Fortunately our little friend has a new ally. Since the odds are favorable that Hillary’s parents, like so many other Americans, will be chronically unemployed for the rest of their lives, the Affordable Care Act will allow this tiny transgender to one day have all her surgeries and psychiatric care paid for by the American tax payer.”
After toasting the transgender toddler, celebrities and dignitaries began dancing when ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ was played over loudspeakers.
“Back when I was a single, randy young lad I bumped into my fair share of Trannys behind bus stations after nights of heavy drinking. That was back in the day when we called ’em chicks with dicks,” he said, winking. “Of course, today that’s considered a disparaging term and rightly so. But I’ll tell ya, as long as you were careful not to rummage around south of their waistline, you’d never guess those sexy gals were guys.” Biden winked at a reporter. “Fortunately, thanks to the Affordable Care Act, the little tike we honored today won’t end up on her knees in dark alleys, workin’ to earn $5 or $10 in an effort to save enough scratch to pay the exorbitant costs of having her thing cut off.”