LOS ANGELES – Is it a crime if your vagina doesn’t shine? For tens of thousands of women around the country, shining their vaginas with mayonnaise could very well become as important as facial peels, hot oil hair treatments and pedicures. Standing outside a supermarket where she’d just purchased a large container of Hellmann’s mayonnaise, twenty-six year old San Fernando Valley resident Brittany Russell summed it up for the Daily Rash:
“If you aren’t willing to buff the muff, then you just aren’t taking care of your stuff!”
What began last week as an effort on the part of Reality TV star Khloe Kardashian to educate the public on the social networking service Twitter has mushroomed over night into a boon for mayonnaise producers around the country. Hellmann’s, Best Foods and Kraft brand mayonnaise all report a dramatic rise in sales this past week.
“We’ve always had healthy sales with our mayonnaise products,” offered Kraft spokesperson Lamont Tillman, “but because of the Kardashians, this past week our sales in New Jersey alone went through the roof! We’ve had to bump up production to seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day and we’re hiring additional help. So not only are we contributing to a nation of shiny vaginas, but we’re also helping the economy.”
America’s blossoming bounty of mayonnaise laden vaginas is the direct result of a Twitter conversation between television superstars Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian. They recently explained “vagina shining” on the Conan O’Brien Show.
Kourtney Kardashian chimed in:
“I wrote to Khloe on Twitter, I found your sex mask under my bed that you’ve been looking for, and then she wrote back, Oh my God, I found your jar of mayonnaise that you use on your vagina! and then our fans wrote us asking why we put mayonnaise on our vaginas and I told them, because it makes your vagina shine like the top of the Chrysler building!”
Disturbing news reports began pouring in from around the nation.
“Hell, all I can say is, when I walked in on my wife coating her you know what with mayonnaise, I didn’t know what to say. So I went to the strip club and got really drunk,” slurred Kent Norrad of Rutherford, NJ.
“When my wife and I returned from our regular Tuesday night bowling, we found our college aged daughter in the kitchen rubbing globs of mayonnaise on her private part. I didn’t know what to do, so I went to my brother’s house and got drunk,” hiccuped Jerry Drysdale of Sherman Oaks, CA.
When Marv and Coco Cohen of Miami, Florida walked in on Coco’s eighty-nine year old mother lathering her vagina with low fat mayonnaise and singing “let it shine, let it shine!,” Coco said Marv just vanished.
“I haven’t seen him since we walked in on Mom while she was….well, you know. I hope he comes home soon.”
Friends found Marv staying at a Motel 6 behind a liquor store on the outskirts of town.
“Marv just sits in front of the TV drinking scotch. He only leaves the room when he needs another bottle. He said if he doesn’t drink, he’s afraid he’ll go insane.”
It was reported this week that Kim Kardashian earned 6 million dollars in 2010 by promoting everything from prepaid credit cards to Kotex. Kim reprimanded her sisters on the Conan O’Brien show, telling them that they shouldn’t Twitter about shining their vaginas with mayonnaise because many of their fans are children. Nude photos of Kim along with her 2007 homemade sex video is readily accessible on the Internet and in pornography stores.
The Kardashians became famous on their Reality TV series, Keeping up with the Kardashians. Their father Robert Kardashian was best friends with murderer and career criminal OJ Simpson. Their step-father is former Olympic decathlon champion Bruce Jenner. After winning a gold medal in the 1976 Summer Olympics, Jenner went on to endorse cereal and pursue an acting career that never took off. Since the mid-eighties Bruce Jenner has been addicted to cosmetic surgery and “high school track-star” hairpieces. Kardashian mother Kris Jenner married Bruce after her divorce from Robert Kardashian. Unlike her brilliantly gifted daughters and husband, Kris Jenner has no discernible talent.
Camille Kirkpatrick is a single mother of two teenage daughters from Seattle. She spoke with The Daily Rash outside a supermarket after she’d purchased several large containers of mayonnaise.
“My daughters and I are going to start shining our vaginas like those Kardashian girls do. Look how they live! They spend all day shopping and having lunch and posing for pictures, and at night they have sex with professional athletes. I clear $411 a week working at a car rental company….I mean, what do I have to lose? Plus, mayonnaise is a lot cheaper than braces, let me tell you!”