WASHINGTON – Just hours after his campaign manager resigned Monday afternoon, New York City mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner released a controversial campaign ad that has television station managers up in arms, unsure whether airing the 60 second spot violates FCC regulations on decency. Sources from several TV stations say the campaign commercial begins with a shirtless Anthony Weiner sitting on a couch in his living room where he appears to be masturbating. Although the video only captures Weiner from the chest up, those who’ve viewed it say his body language leaves little doubt of the nature of his activity.
“It’s pretty wild stuff,” said one news editor. “Because of the camera angle the viewer is unable to see anything other than Weiner’s bicep contracting and his torso twitching and shaking. His head is back, his eyes are closed and his face is contorted. If he isn’t masturbating I can’t imagine what might induce his face to clench up so abhorrently.”
Hovering over the salacious image is the voice of Huma Abedin extolling the remarkable changes she’s seen in her husband.
“Like so many other couples, our marriage has had its ups and downs. But after a lot of work and a whole lot of therapy, I made the decision to stay with my husband. Anthony made some terrible mistakes, both before he resigned from Congress and after, but he’s completely healed now and I can honestly say that our marriage is like a fairy tale.”
The commercial then cuts to a shot of Anthony Weiner standing with his back to the camera beside a dumpster in a sunlit alley. As Huma continues to praise her husband’s remarkable fortitude, Anthony Weiner hunches beside the dumpster flailing his arm for several seconds with mechanical, rapid fire motions. Suddenly his head snaps back and his body convulses before he falls against the dumpster, gasping for breath.
“I’m so proud of the progress Anthony has made in such a short period of time. His doctors say the swiftness of his recovery is remarkable. One thing about Anthony, when he makes up his mind to accomplish something, he gets it done.”
An assortment of Anthony Weiner video clips are then played to the beat of “Taking Care of Business” by Bachman Turner Overdrive. One shows an outdoor portable restroom rocking violently back and forth for several seconds before a disheveled Anthony Weiner emerges, wiping off his hand with a towel. Another shows Weiner hurriedly ducking behind some bushes outside a Burger King restaurant. The bushes comically appear to shake in time to the music for several seconds before Weiner emerges wide-eyed and red-faced, zipping up his pants before shaking hands with supporters in the parking lot.
“My husband has faced his past indiscretions with courage and conviction. His fervent desire to eject his demons is insatiable.”
Near the end of the commercial a wild-eyed Anthony Weiner sits on his living room couch with his back arched, emitting a guttural howl as his wife pledges that her husband has triumphed over his destructive impulses:
“I want to assure the good people of New York City that after much concerted effort and determination, Anthony has conquered his compulsion to utilize his cell phone when he masturbates. His ravenous appetite for pleasuring himself every few hours is no longer threatened by a sick and twisted hunger to share his experience with young strangers on the phone. That’s wonderful news for our family, and I’m confident the citizens of New York will forgive Anthony Weiner and support him as he masturbates his way to the mayor’s office.”
At the end of the campaign ad Anthony Weiner winks into the camera and smiles:
“I’m Anthony Weiner and I approve this message.”