NEW YORK – In a stunning turn of events earlier today, an enervated Anthony Wiener told reporters that he sent obscene photographs of himself to young women around the country because Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told him to. During a statement overwrought with emotion and despair, Wiener claimed that Sheen’s hairpiece also told him to lie about his Twitter account being hacked, to curse reporters who asked him questions and to steal his neighbor’s rake. When Wiener’s cell phone rang he looked at the phone, held it up in the air and told reporters that the call was from Sheen’s hairpiece.
“This call I just received is from Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece,” the congressman shouted. “It won’t say anything because I’ve drawn attention to it. But I assure you, if I were alone right now the hairpiece would be giving me instructions to do things that are illegal, immoral, unconscionable and gross. You now have irrefutable proof of my innocence in everything.”
After the congressman’s press conference his publicist explained the fiendish cunning of Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece.
“The hairpiece is very clever. It knows that few people would believe that a wig could convince a man to do things that are against his nature. I know that before I met the hairpiece I would have said it was insane to think a celebrity’s wig could force a man to do things against his will. But I know better now.”
A member of Wiener’s staff told The Daily Rash that the congressman was introduced to the hairpiece at Charlie Sheen’s Radio City Music Hall appearance in New York City.
“Congressman Wiener went backstage after the show and partied with Charlie Sheen and several hookers for half an hour or so before all of them jumped into a limo and went to an after hours club in the meat packing district. Later in the evening the congressman asked Charlie Sheen if he could try on his wig. I’d read accounts of the devious high-jinx of that thing and I wasn’t comfortable with the congressman putting it on his head. When Charlie Sheen handed the hairpiece to Congressman Wiener I became quite distressed.”
“When that political guy put Charlie’s wig on his head I knew things were going to get weird. Every prostitute Charlie’s been with has a hairpiece horror story. I refuse to be with Charlie with the lights out. The last time that happened I woke up and that hairpiece was on my leg like a leech. It kept telling me to hit Charlie in the head with a skillet. It had attached itself to me with a grip so strong that I had to use both hands to rip it off!”
A bouncer at the after hours club saw Congressman Wiener in the men’s room.
“I walked into the bathroom and that Wiener guy was in front of a mirror with Charlie Sheen’s wig on his head. He was really irritated and yelling at the wig because it was making fun of him for waxing his chest. Each time Wiener denied waxing his chest the wig would taunt him by calling him a ‘fruitcake.’ Wiener was so mad that he began hitting the wig with his fist, seemingly unaware that he was punching himself in the skull. The harder he punched the louder the hairpiece laughed. It got pretty ugly. I was baffled that he kept punching himself in the head rather than just taking the wig off!”
Since his rendezvous with Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece, Congressman Wiener told friends and neighbors that he’d stolen candy from Rite Aid stores, made prank phone calls to a psychiatric hospital and one time he purposely tripped an elderly woman on a subway platform. A staff member told The Daily Rash that last week she walked into Congressman Wiener’s office and he’d wrapped his face and head in aluminum foil.
“He just sat there for several hours with his head in a big ball of aluminum foil. When I asked him if he needed me to do anything he shook his big aluminum head no and waved his hand for me to go. That was the day after the congressman hung out with Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece.”
Last year The Daily Rash reported that Oregon’s infamous Moss Man claimed that Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece drove him insane. Then pornography actress Capri Anderson made news after she blamed the hairpiece for all of Charlie’s troubles. Today many people are asking themselves, is it possible that Congressman Wiener’s actions were choreographed by a conniving, mischievous hairpiece?