PHOENIX, ARIZONA – Phoenix Police Chief Jack Harris confirmed today that Phoenix police officers have detained international singing sensation, Shakira. Sheriff Deputies pulled over Shakira’s limousine en route to Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. Witnesses say that Shakira was shocked when the police politely asked her to remove herself from the limousine and produce documents proving that she was in the United States legally.
When it became apparent that Miss Shakira did not have the requested documents, SWAT team members surrounded her limousine to secure the area and prevent any possibility of terrorist activity. Miss Shakira was pepper sprayed, violently taken to the ground and handcuffed, and then brutally thrown into the back of an unmarked police vehicle. As the vehicle sped away, Miss Shakira was read her rights and, for security purposes, pepper sprayed yet again, and then tasered.
Reverend Al Sharpton declared today “Shakira Day” and will announce plans tomorrow to travel to Phoenix and protest the arrest, detainment and possible torture of international superstar Shakira.
“Make no mistake, we have no intentions of doing nothing! But we have every intention of doing something!” Sharpton announced from the steps of a synagogue in Harlem.
Linda Ronstadt made a heartfelt plea to Americans sympathetic to the plight of the undocumented immigrant. Standing on a milk crate in the parking lot of a Tucson area Crate and Barrel, Ronstadt held back tears and pleaded with shoppers and passersby.
“I am pleading with all of you to give money and do your part to help your brown neighbors. I’m also here to let you know that for a limited time you can buy my new CD, Linda Ronstadt Sings Lithuanian Folk Songs, at half price, right here inside Crate and Barrel.”
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez was enjoying an outdoor cocktail with Sean Penn and Danny Glover when he heard the news. Sources close to the president confirm that he was quite upset.
The president of Columbia, (birthplace of Shakira) Álvaro Uribe, issued a statement that he was very sad about Shakira’s detainment. Colombian presidential candidate, Antanas Mockus, followed with a statement of his own declaring that he was even more sad than President Uribe.
Shakira was in Phoenix to meet with Mayor Phil Gordon, Police Chief Harris, victims of domestic violence and to promote her new fragrance, Oral Fixation. She gave several speeches and many times came close to tears as she spoke about Arizona’s impending Police State. She told Dr. Sanja Gupta on CNN that even she could be a victim of Arizona’s new law:
“…for example, I could be detained and arrested and taken away because I don’t even have my driver’s license here. I’m completely undocumented here,” Shakira said.
It was at that point that Arizona police began to mobilize. Officer Miguel Santiago spoke to The Daily Rash when his shift ended on Sunday morning.
“When she told the world that she did not have any documents to prove that she was in Arizona legally, we moved in! I didn’t get to participate in pulling over her limousine, but I did get to escort the unmarked car they transported her in to its undisclosed location.”
A Phoenix Police insider told The Daily Rash that Shakira has been waterboarded several times and that the police will not hesitate to use other enhanced interrogation methods to break her will.
“Until somebody shows up with documentation that proves she’s legal, how do we know who she really is? Until then, she will be treated as an enemy combatant.”
Shakira’s publicist, Gayle Carnegie, said that Shakira was on her way to New York to fight the recent assault charges against Naomi Campbell. Later in the week she is scheduled to speak with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad about Iran’s nuclear intentions. The following week Shakira is expected to meet with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in hopes of brokering a peace treaty.
“Shakira has a two-hundred city world tour scheduled in the fall,” Carnegie told The Daily Rash, “after which she will spend three days in Calcutta reading The Secret to lepers. She will then travel to West Africa in order to educate Warlords on the benefits of practicing safe sex.”
Arizona authorities have assured Shakira fans that when her documents arrive, she will be released without prejudice.