Al Gore told MSNBC’s Chris Matthews that prior to divorcing his wife Tipper, he was ordained a Catholic priest. He said that he plans to spend the rest of his life “listening to confessions before the impending global warming apocalypse kills everyone on the planet.” When Matthews asked him why he chose the priesthood,...
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Miami Beach – Kanye West told reporters on Saturday that he is wearing his pants at “haf mas” (half mast) to punish himself for his all of his mistakes. He apologized to confused bystanders, telling them that he would never again shame himself, his Mother, the USA or the world. “I have shamed, not...
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President Barack Obama called a high level security meeting with CIA and FBI officials yesterday to discuss assassinating Osama bin Laden. Though the meeting itself is not unusual, the fine points of the discussion (which have just been leaked by an anonymous source) are quite intriguing. The administration has revealed that Serena Williams is...
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Baghdad – An Iraqi parliament spokesperson, Ali Chaliphonific Achlac Mesopotamian-Nightmare, was interrupted mid-way through an anti-smoking speech yesterday when an explosion half a block away sent a human leg flying just inches above his head. Mr. Nightmare was in the middle of a passionate speech regarding the implementation of strict new anti-smoking laws in...
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In a small southern town that has no black inhabitants Reverend Jesse Jackson spoke out against black people today at the grand opening of a brand new Staples store. Talking to a group of reporters in the Staples parking lot, Jackson accused black Americans of playing the victim card and scolded them for not...
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NEW YORK- Lincoln Center concert goers were shocked Tuesday night when Alec Baldwin climbed onto the stage and started berating a violinist for being a “neo-con.” Mr. Baldwin sat in the conductor’s chair in the middle of Bach’s concerto in D minor and began to harangue the surprised musician for voting Republican in the...
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LOS ANGELES – Employees and shoppers at a popular mall in Westwood yesterday were stunned when they heard that Ryan O’Neal was spotted in a jewelry store buying a diamond ring. The buzz began to grow and shoppers began to look for the confused ex-actor, ex-drug addict, ex-cancer victim, ex-criminal, ex-partner of the late...
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NEW YORK – An onlooker with a cell phone captured what appears to be Al Sharpton looking on… as Al Sharpton talked to poor people in New York about rising up against the man. It appears in the photograph that there are two Al Sharptons. When asked afterwards about the oddity, Mr. Sharpton said...
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While traveling thru western Peoria last weekend, I stopped for coffee and apple pie at a truck stop. It was a very busy day in the restaurant, so to save time I agreed to share a table with a fine family from Wisconsin. They were going to see their Grandmother in Kentucky who was...
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Phil Spector, the legendary music producer who is doing nineteen to life for murdering his girlfriend, apparently is not afraid of being in prison or of Charles Manson. Earlier in the week, the AP printed a story about Spector that said he’d written letters to his wife about being afraid in the prison and...
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