Daily Rash


John Travolta Urinates Outside at Disney World

ORLANDO, FLORIDA – A Disney World spokesperson announced this afternoon that actor John Travolta was asked to leave the amusement park Monday after he jumped into the water of a theme ride and proceeded to urinate. When the incident occurred Disney World revelers ran towards security team members as parents shielded the eyes of...
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Study Finds Use of Gang Signs by Middle Class Whites on the Rise

Study Finds Use of Gang Signs by Middle Class Whites on the Rise

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY – A recent study by the Department of Sociology at Princeton found that up to 98% of middle class white adults flash or “throw” gang signs when they are being photographed. The three year study also reveals that 99.9% of those throwing the gang signs have never been in a gang,...
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School Principal’s Head Mysteriously Tattooed During Drunken Blackout

School Principal’s Head Mysteriously Tattooed During Drunken Blackout

The last thing I remember is standing in my socks on the soggy bank of a lake arguing with a disgruntled midget. – School Principal Bertrand Calhoun Luedecking Jr. FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – An elementary school principal is causing quite a stir in this southern California city after showing up to work last week...
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David Caruso Explains Sideways Stance: “I Always Face Mecca”

LOS ANGELES – Last week when David Caruso appeared on The Tyra Banks Show, Tyra asked him at the end of their short interview, “David, how come you keep facing away from me?” Caruso stood up, put on his sunglasses and said, “Because, Tyra….I always face Mecca.” Caruso then walked off stage and the...
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Alec Baldwin Shocks Dinner Guests, Calls New Baby ‘Dirty Little Whore’

NEW YORK – An intimate dinner party held at Alec Baldwin’s Manhattan home last night ended prematurely after Baldwin’s newborn baby daughter threw-up on his shirt. According to guests who attended the dinner, Baldwin’s alarming reaction towards his baby made them so uncomfortable they were forced to make a hasty departure before dinner was...
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Al Qaeda Magazine ‘Inspire’ Publishes First Swimsuit Issue

YEMEN – In an apparent attempt to escalate worldwide interest in the holy war against infidels, Inspire, al Qaeda’s Internet propaganda magazine, published its first swimsuit issue this week. In a teleconference call from an unknown location in Yemen, a spokesperson for the magazine, someone who called himself Larry, told reporters that Inspire’s swimsuit...
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Macy’s Fires Another Santa for Drinking on the Job

NEW YORK – Macy’s department store has fired yet another Santa Claus employee for being drunk at their Herald Square location in Manhattan, their fifth Santa termination since November 25th. A spokesperson for Macy’s said two other Santas have been suspended without pay for three days and another was issued a verbal warning, all...
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Hillary Clinton Performs Hilarious Stroke Victim Impersonation at U.N.

Hillary Clinton Performs Hilarious Stroke Victim Impersonation at U.N.

NEW YORK – In a rare display of lighthearted spontaneity at a United Nation’s Women’s Rights conference last week, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton followed her impassioned speech with a comical “stroke victim” impersonation that triggered a raucous response from delegates and conference guests. Howling laughter permeated the General Assembly Hall during Mrs....
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Biden Says Department of Homeland Security Crawling with Lesbians

WASHINGTON – With the demonstrations and subsequent military coup in Egypt drawing the bulk of the media’s attention this week, reports that a senior official at the Department of Homeland Security had resigned Saturday amid accusations of employment discrimination and sexual harassment were overlooked by the majority of news agencies. The official, Suzanne Barr,...
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Obama Chastises First Lady Over Unsightly Panty Lines

Obama Chastises First Lady Over Unsightly Panty Lines

WASHINGTON – In a rare display of harsh criticism, President Obama lambasted First Lady Michelle Obama as she and the presidential children were preparing to board Air Force One. When the President first arrived on the tarmac he was all smiles as he waved to press members and staff that had gathered to see...
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