CHICAGO – At a press conference today in Daley Plaza, Chicago Police Chief Garry McCarthy assured this terrified city that his officers and federal agents were diligently working to subdue the diabolical ducks that have been preying on citizens and tourists for the past several months. Chief McCarthy was quick to add that intelligence...
Read Story »
SCOTT DEPOT, WV – After dozens of complaints from residents of this small West Virginia town, Putnam County Sheriff’s deputies escorted former President Jimmy Carter out of Robert Byrd State Park yesterday and transported him back to his hotel in a police cruiser. Mr. Carter smiled and waved to onlookers from the squad car....
Read Story »
NEW YORK – In a move to build on its reputation for diversity and equality, MSNBC has placed civil rights activist and opportunist Al Sharpton at the helm of his own news show. MSNBC president Phil Griffin confirmed that Sharpton will be hosting MSNBC Live at 6:00 PM and that Sharpton is indeed illiterate. “We...
Read Story »
BEVERLY HILLS – Reality TV star Kim Kardashian is up to her surgically enhanced nostrils in legal proceedings these days. After suing music producers for using photos of her naked boobs on an album cover (the producers claim they didn’t know they belonged to Kardashian) she turned around and sued clothing retailer Old Navy...
Read Story »
ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – After innumerable years of killing innocent people, dwelling in caves, riding camels in the dead of night and eating more than his fair share of leftovers, sources close to Osama bin Laden say he was just weeks away from turning over a new leaf before U.S. Navy Seals blew his face...
Read Story »
SCRANTON, PA – Eighteen months ago Brent Woods was working twelve hour days in his new profession as an iron worker, scuttling up the sides of highrise buildings with his spud wrench. After spending the previous fifteen years as an unskilled laborer, Brent had embraced the iron worker trade with hopes of earning a...
Read Story »
LONDON – Just two days before his singing debut at the infamous Blue Note jazz club in Greenwich Village, Mitch Winehouse was told his daughter Amy had died from a drug overdose. After a heated discussion with his new managers, agents and publicists, Mitch begrudgingly cancelled his shows and returned to London for the...
Read Story »
NEW YORK – Countdown with Keith Olbermann, the brand new show on Al Gore’s fledgling television station Current TV scored a major coup with the first interview with Casey Anthony since she was acquitted of murdering her daughter. Anthony accepted the interview request after Olbermann and Gore promised her an all expense paid trip...
Read Story »
Yesterday on daytime television’s Maury, host Maury Povich informed his audience that his guest would be the former gardener for Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. When Maury said that the gardener would claim that former first lady of California, Maria Shriver, bore his child, the studio audience gasped and began squirming in their seats. Aware of...
Read Story »
The last thing I remember is standing in my socks on the soggy bank of a lake arguing with a disgruntled midget. – School Principal Bertrand Calhoun Luedecking Jr. FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA – An elementary school principal is causing quite a stir in this southern California city after showing up to work last week...
Read Story »
