Barbara Walters Lands First Interview with 3-Month-Old Colorado Shooting Victim

COLORADO – ABC News announced today that Barbara Walters has landed the first interview with the 3-month-old victim of last year’s tragic movie theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado. The baby was released from the hospital in good shape the day after the shootings with doctors saying the child’s injuries were not life threatening. The parents of the infant expressed relief to bring their baby home. They’ve since retained a lawyer and will meet next week with representatives from the William Morris talent agency.

The interview was a saving grace for Walters after Sean Hannity nabbed an exclusive interview with accused murderer George Zimmerman last year. Walters congratulated Hannity on “The View” after she revealed that her own interview with Zimmerman had fallen through. An ABC source said that after Walters snagged the interview with the infant last week, she sent flowers to Hannity with a note boasting about her conquest. Hannity has yet to comment or congratulate Walters.

Barbara Walters interviewed the 3-month-old in the company of its lawyer and parents. A child psychologist was present to interpret the infant’s responses to Walter’s questions. To ensure the privacy of the child, its name will not be released. Following is a transcript of the interview:

BARBARA WALTERS:  Hello little child. You have the distinction of being the youngest guest I’ve ever interviewed! First, let me express my heartfelt relief that you are all right.

The baby gurgled and kicked its feet

PSYCHOLOGIST:  The baby is showing appreciation for your concern.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Well, thank you. I know it must be difficult to think back on last year’s tragedy. I want to thank you in advance for your bravery. I hope you are comfortable.

The baby gurgles.

BARBARA WALTERS:  When you were sitting in the movie theater, could you have imagined that a lone, insane gunman would unleash such horror on so many people?

The baby gurgles.

PSYCHOLOGIST:  The baby did not have any premonitions before the tragedy took place.

BARBARA WALTERS:  I’ve interviewed more movie stars than anyone on the planet. One of my signature questions is to ask celebrities what kind of tree they are. So, how about you?

The baby gurgles.

PSYCHOLOGIST:  I don’t believe the baby understands.

BARBARA WALTERS:  If you were a tree, what kind of tree are you?

The baby kicks its legs

PSYCHOLOGIST:  A Lirodendroan tulipifera – or what is more commonly called a tulip or yellow poplar.

The baby gurgles

BARBARA WALTERS: Is there a personal meaning behind the choice of a poplar tree?

The baby’s legs and arms extend and retract.


BARBARA WALTERS:  The gunman who committed these horrific crimes, are you aware that he told police he was the Joker?

The baby flaps its arms and blows a saliva bubble.

PSYCHOLOGIST:  I think it’s saying “Oh, he’s a joker all right!”

BARBARA WALTERS:  There have been several actors who’ve portrayed the character of Batman. Who is your favorite?

The baby gurgles


BARBARA WALTERS:  Of the TV series? What about George Clooney?

The baby blows wind.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Has this experience made you cynical?

The baby gurgles and then spits up.

PSYCHOLOGIST:  I believe it is trying to say “It’s only been a few hours, give it time to sink in. I’m only ninety days old!”

BARBARA WALTERS: (with a disapproving look) Look, this is my first baby interview.

The baby belches and smiles.

BARBARA WALTERS:  You’ve already signed a multi-million dollar book deal, Martin Scorsese has signed on to direct a film based on your life and this Fall you’re going to have your own TV show on Oprah’s network.

The baby smiles and kicks its legs several times

BARBARA WALTERS:  Has success changed you? And if so, how?

The baby’s face scrunches up and it begins to cry.

BARBARA WALTERS:  (to the psychologist) What does that mean?

PSYCHOLOGIST:  I believe the baby moved its bowels.

BARBARA WALTERS: What do you think is the biggest misconception people have of you?

The baby cries as its mother changes its diaper.

BARBARA WALTERS: Is the baby going to be able to continue?

PSYCHOLOGIST:  It’s probably best to begin wrapping this up.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Do you think George Bush lied about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction?

The baby moves its arms and legs vigorously and cries louder.

PSYCHOLOGIST:  I think the interview is over.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Do you believe in God?

The mother carries the screaming baby out of the room.

BARBARA WALTERS: (yelling) Who do you think should replace Randy Jackson on American Idol?


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One Response to Barbara Walters Lands First Interview with 3-Month-Old Colorado Shooting Victim

  1. MM on July 21, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Which this was really a joke but it will happen soon enough.  The whole thing sounds like a flase flag to me. How can the brother of a girl that got shot act so chipper and have his tour bus ready? It’s really off and no one really knows anything except what the liar news says and we know they make up shit as they go along. 

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