WASHINGTON – While participating in an online forum on Facebook this week, Vice President Biden was asked whether law-abiding citizens would be left defenseless by federal bans on assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines. Mr. Biden looked into the camera and told the questioner that if she wanted to protect herself she should get a double-barrel shotgun and some shotgun shells. Later that afternoon, during his talk on home safety at the End of the Line Nursing Home in Bethesda, an elderly woman asked the vice president to explain why he felt she should replace her automatic weapons with a double barrel shotgun.
“You just don’t need an automatic weapon, my dear,” Biden answered. “Take my word for it, you don’t need an AR-15, a Safir T-17 or a Russian AK 101. They’re harder to aim, harder to use, and in fact you don’t need 30-round magazines to protect yourself, sweetheart. With a double barrel shotgun you just aim, pull the trigger and your intruder’s brains explode out the back of his head so violently it leaves a gaping hole the size of a garage. An automatic weapon just won’t give you that kind of result. So listen to me, buy a shotgun. Buy a shotgun!”
An 89 year-old great grandmother told the vice president that she was confused why her automatic weapon wouldn’t be just as useful as a shotgun in fending off an assailant.
“Honey, I’m tellin’ ya, it ain’t gonna tear a man’s head clean off his body the way a shotgun will. And with a shotgun you don’t even have to be a good shot. Just point it in the direction of your attacker’s face and pull the trigger. Even with an indirect hit, that powerful spray of buckshot’s gonna rip chunks of meat from your assailant’s head like a screaming chainsaw.”
An elderly woman in a wheelchair told Biden she didn’t like the idea of shooting an intruder in the head, that she’d prefer to shoot him in the arm and incapacitate him until the police arrived.
“Sweetheart, what are you going to do after you shoot the guy in the arm and he starts chasing you around the house?” Biden looked at the woman and winked. “You gonna outrun him in your chair? Because at that point you’ve really pissed him off. Do you know what some creep is going to do to you after you’ve put a bullet in his arm? Trust me, I’ve read some of those police reports and frankly, it’s too sickening to share with you. You’re only asking for trouble if you don’t blast that fella’s head off and I’m tellin’ ya, it’s just easier to blow someone’s brains out with a double barrel shotgun.”
“Look, it’s gonna be a little messy,” Biden sighed. “But you know what I always tell Jill? I look her in the eye and ask, whose brains do you want them scraping off the walls of our home? Yours, or the guy you prevented from stealing our toaster?” Mr. Biden looked at his audience. “It’s just that simple.”
The vice president closed his notes and smiled at the nursing home residents.
“Look folks, the fact of the matter is, America’s trauma scene cleanup crews are the best in the world, bar none. A couple of hours after they do their magic you’ll be eating meatloaf with your grand kids in the same kitchen that just hours before was dripping with some hooligan’s grey matter. Now, whatcha waitin’ for? Go buy a shotgun!”