WASHINGTON – While speaking to a group of seniors at a D.C. nursing home yesterday, Vice President Biden said that President Obama wouldn’t hesitate to “drop the A-bomb” to guarantee the end of nuclear proliferation throughout the world. One of the five seniors present began gasping and had to have her oxygen tank refilled. The others were concentrating on their bingo game and did not hear the Vice President’s statement. (A sixth senior had excused herself hours after Biden began his speech. Clutching her chest as she walked out, she collapsed in the arts and crafts room and died) Local news affiliate WHOA happened to pick up the Vice President’s comment and immediately sent the audio to CNN. By the time Biden had ended his two and a half hour speech the parking lot of the Dazed and Confused Nursing Home was swamped with news trucks.
“What are you talking about?” Biden barked when a reporter asked him if Obama was about to start a nuclear war.
“Why would you ask such an arcane question outside this lovely home?” The Vice President swept his hand across the expanse of the nursing home with a look of melancholy in his eyes.
“Sir, you told the seniors that Obama is willing to drop an atomic bomb. Who is he going to nuke?”
Biden furrowed his brow and sucked air between his clenched teeth.
“Do you work for FOX News?”
“No sir, I work for MSNBC!”
“Well, then you should know better!” He thought for a moment and then under his breath said, “I thought we had an agreement.”
The Vice President was then aggressively shoved into his limo which squealed its tires and sped away. Just moments later White House Press Secretary Jay Carney issued a statement:
“President Obama has absolutely no intentions of using any kind of nuclear weapons on anyone. President Obama hates nuclear weapons and he wants to destroy them, not explode them. At this time we do not know what Vice President Biden said at the Dazed and Confused Nursing Home. I just want to repeat, President Obama is not going to start a nuclear war. Not on anybody or anything or any country. Not even Iran.”
When he returned to the White House Biden was told that President Obama was waiting for him in the Oval Office. When he arrived, Obama told him to close the door behind him. A confidential source told the Daily Rash that shouts were heard from behind the closed doors along with breaking dishes and furniture being moved around. The source “swears” he heard the Vice President yelling “Uncle!”
In the hours since the incident several reports have been issued from the White House:
7:30 P.M. A statement is issued that Vice President Biden was just joking around with words:
“Wordplay, if you will. When he said A-bomb he meant acceptance. He meant the President was going to curb nuclear proliferation by bombing the world with acceptance.”
7:47 P.M. A statement is issued that Vice President Biden didn’t know the A in A-bomb stood for atomic.
8:01 P.M. A statement is issued that Vice President Biden just wanted to wake the seniors up since most of them were sleeping or playing bingo.
8:45 P.M. Jay Carney: “The President has grounded Vice President Biden for two weeks. He also is not allowed any television or snacks for that same two week period. This was a difficult decision for the President since the Vice President’s favorite show, Survivor: Redemption Island, just began its new season.”
During his appearance on the Tyra Banks show the President was asked by Tyra, “What happened with that other guy that works for you?”
Obama thought for a moment and then looked into the camera.
“Joe means well. He really does. It’s just that sometimes… Joe stumbles. And when Joe stumbles, he almost always ends up landing on me! But all joking aside. Joe has apologized but since he’s grounded he can’t tell you himself. I can tell everyone now, unequivocally, that Joe Biden is sorry. Not just that, but he really is going to do better next time. And that’s a promise.”