WASHINGTON – While speaking to seniors about shotgun ownership at the Eternal Cul-de-Sac retirement home in Bethesda this morning, Vice President Biden was interrupted several times with questions about President Obama releasing five Guantanamo detainees in exchange for American prisoner, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl. Each time the vice president brought the conversation back to the advantages of owning a shotgun, another person would ask about the prisoner exchange. When it became evident his shotgun sales pitch was landing on deaf ears the vice president addressed his audience’s questions.
“Look folks,” Biden sighed, “I know ya’ll have seen the news about the heroic efforts of President Obama bringing our American soldier back home, but today I’m eager to talk about the safety and security that comes with having a loaded double-barrel under your bed.”
“Why did our president let those terrorists go?” cried an elderly woman from the back of the room.
“President Obama didn’t just let those fellas go, my Dear, he exchanged them for an American soldier who’d been held captive by the Taliban for five years.”
“So we send them five more Talibans for a soldier who deserted?”
Biden smiled at the woman who’d asked the question. “In regards to Sgt. Bergdahl, I’m sure some of you remember the old saying, war is hell. Do you remember that phrase, Hon?”
“Well, if you know war is hell, why’d ya just give the enemy five more hell raisers?”
A man yelled from the back of the room, “I know how I’d react, I took a bullet in my leg in the Korean war!”
Biden stood up straight and pointed to the man.
“Sir, you are a patriot and I thank you for your service. I’m sure everyone here in the nursing home is grateful for your sacrifice and on behalf of the White House I want to …”
“This isn’t a nursing home, you idiot, it’s a retirement community,” the man shot back.
Biden adjusted his tie before leaning into the microphone.
“Look, I know some of you are uneasy with those folks being released from captivity. But I want you to know something that’s very important. Those five guys are more concerned right now about the devastating effects of climate change than they are about killing Americans.”
A woman stepped towards the podium. “What are you talking about, Mr. Vice President?”
“Sweetheart, the unspeakable horrors of climate change just don’t affect you and me. There’s a world out there beyond America. A world that is terrified Americans won’t spend the money necessary to curb the catastrophic consequences of man-made global warming. Terrorists might do some unpleasant things now and then, but heck, at the end of the day they’re people just like you and me. And I assure ya, global warming scares them as much as it does us.”
“What in God’s name are you talking about?” a man shouted.
“What I’m talking about is climate change, Sir!”
The room became quiet and Vice President Biden calmed himself before continuing.
“Folks, Secretary of State John Kerry says climate change is the world’s most fearsome weapon of mass destruction. And last week former Vice President Gore said global warming is going to make our heads explode. Sure, terrorists may kill and maim innocent people, but the devastation global warming is about to inflict on all of us, including freedom fighters, could make some of us long for the good old days of jihad.”
“Have you lost your f*cking mind?” A man barked before leaving the room.
“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a denier, folks,” Biden teased, winking at the seniors.
“Look,” the vice president continued, “you can run, but you can’t hide. If the floods don’t kill ya the droughts will. If famine and disease don’t cripple you, the impending civil and race wars sure will. Can you endure the agony of perpetual monster cyclones and searing heat waves? How ’bout intensified allergy symptoms and eroding national monuments? Folks, when this nursing home is underwater and you’ve got hungry polar bears swimming in through the windows, who’s to say you won’t hark back fondly to simpler times when your only worry was about a group of disgruntled troglodytes on the other side of the world.”
Murmurs engulfed the room before a small gray haired lady stood up and addressed the vice president.
“What can we do to protect ourselves, Mr. Vice President?”
“Hon, the one thing you can count on when the horrors of global warming begin is a shotgun. Because when the climate apocalypse erupts it’s going to be World War III out there. And nothing’s gonna keep you safer than your sturdy double-barrel and a couple of cases of buckshot. It’ll blow a hooligan’s brains clean out of his head.”
Vice President Biden smiled as seniors began shouting out questions about shotgun ownership.