Bob Woodward’s New Book Reveals Obama’s Secret Family

Obama family playing Simon Says

WASHINGTON – Bob Woodward’s last book, the highly successful “Obama’s Wars,” has become a big seller again since last week’s addition of a new chapter about President Obama’s “secret” family. This morning Amazon announced an unheralded spike in sales of the $39.99 hardcover.

“When people found out about Obama’s other family we had over 300,000 orders for the book in an hour. Our computers jammed and then our phone lines went down,” an Amazon spokesperson said. “Mobs of people stormed a Barnes and Noble earlier today in Greenfield, Indiana, resulting in the death of two elderly consumers. This is even crazier than the June 2010 release of Torri Spelling’s book, uncharted teriTORI.”

Midway through “Obama’s Wars” Woodward has added a short chapter titled Schemes like my Father’s. In it the author alleges President Obama has a “secret” family in Fort Wayne, Indiana. He alleges that Gayle Petunia Rutherford and Barry H. Obama were married on November 7, 1992, exactly one month after Obama married Michelle. Gayle and Barry have two children, twelve year old Lars Benedict and nine year old Shirley Temple Obama. The family lives in a nice house in a middle class neighborhood in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Woodward interviews Obama family

The book gives scant details of the family outside of a few photographs and a minor biography of the other Mrs. Obama. Woodward writes that interference from the Secret Service, along with the CIA and the New Black Panther Party made his investigation of Obama’s secret family nearly impossible. He maintains that whenever he visited Fort Wayne he was persistently followed by a small man who wore an eye patch and a large woman with a facial tic. A passage from the chapter hints at the dangers Woodward flirted with:

“I was entering a Rite Aid to purchase some Maalox when the revolving door stopped. I pushed against the door but to no avail. I looked behind me and saw that the small man with the eye patch and the large woman with the facial tic had squeezed into the revolving door behind me, hindering any movement. I began to panic. What did they want? Who were they? How long might I be trapped in this revolving door? Just then several Fort Wayne citizens arrived, forcing the two culprits to allow the revolving door to move. I entered the store but the small man and large woman turned with the door until they were outside again. Then they spoke into their watches and ran away.”

Great Grand-Pappy Rutherford

Gayle Petunia Rutherford Obama is chief administrator of Rutherford Family Funeral Services. The business has been in the family since 1942 when Gayle’s great-grandfather Lars Rutherford won it in a poker game. Family legend has it that Lars Rutherford had every intention of selling the funeral home until his first embalming experience.

“Great Grand-Pappy Rutherford always told people that embalming a dead stranger had a profound effect on him,” remembered Gayle’s brother, Newt. “He claims it stopped his hard drinking and womanizing ways overnight. After that first experience Grand Pappy spent twelve to eighteen hours a day down in the embalming room. When he wasn’t tinkering with embalming, he was out riding his motorcycle in the woods. Luckily he had several acres of land because Great Grand-Pappy liked to ride his motorbike naked.”

Artist rendition of eye patch man

Newt added that even though his great grandfather enjoyed riding his motorcycle naked, he was a fervent proponent of helmet laws.

“He never rode his motorbike without a helmet.”

Artist rendition of facial tic woman

Like his father before him, Barack Obama married Gayle Petunia Rutherford without informing her that he was already married to another woman. Woodward contends that Obama’s Fort Wayne family is not aware that their husband and father is the president of the United States.

“Gayle, Lars and Shirley don’t follow politics. They joke about Mr. Obama’s uncanny resemblance to the president, and the irony of having the exact same name doesn’t escape them. But further interest in the peculiarities wane at that point. Gayle is so busy running the family funeral home and helping Lars and Shirley with their homework, she barely has time left to spend with her husband the few days he’s home each month from his traveling salesman job.”

Woodward spends the remaining nine pages of the chapter regaling the reader with colorful accounts of his attempts to lose the eye-patch man and facial tic woman in alleyways, cemeteries and once in the storage room of an Arby’s fast food restaurant.

The White House has yet to comment on the secret family.

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2 Responses to Bob Woodward’s New Book Reveals Obama’s Secret Family

  1. Black Panther Door on June 27, 2011 at 6:39 am

    […] Bob Woodward's New Book Reveals Obama's Secret Family – The DAILY … Woodward writes that the Secret Service, along with the CIA and the New Black Panther Party made his investigation of Obama's secret family nearly impossible. He maintains that whenever he visited Fort Wayne he was persistently “I was entering a Rite Aid to purchase some Maalox when the revolving door stopped. I pushed against the door but to no avail. I looked behind me and the small man with the eye patch and the large woman with the facial tic had […]

  2. Super Mario 64 – Episode 10 | Mario 64ds on July 20, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    […] Bob Woodward's New Book Reveals Obama's Secret Family | The DAILY RASH […]