Boston Mayor Claims Fight Against Chick-fil-A Prevented Homosexual Holocaust

BOSTON – According to members of his staff, when Mayor Thomas Menino was told that the president of Chick-Fil-A restaurants did not support gay marriage, he knew the citizens of Boston would expect him to act. Although the rest of the nation is slowly beginning to accept the idea of gay marriage, Boston is one of the few cities to lawfully allow homosexuals to bond in the holiest of institutions – marriage.

“Mayor Menino was aware that his constituency would want him to strike a crippling blow against the abhorrent bigotry emanating from behind the closed doors of Chick-fil-A,” staffer Brittany Baxter said. “It was the moment he’d been waiting for his entire life and he did not hesitate, he did not flinch. For the moment was not about him, but about the citizens of Boston who look to him for guidance regarding right and wrong. Most of all, the moment was about the gay men and women, bisexual and transgendered folks that the mayor has fought alongside of in the war against the bigots, the haters and anyone who doesn’t think like them. This day was about freedom and Mayor Menino was prepared to rise to the occasion.”

Baxter said the Mayor met with his staff before speaking to the press. “When the meeting concluded, Mayor Menino stood in front of a mirror and straightened his tie. Then he took a deep breath, turned to us and said, “C’mon! Let’s go win one for the fairies!”

“You can’t have a business in the city of Boston that discriminates against a population!” Mayor Menino shouted from the halls of justice. He added that if Chick-fil-A attempted to get a license for their business in his city he would make it “very difficult.”

The unflinching mayor even penned a letter to Dan Cathy, president of Chick-fil-A, warning him personally against any plans to open a restaurant in Boston. The letter went “viral” on Facebook, being “liked” over 130,000 times and shared 46,000 times. News reports of the Massachusetts lawmaker’s single-minded crusade against hatred has created an avalanche of support around the country. The Jim Henson Company, whose Muppet characters were a part of Chick-fil-A’s childrens’ meals, announced it will no longer work with the restaurant. Comedienne/macadamia-nut farmer, Roseanne Barr, said people who eat food from Chick-fil-A deserve to die from cancer, and an Alderman in Chicago announced that like Mayor Menini, he too would prohibit the restaurant from doing business in his district.

People from all over the country are striving to cope with the torment of learning the president of Chick-fil-A believes marriage should be between a man and a woman:

“I had no idea the chicken sandwiches I ate were homophobic. Had I known I would have spit it out on the table. Now I feel so dirty. I feel unclean.” – Wayne “skooter” Thomas, New Orleans, LA

“I ate chicken from that place for ten years. My family used to take me there growing up. Now I’m infected with the grease of bigotry.” –  Jaxxyn Blayne, Los Angeles

“I’ve had lunch at Chick-fil-A every Tuesday for a year. After I learned of their hatred of the gays I took more of my anxiety pills than I should have and washed them down with vodka. I didn’t care if I woke up.” – Omarr Butler, Carborro, NC.

When it’s pointed out that there’s never been evidence that Chick-fil-A has ever discriminated against gay people, Mayor Menini is quick to remind people of Nazi Germany.

“When Hitler became chancellor of Germany, did anyone predict he would end up slaughtering six millions Jews? What if my bold intervention on behalf of America’s homosexual community shattered some fantasies the president of Chick-fil-A harbored of deep frying millions of homosexuals? I for one will not sit back and watch a holocaust take place in Boston! And I vow to destroy anyone who dares question the right of the gays to be institutionalized in marriage like the rest of us.

Update: In a statement just issued from his office, Mayor Menino said that he even though he doesn’t want Chick-fil-A restaurants in Boston, he doesn’t actually have the authority to stop it from happening.


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