Breathing Oprah’s Air at the Academy Awards

LOS ANGELES – On Sunday night Hollywood’s Kodak Theater swelled with movie stars, directors and producers. It bulged with writers and cinematographers, editors, sound designers and technical geniuses. And though everyone was elated to be present at the annual Hollywood ceremony, there was an even bigger reason that the hall resonated with irrepressible anticipation: the possibility of breathing the same air as Oprah.

After Oscar co-host Anne Hathaway gushed to the world that she, along with everyone else at the Kodak Theater, would be breathing the same air as Oprah, Oprah emerged from the wings, seeming to float angel-like into the spotlight amidst the strongest applause of the night. As she spoke, a reverence fell over the theater with many in attendance wiping tears from their eyes.

After Oprah left the stage she exited the theater leaving the audience gasping the air. Kodak Theater security confirms that a fight broke out between ninety-four year-old actor Kirk Douglas and a pregnant Natalie Portman after the actress accused Douglas of purposely hyperventilating to get more Oprah air. And seventy-three year-old Warren Beatty was temporarily detained after attempting to clamp his mouth over Oprah’s nose in a stunning attempt to suck air directly from her nostrils.

Outside the theater Oprah was met with scores of fans that screamed her name and asked for free appliances. Oprah pulled a fish out of her purse and miraculously fed her adoring fans with a bounty of fish, cornbread, tater tots and cherry jello.

“She pulled a fish out of her purse, a small gold fish or something, and the next thing you know she’s feeding the multitudes a lavish gourmet meal,” a weeping fan gushed afterwards.

Before arriving at the Oscars Oprah had stopped off at Charlie Sheen’s house in Beverly Hills where she found Charlie unconscious from a drug overdose.

“I’m alive today because of Oprah Winfrey,” a humbled Sheen told reporters. “My heart had stopped and my wig had fallen off my head. I mean, I was a gonner! But somehow Oprah brought me back to life and I’ll never forget that. I definitely owe her one.” Sheen then excused himself and went to his bathroom to snort cocaine and scream racial epithets.

The talk of the after-show parties was not of the winners or losers, the music or the laughter, but rather the presence of the daytime talk-show Queen known around the universe by one name: Oprah.

Today the White House announced that Oprah is traveling to Calcutta tomorrow to give microwave ovens to lepers. Later that day she will be handing out blenders and Tupperware in Somalia. After a relaxing in Dubai for a few days Oprah will return to Los Angeles where she’ll attempt to breath life back into several dead gang bangers in Compton. On Sunday she meets with Pope Benedict XVI to discuss giving Espresso machines to victims of sexual misconduct, and late next week on the Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah will perform an exorcism on former senator John Edwards and cast his demons into a brand new Whirlpool TU 4000 series Trash Masher Compactor.

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