HOLLYWOOD – With only days left until Halloween, when neighbors and friends treat each other to candies and scary costumes, a publicist told MSNBC and ABC reporters that Burt Reynolds is going to be auctioning off his original face on Ebay at six in the morning on Wednesday.
“Just in time for Halloween festivities,” Reynolds’ publicist Abraham Bartholomew told the reporters as he handed out candy corn and caramel squares.
“Mr. Reynolds wanted me to give everyone the candies that were his favorite when he was a child, and hopes that whoever does buy his original face will have a semblance of decorum when wearing it.”
Reporters rushed the podium when the publicist began throwing out the candy corn and caramel squares. Security guards had to intervene when two rather large and bulky men began wrestling over the last two caramel squares.
“Two guys started participating in fisticuffs when that weird guy threw out the last two caramel candies,” remarked Kyleei Russell, an employee of a nearby Trader Joe’s who was distributing pamphlets on the corner.
“It was very alpha male and I found it offensive… as a woman and a human being.”
The Trader Joe’s employee handed The Daily Rash several pamphlets about green living, global warming, President Obama and local organic farmers before she had an anxiety attack and collapsed. Several bystanders had to hold her down and force feed her organic green tea before her parents and her psychiatric team arrived to cart her away.
The Daily Rash was able to reach Burt Reynolds on his cell phone and ask him about selling his original face on Ebay. He was friendly and even poked fun at the latest rumors in the tabloids that he’d recently come close to drinking himself to death.
“You can’t believe what all those idiot magazines tell ya!” Reynolds scoffed over the cell phone. “Hell, if I listened to them, the next thing you know I’d be selling my #*@*$* face on Ebay for Christ’s sake!”
He howled with laughter and then became quiet. It sounded as if an ice filled glass shattered, followed by a shriek and muffled cursing. A moment later Mr. Reynolds was back on the line.
“Here’s what I’m telling ya’ll! I’ve been saving the skin they’ve carved off me since that first surgery. After years of having my face scaled back to keep me in my prime…” he paused momentarily…”you know, I had planned to give the final mask to Dom Deluise….but then the fat bastard died on me!”
At that point the phone went dead and it was some time before The Daily Rash was able to connect with Mr. Reynolds again.
“What happened? I’ve been talking to a dead phone for ten minutes? I hope this isn’t some kind of joke! You don’t want to mess around with me fellas. I’ve got lots more skin in the closet. Ya don’t wanna mess with…..”
The phone went dead again. After several attempts The Daily Rash was unable to re-connect with Burt Reynolds. A confidant of Mr. Reynolds, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Reynolds had initially planned to send his face to his ex-wife Loni Anderson. After all these years… he still harbored resentments. But the source said that Quinton (the son he and Anderson adopted) had talked him out of it.
Reporters asked why the auction was starting at six in the morning. The publicist seemed unsure.
“Mr. Reynolds usually collapses into bed by six or seven each evening. He probably rises early to make sure he can enjoy each and every hour of the day… thoroughly.” He found a couple more candy corns and threw them at the reporters.
“He plans to air a live feed on the Internet Wednesday. Mr. Reynolds will be at the auction sitting amongst photographs of all his old friends. He will be playing a CD of the song ‘When You’re Hot You’re Hot” by his old friend and side-kick Jerry Reed, and showing out-takes of the bloopers and blunders from all the Smokey and the Bandit movies.”
The Daily Rash has not been able to ascertain what Mr. Reynolds plans to do with the money his old face might earn for him.
