DENVER – The Denver Broncos announced today that they’ve signed Jesus Christ to a one year, $100 million contract to play an unspecified position on their football team. After Sunday’s win over the Chicago Bears, Broncos owner Pat Bowlen met with Mr. Christ over cocktails at a downtown Denver AppleBee’s where he persuaded the...
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NEW YORK – Macy’s department store has fired yet another Santa Claus employee for being drunk at their Herald Square location in Manhattan, their fifth Santa termination since November 25th. A spokesperson for Macy’s said that two other Santas have been suspended without pay for three days and another was issued a verbal warning,...
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NEW YORK – In an effort to cut down on the rapidly growing number of rapes occurring at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, organizers are encouraging sex workers to join the protests where they will be paid to help absorb the pent-up sexual frustrations of troubled revolutionaries who are unable to control their urges. Organizers...
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NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who lives on disability benefits, said...
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WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced today that President Barack Obama will step down as the President of the United States so that he can focus on winning the 2012 Democratic presidential nomination. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said the President plans to make an official announcement in a speech at Germany’s...
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AMUNDSEN-SCOTT, ANTARCTICA – In the tradition of some of the most ardent revolutionaries throughout history, 32 year-old Steinar Skramstad isn’t allowing inconvenient circumstances to hinder his steadfast determination to lead the charge for change in Antarctica. Protesting by himself in mind numbing -50 degree temperatures outside his parents’ home, Steinar Skramstad’s lonely revolt against...
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NEW YORK – In between fundraisers for his presidential campaign, Texas Congressman Ron Paul found the time to make an appearance at the Occupy Wall Street protests in lower Manhattan yesterday where he apparently handed out LSD tabs to protesters. A spokesperson for the Ron Paul for President committee denied the candidate was distributing...
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CARRBORO, NC – Two weeks ago Bernard Angelopoulos was sitting in his dad’s favorite recliner watching VH1′s ‘Celebrity Rehab’ hoping the show would distract him from thinking about his broken PlayStation. After weeks of determined diligence, Bernard was on the verge of winning the Masters Classic Tournament on SEGA’s Bass Fishing video game when...
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JACKSON, GEORGIA – As family, friends and death penalty protesters mourned the execution of convicted murderer Troy Davis, prison executioner Rob Sterling was on a plane back to his home in southern California, sipping a beer and reading Here’s the Story, a tell-all book by Maureen “Marcia Brady” McCormick. Prior to executing Troy Davis,...
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NEEDLES, CA – The speculation that a supervisor at a glass eye factory is contemplating transferring from the second shift to the first shift has filled many of the company’s other employees with trepidation. Shift Supervisor Willimet Kendrix confided to friends that she is indeed deliberating a transfer to the first shift. Willimet’s twenty-three...
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