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Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

NEW YORK – In an effort to cut down on the rapidly growing number of rapes occurring at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, organizers are encouraging sex workers to join the protests where they will be paid to help absorb the pent-up sexual frustrations of troubled revolutionaries who are unable to control their urges. Organizers...
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Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who lives on disability benefits, said...
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Two Women Say Herman Cain Beat Them Senseless with a Frozen Turkey

Two Women Say Herman Cain Beat Them Senseless with a Frozen Turkey

WASHINGTON – Yet another Herman Cain scandal has been unearthed by the Politico news organization. The website reports that two women, who ask to remain anonymous, have come forward and said that in the late nineties Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain, beat them senseless with a frozen turkey after they refused to accompany him...
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OBAMA RESIGNS!

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced today that President Barack Obama will step down as the President of the United States so that he can focus on winning the 2012 Democratic presidential nomination. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said the President plans to make an official announcement in a speech at Germany’s...
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‘Occupy Antarctica’ Protester Carries On Despite -50 Degree Temperatures

‘Occupy Antarctica’ Protester Carries On Despite -50 Degree Temperatures

AMUNDSEN-SCOTT, ANTARCTICA – In the tradition of some of the most ardent revolutionaries throughout history, 32 year-old Steinar Skramstad isn’t allowing inconvenient circumstances to hinder his steadfast determination to lead the charge for change in Antarctica. Protesting by himself in mind numbing -50 degree temperatures outside his parents’ home, Steinar Skramstad’s lonely revolt against...
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Middle-Aged Wall Street Protester Still Living With His Parents

Middle-Aged Wall Street Protester Still Living With His Parents

CARRBORO, NC – Two weeks ago Bernard Angelopoulos was sitting in his dad’s favorite recliner watching VH1’s ‘Celebrity Rehab’ hoping the show would distract him from thinking about his broken PlayStation. After weeks of determined diligence, Bernard was on the verge of winning the Masters Classic Tournament on SEGA’s Bass Fishing video game when...
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Obama Admits Killing Muslims More Fun Than He Expected

Obama Admits Killing Muslims More Fun Than He Expected

WASHINGTON – During his visit with with Chris Matthews on MSNBC’s Hardball, President Obama responded to the host’s hard hitting questions and in-depth scrutiny with surprising candor. Following is a transcript of Chris Matthew’s interview with President Obama. CHRIS MATTHEWS:  President Obama, such a pleasure to to be speaking with you today. PRESIDENT OBAMA: ...
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Prison Executioner Grateful for Job Security

Prison Executioner Grateful for Job Security

JACKSON, GEORGIA  – As family, friends and death penalty protesters mourned the execution of convicted murderer Troy Davis, prison executioner Rob Sterling was on a plane back to his home in southern California sipping a beer and reading Here’s the Story, a tell-all book by Maureen “Marcia Brady” McCormick. Prior to executing Troy Davis,...
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Charlie Sheen Debuts Kinder and Gentler Hairpiece at Emmy Awards

Charlie Sheen Debuts Kinder and Gentler Hairpiece at Emmy Awards

LOS ANGELES – A clean and sober Charlie Sheen took to the stage Sunday night at the 2011 Emmy Awards in Los Angeles to present the award for outstanding lead actor in a comedy series. In stark contrast to his recent warlock persona, Sheen’s demeanor was laden with humility and contrition. Before announcing the...
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A Second Shift Supervisor Contemplates Transfering to First Shift

A Second Shift Supervisor Contemplates Transfering to First Shift

NEEDLES, CA – The announcement that a supervisor at a southern California glass eye factory is contemplating transferring from the second shift to the first shift has filled many of the company’s employees with trepidation. Shift Supervisor Willimet Kendrix confided to friends that she is indeed deliberating a transfer to the first shift. Willimet’s...
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