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Jimmy Carter Banned from Neighborhood Park

Jimmy Carter Banned from Neighborhood Park

SCOTT DEPOT, WV – After dozens of complaints from residents of this small West Virginia town, Putnam County Sheriff’s deputies escorted former President Jimmy Carter out of Robert Byrd State Park yesterday and transported him back to his hotel in a police cruiser. Mr. Carter smiled and waved to onlookers from the squad car....
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Al Sharpton: America’s First Illiterate News Anchor

Al Sharpton: America’s First Illiterate News Anchor

NEW YORK – In a move to build on its reputation for diversity and equality, MSNBC placed civil rights activist and opportunist Al Sharpton at the helm of his own news show in 2011. In a surprising moment of candor last month, MSNBC president Phil Griffin confirmed that the African American host of PoliticsNation...
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Osama bin Laden’s Dream of Owning Dairy Queen Franchise Thwarted

Osama bin Laden’s Dream of Owning Dairy Queen Franchise Thwarted

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – After innumerable years of killing innocent people, dwelling in caves, riding camels in the dead of night and eating more than his fair share of leftovers, sources close to Osama bin Laden say he was just weeks away from turning over a new leaf before U.S. Navy Seals blew his face...
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Keith Olbermann Lands First Interview with Casey Anthony

Keith Olbermann Lands First Interview with Casey Anthony

NEW YORK – Before the cancellation of his show on Al Gore’s television network Current TV, Keith Olbermann scored a major coup when he landed the first, and thus far, only interview with Casey Anthony after she was acquitted of murdering her little girl. Anthony accepted the interview request after Olbermann and Gore promised...
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More and More Unemployed Men Resorting to Prostitution

More and More Unemployed Men Resorting to Prostitution

SCRANTON, PA – Eighteen months ago Brent Woods was working twelve hour days in his new profession as an iron worker scuttling up the sides of Pennsylvania highrise buildings with his spud wrench. After struggling the previous fifteen years as an unskilled laborer, Brent had embraced the iron worker trade with hopes of earning...
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Amy Winehouse’s Dad Begins His Singing Tour Day After Funeral

Amy Winehouse’s Dad Begins His Singing Tour Day After Funeral

LONDON – Just two days before his singing debut at the infamous Blue Note jazz club in Greenwich Village, Mitch Winehouse was told his daughter Amy had died from a drug overdose. After a heated discussion with his new managers, agents and publicists, Mitch begrudgingly cancelled his shows and returned to London for the...
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Maury Povich Guest Claims Maria Shriver Bore His Child

Maury Povich Guest Claims Maria Shriver Bore His Child

Yesterday on daytime television’s Maury, host Maury Povich informed his audience that his guest would be the former gardener for Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. When Maury said that the gardener would claim that former first lady of California, Maria Shriver, bore his child, the studio audience gasped and began squirming in their seats. Aware of...
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President Clinton Counsels Anthony Weiner

WASHINGTON – This morning an anonymous source gave the New York Times a recording of a telephone conversation in 2011 between former Congressman Anthony Weiner and former President Bill Clinton a few days after Weiner left office in disgrace. The source claims the recording was found in a dumpster behind a popular Hooters restaurant...
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Russell Crowe Champions Foreskin

Russell Crowe Champions Foreskin

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA – International movie star Russell Crowe has thrown down the gauntlet regarding what he refers to as the “barbaric and stupid” act of circumcision. Spreading his message via Twitter yesterday, the Academy Award winning actor lashed out against removing the foreskin from newborn babies and those who perform the procedure. He included...
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Anthony Wiener Blames Lewd Twitter Pics on Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece

Anthony Wiener Blames Lewd Twitter Pics on Charlie Sheen’s Hairpiece

NEW YORK – In a stunning turn of events earlier today, an enervated Anthony Wiener told reporters that he sent obscene photographs of himself to young women around the country because Charlie Sheen’s hairpiece told him to. During a statement overwrought with emotion and despair, Wiener claimed that Sheen’s hairpiece also told him to...
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