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Excess Fecal Weight Almost Destroyed My Marriage

Excess Fecal Weight Almost Destroyed My Marriage

NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA – Until recently, excessive fecal weight had rarely been considered a culprit in the breakdown of a marriage. The idea that they might be hauling around an exorbitant wealth of fecal excess didn’t concern most people. Most Americans were oblivious to the undermining effect a bounty of inner sludge might be having...
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Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors

Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors

GARDEN GROVE, CALIFORNIA – Ned Cockburn says he’s always been an obsessed NFL fanatic. A grown man who is crazy about the game, spending what he calls an “unhealthy” amount of time in front of the television watching NFL games, highlights, replays and analysis. Yesterday Ned shot sixteen of his neighbors because he was...
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Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies

Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies

BEVERLY HILLS – In an effort to raise money for future legal fees, Charlie Sheen’s production company Crash and Burn Productions, along with investors Bruce Jenner, Hulk Hogan and Brett Michaels, is sponsoring a nation wide contest in which some lucky girl can win an all expense paid weekend date with Charlie Sheen, former...
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Jay Cutler’s Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports Show

Jay Cutler’s Grandmother Calls Him a Pussy on Local Sports Show

CHICAGO – After a bruising loss to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Conference Championship, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters he was very disappointed that his teammates were not able to get him to the Super Bowl. Cutler left the game early in the third quarter due to a mysterious knee...
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‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ Debuts on NBC

‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ Debuts on NBC

HOLLYWOOD – In a vigorous effort to compete with Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars and American Idol, NBC announced the premier of their new celebrity competition series Parallel Parking With The Stars, which debuts in February. With a newly structured no-holds-barred, winner-take-all approach, NBC is confident ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’...
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Conan O’Brien Commercials Cause Sober Man to Drink

Conan O’Brien Commercials Cause Sober Man to Drink

PHOENIX – After two decades of sustained sobriety, Kurt Kammerdiener leapt off the proverbial wagon last week with a vengeance, landing with a resounding and tempestuous thud. Once a rising star in the upper echelons of the Arizona business and social communities, today Kurt is more like a tragic comet, plummeting to earth in...
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Hugh Hefner’s 26 Year-Old Wife: ‘I Love it When Hef Gums Me!’

Hugh Hefner’s 26 Year-Old Wife: ‘I Love it When Hef Gums Me!’

BEVERLY HILLS – On New Year’s Eve Playboy Enterprises CEO, eighty-six year-old Hugh Hefner, married twenty six year-old Crystal Harris at the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles. Playboy fans around the world celebrated the announcement along with residents of the San Diego neighborhood where Miss Harris grew up. Even in his eighties Mr. Hefner...
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Jesse Jackson “Forgot” About His Illegitimate Child Last Christmas

Jesse Jackson “Forgot” About His Illegitimate Child Last Christmas

CHICAGO – In what is becoming an annual event, Tyra Banks hosted The Tyra Banks Day After Christmas Special on E! television that was taped the day after Thanksgiving. Her all-star guest list included a phone sex professional, former Brady Bunch mom Florence Henderson, NBC weatherman Al Roker and the Reverend Jesse Jackson. It...
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Military Recruiting Centers Bulging with Eager Gay Enlistees

Military Recruiting Centers Bulging with Eager Gay Enlistees

San Francisco – Ever since he was a little boy, Toni Johanson dreamed of being a pilot in the United States Air Force. One summer during a family vacation in the Florida Keys, Toni had vivid fantasies of standing on the deck of a U.S. Naval ship dressed in well fitted white bell bottoms...
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After Giving Birth to Twins, Celine Dion Sells Afterbirth on Ebay

After Giving Birth to Twins, Celine Dion Sells Afterbirth on Ebay

LAS VEGAS – In a heartwarming goodwill gesture to millions of fans around the world, singer Celine Dion placed the placenta from the birth of her twin boys in 2010 for auction on Ebay. Dion and her husband said the money they receive for the much sought after uterus discharge will be used to...
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