News

Helen Thomas Confesses to Tyra Banks: ‘I Made Out With Hitler’

WASHINGTON, DC – In a shocking revelation during her 2010 appearance on 60 Minutes, former White House correspondent Helen Thomas told Tyra Banks that she once “made out” with Adolf Hitler. Tyra Banks, who’d recently been hired by 60 Minutes to handle foreign and domestic political coverage sat speechless after Thomas’ comment as the...
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7-Eleven Offers Prostate Exam with Slurpee and Chili Dog Purchase

DALLAS – Top executives at 7-Eleven announced today that the company plans to implement prostate examinations into its ever growing menu of services. Speaking to a large group of 7-Eleven employees, senior director of sales Gilbert Mann expressed his excitement about adding prostate exams in five million 7-Eleven stores by August. The response from...
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Obama Picks Personal Injury Lawyer for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced this morning that President Obama has changed his mind and decided against Elena Kagan as his choice to replace John Paul Stevens as Supreme Court Justice. Although it was announced yesterday that the president had chosen Kagan, administration insiders say that the president did a complete about-face...
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Family Refused to Allow Gulf Oil Spill Ruin Beach Vacation

GULF OF MEXICO – After a fun filled day of snorkeling and water skiing in the Gulf of Mexico, the Dunlap family was exhausted. Herb and Stella Dunlap almost canceled their beach vacation in 2010 after the large oil spill in the Gulf. After family and friends warned that it might be too dangerous...
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Arizona Police Waterboard Shakira

PHOENIX, ARIZONA – Phoenix Police Chief Jack Harris confirmed today that Phoenix police officers have detained international singing sensation, Shakira. Sheriff Deputies pulled over Shakira’s limousine en route to Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. Witnesses say that Shakira was shocked when the police politely asked her to remove herself from the limousine and produce documents...
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Naomi Campbell Beats Herself Unconscious at New York Airport

NEW YORK – Naomi Campbell was arrested at JFK International Airport Thursday night by Port Authority Police and transported to an undisclosed medical facility where she was handcuffed to her hospital bed. Miss Campbell is being charged with aggravated assault, verbal intimidation and disorderly conduct. Criminal defense attorney Nigel Nottingham reassured Miss Campbell’s fans...
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Oprah’s Childhood Cockroach Friends Found Alive in Mississippi

KOSCIUSKO, MISSISSIPPI – For many years Oprah Winfrey has told the story of being so lonely as a poor child growing up in the south that she made friends with two cockroaches and named them Melinda and Sandy. In a startling turn of events, Oprah Winfrey producers announced today that Melinda and Sandy were...
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Westboro Baptist Church Reverend Resigns as Ricky Martin Fan Club Director

TOPEKA, KANSAS – The pews of the Westboro Baptist Church sat empty last Easter Sunday. The doors to the church were locked, the bells remained still. The pulpit remained free from the spiritual teachings of Reverend Fred Phelps who would, on a normal Easter Sunday, be channeling the message of God to his flock...
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Maury Povich Irrigates Dennis Kucinich’s Colon

WASHINGTON, DC – Senior White House officials have confirmed that President Obama’s invitation to Ohio Congressman, Dennis Kucinich, to ride on Air Force One was indeed intended to sway Mr. Kucinich’s vote on national health care. Until last week, Dennis Kucinich was a No vote on the health care bill. A staunch far left...
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Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to Appear on Extreme Jihadist Make-Over

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA – As Nancy Lilt struggled to wash the matted hair of detainee Momar Khalic Osimian Gargoylamainia Husein, she spoke with The Daily Rash about her gripe with the Obama administration, particularly Attorney General Eric Holder. “We fly down here to Guantanamo Bay to fix these guys up, and they take their...
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