News

Slaughter in Libya, Nightmare in Japan, Obama Goes Golfing

Slaughter in Libya, Nightmare in Japan, Obama Goes Golfing

WASHINGTON – When told that the potential of a meltdown at Japanese nuclear plants is increasing at a distressing rate, President Obama shook his head in disappointment before grabbing his clubs and heading to the golf course. As he was leaving the President told reporters that nuclear leaks and tsunamis are “unfortunate” and he...
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Dog The Bounty Hunter Accidentally Chews Off His Own Arm

HONOLULU, HAWAII – When Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on The Tyra Banks Show yesterday, it was several minutes into the interview before Tyra noticed he only had one arm. Even then, she was unaware that Chapman had been in possession of both arms until just a few days before the taping. Duane “Dog” Chapman...
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Louis Farrakhan Claims His UFO Abductors Were Jewish

CHICAGO –  During a week of reprimanding “white Christians that pray for President Barack Obama to die,” Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan also said he’d been abducted by a spaceship. On Wednesday, after admonishing “white people that want to assassinate President Barack Obama,” Minister Farrakhan, accompanied by several intimidating black men in suits...
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Harlequin Romance Replaces Fabio with Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin photo shoot

TORONTO, CANADA – Last week Harlequin Enterprises shocked the world of Romance novels when it was reported that they were not renewing their long standing contract with Italian model Fabio. Conventions around the globe were in chaos as writers, book sellers and consumers alike feared the news might wreak havoc in the world they...
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Man Kills Facebook Friend Over Mundane, Day in the Life Comments

SEATTLE – Talbert Wilcox pleaded not guilty in a Seattle Municipal Court yesterday to charges that he killed his childhood friend, Marshall Dimmrod. Mr. Wilcox told the court that although he did kill Marshall Dimmrod, it was because Dimmrod drove him insane with “incessant, mundane, day-in-the-life Facebook comments.” Wilcox’s defense counsel told the court...
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Gary Coleman Claimed Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts Stalked Him

PAYSON, UTAH – Before he died, a lawyer for Gary Coleman filed stalking charges against Mick Jagger and Charlie Watts at the Payson County Courthouse in Payson, Utah. According to affidavits, Coleman was seeking a restraining order against Jagger and Watts. He also sought five million dollars for pain and suffering. His lawyer made...
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New Orleans Wins Super Bowl! Bourbon Street Awash in Blood and Vomit

NEW ORLEANS, LA – The New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts yesterday in Miami to become the Super Bowl Champions of the National Football League. When the game ended many patrons of French Quarter bars celebrated by gathering on Bourbon Street. While thousands of people danced and clapped their hands, others shot each...
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Groupies Cause Security Problems at Bill O’Reilly-Glenn Beck Show

LOS ANGELES – Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck looked at each other and smiled as screams drowned out their attempts to speak at Tuesday’s Bold Fresh tour de force in Tampa. Bras and panties sailed through the air, landing sporadically on stage as the two men attempted to calm the audience. A young woman...
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Scott Brown Tells John Edwards to Stop Calling His Daughter

SNOW CAMP, N.C. – Staffers for Senator-elect Scott Brown confirmed today that former Senator John Edwards has been attempting to contact Mr. Brown’s oldest daughter Ayla. Sources inside the Senator’s inner circle say that Senator Brown has been very patient with John Edwards even though Mr. Edwards calls up to seventy times a day....
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OBAMA: America Needs to Hope Harder! I Mean Like, A Lot Harder!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In his State of the Union speech last night, President Barack Obama scolded the American public for “not hoping hard enough.” Flanked by Vice President Joseph Biden and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, President Obama pulled no punches with his disgust with the American public, chastising one and all for...
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