News

Maybelline Announces Keith Richards is New Spokesmodel

PARIS – The Chief Executive of cosmetics giant L’Oreal, Jean-Paul Agon, announced today that Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones will be the new 2014 Maybelline Spokesmodel. As runway models received last minute make-up and garment adjustments backstage at the annual Fashion Cares charity event in Paris, Jean-Paul explained the “genius” behind using Mr....
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Family Abandons Dying Father for Free Trip to Disney World

CARBORO, NC – With the few minutes each day that he’s spared gut wrenching spasms of intolerable pain and emotional anguish, James Michael Patrick Miller looks at family photos and listens to old cell phone messages. Last week doctors had given Miller no more than ten days to live and concluded that his final...
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Meat Loaf Changes Name to Darryl, Opens Hardware Store

NITRO, WEST VIRGINIA – Former singer and actor Meat Loaf has changed his name to Darryl and opened a hardware store in the small town of Nitro, West Virginia. Nestled beside the Kanawha River, Nitro is just north of Charleston and has a population of around 7,000. Residents are very excited about the new...
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Burt Reynolds Auctions Original Face On Ebay

HOLLYWOOD – With only days left until Halloween, when neighbors and friends treat each other to candies and scary costumes, Burt Reynolds’ publicist met with reporters and said the star of Deliverance would be auctioning off his original face on Ebay the next day at six in the morning. “Just in time for Halloween...
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In a Moment of Clarity, Gore Vidal Says He is Insane

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Yesterday Gore Vidal snapped out of his psychotic stupor, looked around him and asked for a glass of water. His aide brought him a glass of water and Vidal drank it. He then gave the glass back to his aide and looked at his reflection in a mirror on the wall...
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Jimmy Carter Busted in Raid of After-Hours Rave Club

  NEW YORK, NY – Former President Jimmy Carter was arraigned this morning in New York City Superior Court. He was charged with public intoxication, lewd and lascivious conduct, possession of cocaine, marijuana and authorities found enough XTC tabs to warrant distribution charges. He was also charged with resisting arrest. In a predawn maneuver...
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Debra Winger Claims Polanski Framed By Thirteen Year Old Tramp

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND – Last week Debra Winger read a letter to the public condemning the world’s reaction to the arrest of Roman Polanski for raping a thirteen year-old girl over thirty years ago. In what has been described as a surreal statement, she condemned the arrest and railed against his accuser, calling her a...
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Yoko Ono Purchases Evander Holyfield

MATEHUALA, MEXICO – Yoko Ono, widow of Beatle John Lennon, has officially taken possession of boxing champion Evander Holyfield. As villagers and guests looked on, Ono’s bid for Holyfield was ceremonially accepted and then approved. As the crowd applauded, Ono signed papers that guarantee her ownership of the beleaguered and cash strapped ex-heavyweight champion...
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Gym Teacher Incinerated at Family Picnic

HOUMA, LA – Thirteen family members and several transients watched in disbelief Saturday afternoon when Lawrence (Larry) Munzac was burned alive at a family picnic in Oblivion City Park. Fire fighters said Mr. Munzac was literally cooked in front of frightened family and friends. Transient Bill Jones saw the spectacle standing outside the public...
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Moammar Khadafi Opens Day Care Center in Alabama

CRAWDAD, ALABAMA – In this small southern town of six hundred and thirteen inhabitants… there is a buzz on the streets. There are wide eyes and whispers in the line at the Piggly Wiggly. Dwayne’s Bait and Tackle saw people still lingering around the worm cooler well past eight last evening. Bobbie’s Bobby Pin,...
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