News

Sequester Cuts Force Obama to Kick Mother-in-Law Out of White House

WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that because of the automatic spending cuts known as sequestration, President Obama was forced to tell Michelle Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, she had to move out of the White House. Moments after his mother-in-law and her possessions disappeared through the gates of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave in...
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White House Announces Beyonce to Perform at State of the Union Address

WASHINGTON – The White House announced this morning that pop star Beyonce accepted an invitation to perform at the State of the Union address on Tuesday. According to a post on President Obama’s Facebook page, when the president reaches the speaker’s rostrum in the house chamber to deliver his speech, Beyonce will descend from the...
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Obama: I’ll Give Up My Shotgun When They Pry it From My Cold Dead Hands

MINNEAPOLIS – The White House was still responding to questions yesterday morning about the photo released last week of President Obama firing his shotgun. When asked by reporters why the White House would circulate the photograph three days prior to Obama’s trip to Minnesota to give a speech on gun violence, Press Secretary Jay...
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The Addition of Cheerleaders at Obama Inauguration Fails to Boost TV Ratings

WASHINGTON – For the first time in the history of American presidential inaugurations, cheerleaders performed at the ceremonial swearing-in ceremony of the 57th Presidential Inauguration. Following Obama’s inauguration speech, the throng of jubilant spectators surrounding the stage in front of the U.S. Capitol were elated when the voluptuous cheerleaders were introduced by Chief Justice...
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NFL to Force All Players to Dance After Every Play

NEW YORK – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that all NFL players will be required to dance after every play in the upcoming 2014 season. “We feel that since the majority of players for the past many years have celebrated by dancing or preening after scoring, running, tackling, blocking, being penalized or just...
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Al Gore Trapped in Blizzard En Route to Climate Fundraiser

CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snowbank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may...
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Chris Matthews Slams Undecided Voter on MSNBC

WASHINGTON – Chloe Sanders, a twenty year-old undecided voter from Baltimore, was visiting the D.C. area with her family when she was approached by MSNBC producers to appear on Hardball with Chris Matthews. Following is the transcript of her discussion with the host: CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Today I’m joined by undecided voter, Chloe Sanders. We’re...
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CIA Operatives Waterboard Producer of Anti-Islam Movie

WASHINGTON – A high level source inside the White House alleges that last weekend CIA operatives waterboarded Nakoula Basseley Nakoulathe, the film producer of the anti-Islam movie the Obama administration blames for the recent violence in the Middle East. The source claims that late Saturday night President Obama had a lengthy phone conversation with...
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For $25 Obama Campaign Lets Donors Pick the President Up and Hold Him

WASHINGTON – In an effort to raise additional campaign cash the Obama administration has come up with an unusual way for supporters to help the president’s reelection bid. Anyone who donates $25 or more can pick up President Obama and hold him. Campaign staffers admit the president was wary of the idea at first,...
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Chris Matthews Unveils Photograph of Republican Racial Code Book

NEW YORK – This afternoon on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews, host Chris Matthews revealed a photograph of what he claims is the book that contains Republican racial code words. The photograph shows an old and worn leather bound book that appears to have several hundred pages. Matthews said the photograph was sent to...
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