News

The Addition of Cheerleaders at Obama Inauguration Fails to Boost TV Ratings

WASHINGTON – For the first time in the history of American presidential inaugurations, cheerleaders performed at the ceremonial swearing-in ceremony of the 57th Presidential Inauguration. Following Obama’s inauguration speech, the throng of jubilant spectators surrounding the stage in front of the U.S. Capitol were elated when the voluptuous cheerleaders were introduced by Chief Justice...
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NFL to Force All Players to Dance After Every Play

NEW YORK – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that all NFL players will be required to dance after every play in the upcoming 2014 season. “We feel that since the majority of players for the past many years have celebrated by dancing or preening after scoring, running, tackling, blocking, being penalized or just...
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Al Gore Trapped in Blizzard En Route to Climate Fundraiser

CHICAGO – Former vice president and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive last night for thirty minutes after the limo slid into a twelve foot snowbank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may...
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Chris Matthews Slams Undecided Voter on MSNBC

WASHINGTON – Chloe Sanders, a twenty year-old undecided voter from Baltimore, was visiting the D.C. area with her family when she was approached by MSNBC producers to appear on Hardball with Chris Matthews. Following is the transcript of her discussion with the host: CHRIS MATTHEWS:  Today I’m joined by undecided voter, Chloe Sanders. We’re...
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CIA Operatives Waterboard Producer of Anti-Islam Movie

WASHINGTON – A high level source inside the White House alleges that last weekend CIA operatives waterboarded Nakoula Basseley Nakoulathe, the film producer of the anti-Islam movie the Obama administration blames for the recent violence in the Middle East. The source claims that late Saturday night President Obama had a lengthy phone conversation with...
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For $25 Obama Campaign Lets Donors Pick the President Up and Hold Him

WASHINGTON – In an effort to raise additional campaign cash the Obama administration has come up with an unusual way for supporters to help the president’s reelection bid. Anyone who donates $25 or more can pick up President Obama and hold him. Campaign staffers admit the president was wary of the idea at first,...
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Chris Matthews Unveils Photograph of Republican Racial Code Book

NEW YORK – This afternoon on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews, host Chris Matthews revealed a photograph of what he claims is the book that contains Republican racial code words. The photograph shows an old and worn leather bound book that appears to have several hundred pages. Matthews said the photograph was sent to...
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Todd Akin Pledges to Double Rapists’ Child Support Payments

ST. LOUIS – In an effort to gain support from Missouri voters who might be uneasy with his recent comments about rape and abortion, Congressman Todd Akin told a group of senior citizens at the One Way Ticket nursing home this afternoon that his first priority as a U. S. senator would be to...
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Nancy Pelosi Says She Probably Won’t Watch Romney Sex Tape

WASHINGTON – House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi came to the defense of Senator Harry Reid on Monday over his comments about the existence of a Mitt Romney sex tape. Early last week Reid outraged many Republicans with his remarks that he’d been told the GOP presidential candidate didn’t pay taxes for 10 years, without...
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Harry Reid: ‘Bain Investor Told Me There’s a Mitt Romney Sex Tape’

Harry Reid: ‘Bain Investor Told Me There’s a Mitt Romney Sex Tape’

WASHINGTON – In an interview with The Huffington Post, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said a Bain Capital investor told him that Mitt Romney wasn’t releasing his tax records because for ten years he didn’t pay a dime in taxes. This afternoon, less than 48 hours since the accusation, Senator Reid told The Daily...
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