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Barney Frank In Salary Negotiations For Elmer Fudd Role

NEW YORK – DreamWorks Studios announced today that they are in the final stages of salary negotiations with former Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank for their new Looney Tunes Bugs Bunny movie. Frank is slated to play Elmer Fudd in the two-hundred million dollar, three hour movie. The congressman expressed interest in the role when...
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Governor Rick Perry Patrols Border with Sniper Rifle

Governor Rick Perry Patrols Border with Sniper Rifle

TEXAS – In what some are calling a desperate attempt to garner support from the conservative base, Republican presidential candidate, Texas Governor Rick Perry, spent the weekend patrolling the Texas-Mexico border armed with a high powered rifle. At a town hall meeting on Friday, Perry told constituents that if they couldn’t depend on the...
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Demi Moore Dumps Ashton Kutcher for Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

Demi Moore Dumps Ashton Kutcher for Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

HOLLYWOOD – In a startling turn of events last night, actress Demi Moore announced she’d filed for divorce from husband Ashton Kutcher because she is involved with someone new. Rumors began circulating around Hollywood yesterday after Moore tweeted a short but revealing message to her fans: am seeing special guy 🙂 prepping for biracial...
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Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

Occupy Wall Street Using Prostitutes to Deter Rapists

NEW YORK – In an effort to cut down on the rapidly growing number of rapes occurring at Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, organizers are encouraging sex workers to join the protests where they will be paid to help absorb the pent-up sexual frustrations of troubled revolutionaries who are unable to control their urges. Organizers...
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Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

Disabled Shoe Salesman Claims He’s Herman Cain’s Illegitimate Son

NORTH CAROLINA – In a shocking turn of events for the Herman Cain campaign, a Carrboro, North Carolina man says that his gravely ill mother confessed to him on her death bed that Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain is his biological father. Delashaun Friedman, a former shoe salesman who lives on disability benefits, said...
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Two Women Say Herman Cain Beat Them Senseless with a Frozen Turkey

Two Women Say Herman Cain Beat Them Senseless with a Frozen Turkey

WASHINGTON – Yet another Herman Cain scandal has been unearthed by the Politico news organization. The website reports that two women, who ask to remain anonymous, have come forward and said that in the late nineties Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain, beat them senseless with a frozen turkey after they refused to accompany him...
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OBAMA RESIGNS!

WASHINGTON, DC – The White House announced today that President Barack Obama will step down as the President of the United States so that he can focus on winning the 2012 Democratic presidential nomination. White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, said the President plans to make an official announcement in a speech at Germany’s...
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‘Occupy Antarctica’ Protester Carries On Despite -50 Degree Temperatures

‘Occupy Antarctica’ Protester Carries On Despite -50 Degree Temperatures

AMUNDSEN-SCOTT, ANTARCTICA – In the tradition of some of the most ardent revolutionaries throughout history, 32 year-old Steinar Skramstad isn’t allowing inconvenient circumstances to hinder his steadfast determination to lead the charge for change in Antarctica. Protesting by himself in mind numbing -50 degree temperatures outside his parents’ home, Steinar Skramstad’s lonely revolt against...
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Middle-Aged Wall Street Protester Still Living With His Parents

Middle-Aged Wall Street Protester Still Living With His Parents

CARRBORO, NC – Two weeks ago Bernard Angelopoulos was sitting in his dad’s favorite recliner watching VH1’s ‘Celebrity Rehab’ hoping the show would distract him from thinking about his broken PlayStation. After weeks of determined diligence, Bernard was on the verge of winning the Masters Classic Tournament on SEGA’s Bass Fishing video game when...
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Obama Admits Killing Muslims More Fun Than He Expected

Obama Admits Killing Muslims More Fun Than He Expected

WASHINGTON – During his visit with with Chris Matthews on MSNBC’s Hardball, President Obama responded to the host’s hard hitting questions and in-depth scrutiny with surprising candor. Following is a transcript of Chris Matthew’s interview with President Obama. CHRIS MATTHEWS:  President Obama, such a pleasure to to be speaking with you today. PRESIDENT OBAMA: ...
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