LONDON – Buckingham Palace is buzzing today after news was leaked that Prince Charles and wife Camilla spent the night before Prince William’s wedding partying with American TV personality Charlie Sheen and several prostitutes. Reports claim that although Queen Elizabeth was in the Palace at the time, she thought the loud music, screaming and profanity-laced verbal assaults emanating outside her room was from a loud television.
“The Queen’s impression was that Charles and Camilla were watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre with surround sound again,” a Buckingham Palace spokesperson told The Daily Rash.
At this time no one seems to know why Charlie Sheen was in Buckingham Palace the night before Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton. Palace visitor logs show Sheen arrived with six prostitutes at 10:47 pm. According to palace housekeepers, the evening began routinely enough with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, but within a couple of hours things started rocking when Sheen produced a large bag of eight-balls, Nepal hash sticks and a vast assortment of pills.
“Early on Camilla was hitting the cocaine pretty hard and Charles was getting hammered from the hash, along with the pills and perpetual tequila shots,” recalled a palace cook. “By that time both of them were dancing with prostitutes and Charlie Sheen was standing on a counter with his shirt off ranting about his blood.”
One of Charlie Sheen’s prostitute friends spoke to the Daily Rash.
“After a couple of hours everybody was really wasted. At one point, and I haven’t a clue how he accomplished it, Prince Charles stood up, arched his back and did this upside down crab walk around the room yelling Winning! I’m winning! It was really, really creepy.”
Things became more bizarre as the hours passed. Prince Charles, who’d been dancing to Motown hits, had begun to break-dance to gangsta-rap music and Camilla had buried her face in a large pile of cocaine.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” cried a housekeeper. “Prince Charles was spinning on his head and Camilla’s face was covered in white powder. Then Charlie Sheen started having sex with one of the prostitutes on the couch.”
Apparently Charlie Sheen was having problems performing with the prostitute, so Prince Charles was feeding him Viagra while attempting to coach him through the act. The prostitute told the Daily Rash that Camilla was filming them as the Prince encouraged Charlie.
“The Prince kept telling Charlie “You can do it, Tiger! C’mon, win for me! Win, damn it!
“Charlie continued to have problems so the Prince gave him even more Viagra. When Charlie finally got going he tried to overcompensate and his wig flew off his head. For some reason that scared Camilla and she started screaming. Then the Prince got nervous because his mom was banging on the wall, yelling for us to quiet down. That pissed Charlie off and he was running around the room naked, searching for his hairpiece and screaming the N word.”
The prostitute said that’s when Camilla and Charlie Sheen began hitting each other.
“I mean like, mercilessly punching each other in the face. Prince Charles was in the corner smoking hash and the Queen kept pounding on the wall. It was a complete meltdown.”
When Prince Charles’ valet arrived to wake him the morning of the wedding, he found a disheveled room filled with ferociously inebriated people. Charlie Sheen was sitting naked in the kitchen sink mumbling racial epithets and Prince Charles and Camilla were digging in the carpet looking for cocaine rocks. It was only hours before the royal wedding.
“Prince Charles was so out of it that we ended up dragging him into the royal yard, stripping his remaining clothes off and spraying him with a garden hose. It took several minutes of power blasting him directly in the face before he began to regain a semblance of consciousness,” recalled the valet. “By then Camilla had crawled over to Charlie Sheen and was feebly trying to punch him in the face. When we tried to subdue her she fought us so we hit her in the head several times with a polo mallet. Just before we rendered her unconscious she stopped fighting and we dragged her into the yard and hosed her off.”
British tabloids are reporting that just hours before Prince William’s wedding Camilla had her stomach pumped. Then shortly before embarking on their carriage ride to Westminster Abbey, a physician injected both Camilla and Charles with vitamin B12. They were also given heavy doses of Valium to calm their nerves and Dramamine to help prevent vomiting during the long ceremony.
Buckingham Palace has declined to comment and Charlie Sheen said he has no recollection of anything in the past several years.